youtu.be/WL8zLV6vHO0 - defines gaslighting
It has taken me a longtime to understand how I was conditioned to continually doubt myself. To continually second guess my own reality. My thoughts and feelings were continually being ignored, minimized and dismissed.
I became aware of Elaine Aron’s HSP survival trait when I did a google search years ago for “what do you do when you are always being told “...you are too sensitive””
I was completely frustrated that every time I attempted to be vulnerable to try and share my inner most thoughts and feelings to my family of origin. This included every member, my mother, father older sister and 2 older brothers. The pattern was set from day one. If I cried I was annoying them with the noise I was making. As I got older and tried to communicate with words, I was consistently being told I’m not making sense. I began to internalize and believe whole heartedly that I did not know how to communicate.
What I learned and really resonate with being an HSP were the 4 key characteristics.
1. To be a deep processor of wanting to understand everything around me.
2. Being a deep empath, to be in tune to everyone’s emotions around me 24/7.
3. Being very alert to sensations of all 5 senses 24/7.
4. Getting completely overstimulated and overwhelmed because of the first 3.
So to be continually gaslighted throughout my childhood none of these traits were being nurtured. I was driven “crazy”. To cope I learned to fragment myself into many different parts. The main rule I learned was to never show my vulnerability to anyone. To do so was dangerous. This is where I started to even get gaslighted by the mental health system. Got the labels of #Depression #Anxiety #Dysthymia #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #BipolarDisorder . It has taken me over 15 years to understand I’m dealing with #CPTSD not #BipolarDisorder . My #CPTSD is from my early developmental emotional trauma of the years of being gaslighted. I’m still being gaslighted, this is my family of origins main toxic, dysfunctional emotional abuse. It’s chronic and even as I fully aware of when it happens each current interaction with my family and any friends or co-worker who exhibit any minimal to maximum forms of gaslighting leaves me emotionally drained. Like I just did several rounds in a boxing ring.
The gaslighting phrase that “ Stick and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me” is a huge lie. Words and the creative was narcissist use them hurt a lot. They use their twisting of words and reality to beat me up time and time again. After some interactions I do not walk away as my current 52 year old self, but varied versions of me as a child.
The small wounded versions that got fragmented and disconnected from my innate HSP version of my true self. I’m trying to reconnect these fragmented parts into a more seamless and whole true self, but it is a very overwhelming challenge. Some days I can’t function.
Can others relate?
Latest
