insecurity

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    I had just triggered myself while taking notes and I thought about writing some poetry because today my dear Woolf gave me some inspiration & strength

    I hear the echo
    of millions of voices not mine

    am I too much

    a slow giant whale is moving on our heads

    deep blue sorrow dripping from her sides

    she dips her head into the vast silence of the sea

    calm

    alone

    she has no hurry and, deep down, beside her heart, lies a smiling face/ eyes enclosed, a pounding heart

    the front exposed and covered with water

    I am, though, still hurting

    A voice inside me is posing me questions

    what’s left is fear - she says

    the dark blue sorrow sticks a hug around my heart and to the lungs

    / so petty

    she holds it in her hand / such familiar feeling

    why so resentful
    and the tone, look more aloof than before

    my mind has gently tip toed on a green blue garden

    welcome back, a woman sais

    here is where the details count

    am I too much / or are you too much to your own self

    so attentive, so silent, so slow / her eyes are with me
    and so we speak

    her hand in her pocket, she lets a little bird out
    and so the wind is within me
    and so I speak

    I fear

    my heart not ready
    has never been

    although he knows.

    a silent whale is too big

    me, instead - some sort of mute trustful being

    the never-ending smile within me
    a source of light

    there’s peace inside you
    / and I’m not the one to follow

    I fear

    you’re all so vast, so tremendously precious

    let the bird know the heights of his wings
    singing his life with his blithe tune
    I’m the pocket, I wonder the hands.

    if I’m too much, I fear

    not mine the hands
    / who has the courage
    to hold you, so secure to let you out
    I fear
    I hope I’m not holding you back
    / it’d be so hurtful
    my heart who knows who fears who waits and is so afraid, too much to compress; implode.
    a tiny bubble of dripping hurting painful sorrow

    -the claws in my chest-

    don’t want to hear

    #Writing #Poetry #insecurity #Fear #trigger

    Post

    was just considering a few thoughts of mine || I write a lot...

    I'll start with an example. I have a friend who, sometimes, tends to ghost me when we were planning to go out and reappears again when it's late to meet, because for our schedules we can't.

    There are people who tells me to just tell her that this behaviour isn't too nice, but I don't. She just comes back saying she's sorry, she did something else and ended up not being free to go out with me.

    The point is that, to me, it's okay.

    I don't see it as remissive, because we have known each other for a very long time and, even though we aren't the first person we go to when we're facing some hardships, we know that, for each other, we stay.

    I often tell her that I'm not going to change my mind about her just because she disappears. (Because I don't. I still love her the same).

    Also, true is I do have my flaws(?) too, as sometimes it can take me ages to reply to messages, when we don't see each other for long periods of time and are apart. She still considers me a friend and I do too with her because, after all that's happened - even if at some point I did wonder if it wasn't just out of convenience (now I feel it isn't) - we stayed.

    But a few days ago a thought occured. The circumstance was similar and a part of me was feeling like "oh, yeah, here it goes again. I have an opinion and wanted to go out, but I just say - no problem, it's okay, we can meet another time :) - being reassuring, because it truly is okay and I don't want the other person to feel guilty. These are not real hardships, just details and as long as we have time we surely can meet in another moment, though the feeling in me is battling from - it's okay - to - just make it be okay".

    And then I thought: "Hey. What are you even thinking about? Why you dare feeling this way? You have someone who may eventually go out with you and who you can go out with. There's someone - and someone you treasure and someone who cares for you. That's more that you've ever had and thought you could have had. Why are you even trying to feel dissatisfied? Just be humble, bro, and take what the opportunity you have been given brings you".

    It actually made my mind and heart agree - it's okay and I'm happy and satisfied with it and we can do it as you'd like to - but I'm not sure whether my whole approach is positive.

    "If you decide all is well" -

    It sounds remissive. And people who knows me know that I tend to be something that resemble submissiveness.

    "Oh, I don't really care, you can decide for both, to me anything is okay" along with a smile that I try to make clearly reassuring.

    But I act like this because I truly feel it. To me it's okay.

