I just hate my emotions.
#Depression #ChronicFatigue #AutismSpectrumDisorder
I’ve been very upset lately, and sometimes I don’t think I have the right to be upset, because I get upset at the fact I’m smart, but I feel lonely with my mind. Even to the people that might pay some attention to my hyperfixations, I can’t talk to anyone about the greek alphabet, word morphology, other languages I’m learning, cultural shocks within books I read. I’m the person they’ll reach out when wanting to know a historic moment or nuance, but they won’t pay attention to all the history I have to share to make that moment contextual. I retain too much information in my brain, and it’s lonely.
We went to the beach the last two days, for a moment I wasn’t alone with my thoughts, with my loneliness, with my fatigue. I could hear the sea, feel the sand on my feet, the touch of the waves coming while I went into the sea. My mind was in peace, the nature, the inputs were enough to keep myself at ease, and I hate beaches mind you, I usually go for specific reasons and plan on being in the sea almost all the time. As soon as we packed and started heading home, I was again there, with my thoughts, with my knowledge, and nobody to share it to the extent I would feel excited sharing.
People want to have a high IQ, to have high abilities, I tell you that, that’s a curse most of the time, sometimes I wish I was ignorant, that global news wouldn’t affect my worries for example, that I wouldn’t see patterns in situations, I just wish I could relax sometimes, I just can’t, knowing too much is a pain, and if you want to share this pain, they say it’s patronising. I once told I’ve been bullied my entire life for being smart, I was invalidated, like it shouldn’t be such a problem to be bullied for a sharp mind.
