Truth

My friends like to point out the upside of my traveling over the holidays when I feel alien and like I have no where else to go because I’ve chosen to distance myself from my dysfunctional family.

“At least you saw some beautiful places…” - Yes, I went to a beach keenly aware that I was alone, it was Thanksgiving and I ate alone with food I picked up from the grocery store that I didn’t actually have to cook. It was fine—at best. But better than sitting with dysfunctional family—mine or anyone else’s.

“At least you got to travel and get away…” - I wasn’t a vacation. It was an escape, a hiding, an anxiety-ridden space of time where I needed to be anywhere else than home.

“At least blah blah blah” - Just stop. I do the best I can with the situation that I’m in. We live in a world that is structured by families. I will always feel outside of the norm. Do I have to pretend fine just to make you okay with my struggle?

This kind of response is why I need to run and hide. At least I can be myself and feel my feelings when I’m alone. I don’t want to be around people who want me to find the upside in having no family. Newsflash, it sucks. You feel like a spotlight is on your head wherever you go. You don’t want to go out. You don’t want to stay in. You don’t want to be with cheery other peoples families to remind yourself that that will never be your life.

And by you, I mean me. I speak for myself when I say stop trying to find the silver lining. Sometimes some things in life suck.

#Truth #Sorrynotsorry #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD
#alone #DysfunctionalFamily

I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.

I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.

I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.

I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.

#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control

I wanted to share something with all of you that my therapist said today.

I was asking how someone can love someone and how someone else couldn't love you back. I was abused by a family member and shared that I had loved this person and thought that he loved me. Then she said something that really stuck with me:

"Love is a manipulation tactic they use to make you more attached to them. They don't actually love you. They take something that you see as a good thing and weaponize it against you."

I can't stop thinking about it. It put a lot into perspective for me. I realized that I was crying over someone that wouldn't cry for me. It was a harsh truth that I needed to learn. Abusers can't and don't love even if they say they do. They just act like they do. They manipulate in order to get what they want. There are also tons of resources on love bombing and the abuse cycle and I suggest you do some reading. Education is a great tool and it might help you heal too. Like it has done for me. I hope that by sharing this, It can help someone. Best wishes friends:)

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #PTSD #Love #Relationships #Therapy #Healing #Truth

Children are like pancakes. The first one is always a bit weird. #Humor #Truth , no truer words at the moment..😆#sunday #Parents #Children Family is messy..

markmanson.net/parents From the article…”at some point, as we grow up, something terrifying happens. We realize that our parents are flawed. And we realize they have problems. Sometimes serious problems.-
…True adulthood is letting go of the notion that mom and dad somehow gave us all of our problems and admitting that, regardless of where they came from, our problems are our own, that we are responsible for ourselves, and while we can’t control our genetics or our life history, we can always control what we do based on them.” #Truth #Forgiveness #FamilyAndFriends #cancersucks (-because it changes people, and ruins relationships, as well as being painful for the people who have it.) #PTSD #Healing #Depression markmanson.net/parents