    I don't bother about the details; I can go along with almost everything and will say it, idealistically, if something doesn't fit me. I don't want to impose my choice when I don't really care about it. I do care about the fact that we're here, together, doing something, but if I choose what to do, what to talk about, what to listen to, what to eat, where to go, when and how to do it I feel bad. My mind is suddenly filled with insecurity, and an uncomfortable feeling, which eventually triggers a loop of "they're asking you to take a position, you don't want to, you're pushing them to take a position for both, you're bad because you're letting them choose for both and maybe they don't want to, maybe it weights on them, you're being submissive, you're being a burden, you should take position, I've become silent, I feel insecure and whatever I do and say is a reason to attack myself so it's better if I keep myself quiet, but this actually worsen the situation, so I should take position or at least act like always, take myself out of it and hide the insecurity I'm made of right now, a choice is just a choice, they can speak if they're not for it, I hope they'll do it and won't go along with my choice if they don't like it, just because they're making an effort for me. so I just make sure they're aware they do have to speak sincerely. Or else my inner self is going to rip off". And it makes me feel so guilty, extra, bothersome, burdensome that I do really wanna avoid it, also because often it triggers deeper crisis.

    So I'm trying to understand this feeling better (I already have my interpretations and they're quite evident) and trying to lessen the negative effect it has on me.

    But I do really care - and a lot - about other people not feeling guilty or as they're imposing themselves when I know they're not the type (I'm not speaking of 'anyone' - I should define better where the border lays, so here's another task) or simply when I know how feelings like these can weight. After all, aren't them just all mere choices about details, when what matters is where they feature, what they're part of, where they manifest themselves and, since to me almost anything is okay, why should I make a fuss out of other people's behaviours or choices, preferences (when they're not harmful) when they respect me and show they care for me and I feel respected and cared for.

    So to me anything is okay. But don't make me take the choice.

    So - I'm just thinking.

    (Thank you if you have read til here 😊)

    🌚

    #submissive #remissive #Burden #Choice #insecurity

    Post
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    Kindness is a sign of strength…

    I saw this today, and it just resonated with me. We have choices in how we behave, especially towards what we perceive as rudeness, or even anger in another person. We don’t have to fuel a fire..We can choose to be kind, calm, and self-disciplined. Even if we’re secretly losing our composure when faced with certain people in life. We can choose to fake it till we make it, if we have to deal with rude and uncouth people..Usually, it’s people who are trying to manipulate or get their own way, or those with a sense of self-entitlement, I see that as rudeness. I also see a general disregard, a discourtesy for another’s feelings, or for a persons space as rudeness. We don’t have to acquiesce to the rudeness of someone though.

    #Kindness #strength #Emotions #higherground #Selfesteem #RiseAbove

    #Depression #PTSD #insecurity #FamilyAndFriends

    7 comments
    Post

    Trying to understand #HighfunctioningDepression ..and my friend whom has it.

    Y'all, I want to understand High functioning Depression so that I can understand my friend better. I do wish she would try to understand my inability to function at the level she can. She doesn't get it at all and tends to seem judgemental towards me. However, my perception may be off, since she is very high-strung and boisterous in the way she communicates.

    In the meantime I have been depressed for more than 9 months. During that time, it's all I could do was just get out of bed. Almost everything came to a halt ...personal hygiene, cleaning my apartment, talking to family members, etc..all out the window. Now, my mood has lifted but I still struggle with daily tasks. I have no motivation. My friend tells me she just does it anyway. Sigh...I would love for it to be that way for me. I know her struggle is real..
    Just different from mine..but the low mood, not wanting to eat, tiredness, and anxiety are what we share. #Depression #Anxiety

    I try my best to understand how she.manages to get everything that needs doing done. It's hard. But I keep reminding myself, she is struggling too and that she's not any better than me.

    Can any of you share your insight, experiences etc? Thank you in advance.
    #Depression #Anxiety #insecurity #Friendship #Understanding

    11 comments
    Post

    One, little, thing..

