Time for the inner teenager to heal
My inner child has been getting the attention that she needs, and I’ll continue to do that. The issue at hand is my inner teenager, which was something that I wasn’t fully aware of until some months ago. Her needs are different from the child: the child wants an obscure teddy bear, but the teenager wants the sword to spearhead a rebellion and be the warrior instead of the princess. Both of which I can understand now because parts of me needs them as an adult as I’m finding my way. But as of recently, I can’t get passed this old crush that I had as a teenager on a guy who was a friend that I didn’t like to begin with. I realized that at the time I was looking for safety and something different that I was experiencing at home, and he exhibited that in my mind. The terrible part was that he was playing the field and was a “romantic” of some sort. He wrote poems, he had a lot of female friends, he often spoke of how much he wanted to get married ( while we were in high school). I, among some of my other friends at the time, had fallen into his tactics and it lead to a lot of pain and heartache. I have talked about this in therapy, I’ve grieved in some ways, and today I feel heavy and angry. He didn’t have any remorse about what he did at the time. And to make matters worse, I stayed connected to this guy because of the history we have along with the fear of losing him (my fear of being abandoned by him too). Today, we don’t speak and I am happy that we are no longer friends. He’s married now and I decided to block him on all platforms because I have no desire to talk to him. But as I’ve mentioned, I still feel this heaviness and anger about him and his disposition of treating the girls around him at the time. Has he changed? Who knows. I chalked it up to my need for male acknowledgment and a need to feel wanted in a way I never got from my father. Other than that, take away the words and the niceties, he wasn’t much worth looking at twice. It was more of an obsession than a first love. That I know for sure. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Grief #anger #innerwork #Friends #hurtfeelings