    Hi guys - I’ve got something weighing down my heart this evening. Now this weight is nothing new, at all. It’s something that has burdened me since my teens and into adulthood. My rational mind knows better and always has, but. I am so unbelievably threatened when my partners engage with an attractive member of the opposite sex(I am hetero/monogamous). The only sense I can make of these obsessive and compulsive thoughts is my BPD and trauma, but even acknowledging that doesn’t ease the pain. I can remind myself that I as anybody finds other people attractive aside from my partner - this is natural. It’s not even that I don’t trust my partner, I do with all of my heart. I don’t know what it is. The thought of her liking a photo or commenting on socials(I don’t use any form of, which helps considerably) or tells me a story of her day in which she runs into somebody that was cute or which I perceive as flirtatious - sends my nervous system into a state of hell. I don’t get angry with her, or I try not to. I try to approach it with curiosity and openness, trying to understand how normal people remain at peace without devaluing themselves through these comparative threats which we create in our minds.

    Does anybody have an tips or tricks on how to self regulate, assure and give into radical acceptance? Thank you in advance, we survived Monday guys.

    With love and care,
    Lucas B.

    #Jealousy #insecurity #abandonment #BPD #Borderline #borderlinepersonality #TheMighty #Relationships #Anxiety

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    How do you trust! #Trust #insecurity

    Why is it so difficult to trust people? I feel so low that I feel like I can’t trust anyone because they all just want something from me. It’s easier to be alone. My mind feels so scattered that I feel like I can’t even trust myself. I wonder why my bf is here. Why does he put up with me? What’s his ulterior motive? Does he just need a place to stay? Why did I keep wanting to test his loyalty? I don’t know what to do. I feel absolutely crazy pretty much all the time.

    1 comment
    Post

    Mother of the Bride Anxiety #Anxiety #insecurity #BPD #Bipolar

    I haven’t been out of my house in a year. Covid. But really I’m a recluse in general. My perfect beautiful, godly daughter is getting married in June. Due to wealthy relatives this thing is in line with a royal wedding with300 people that I have never met. I am socially awkward and she knows I have mental health issues. (I was not the primary parent because of my illness and this is bringing up tons of guilt and shame all over again.)
    My mom is actively warning me to keep my shit together at all costs. They fully EXPECT me to fuck up. This does not feel good. She is also very into appearances and I have lost 40 lbs but have more to loose.
    To put a cherry on top, my ex husband is currently in fed. Prison for financial crimes. There is no way to know if he will be furloughed for it or not. The thought of him not being there breaks my heart for my daughter. He may be a crook but he is the best father I know. I can take no credit for how perfect she is.
    Also, I’m socially awkward and don’t know how to interact with 300 people I’ve never met. My first impressions with these people really count. And they will all want to speak to me at least in the receiving line.
    If my ex can’t come, how do I step up with my daughter?
    My mom means well and is backing me with all the right clothes and hair and makeup, but that’s all she cares about. She is flying in my “emotional support” best friend. Because she’s trying to stop a meltdown.
    In short, I have anxiety and body image problems anyway and this is driving me to tears. I’m so stressed my hair is falling out. Literally.
    What do I do to get comfortable being the MOB as a mom who wasn’t really there for her in her life (she has told me she has forgiven me for the past. I’m on better meds now so I am different. She says it’s up to me to forgive myself but I absolutely can’t)
    How can I hold my head high and interact with so many people that will make her proud of me?
    The social anxiety is killing me more than anything else.
    My daughter has said all she wants is for me to feel beautiful and confident. I haven’t felt confident EVER. What are some tips you could give me? Thank you for reading this.

    16 comments
    Post

    I'm feeling low

    I'm so scared to go outside. There's always a fear that I'll get judged by other people. I'm scared to be judged by others. I always want to be alone. I know there's also good out there but still I want to be alone. I always fear that people gonna make fun of me. I'm so insecure, uncomfortable about my own self. Now I don't like many people in my life. For not liking many people makes me feel like I'm not a good person. I make things complicated and messy.
    I'm feeling very low about myself. #Depression #Anxiety #insecurity

    7 comments
    Post

    Second Guessing

    I am wondering how common it is or any suggestions for a problem with self-doubt. I’ve always had an issue with self confidence. Along side it, I tend to over-think what I do (a lot of second guessing). Even though I know deep down it’s right. #SelfDoubt #insecurity #Selfconfidence

    4 comments