Still looking for the missing ingredient…#cptsdshouldbeinthedsm5 #itshardtigetrealhelp #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #Therapy #badtherapy #misunderstood #Truth
My friends like to point out the upside of my traveling over the holidays when I feel alien and like I have no where else to go because I’ve chosen to distance myself from my dysfunctional family.
“At least you saw some beautiful places…” - Yes, I went to a beach keenly aware that I was alone, it was Thanksgiving and I ate alone with food I picked up from the grocery store that I didn’t actually have to cook. It was fine—at best. But better than sitting with dysfunctional family—mine or anyone else’s.
“At least you got to travel and get away…” - I wasn’t a vacation. It was an escape, a hiding, an anxiety-ridden space of time where I needed to be anywhere else than home.
“At least blah blah blah” - Just stop. I do the best I can with the situation that I’m in. We live in a world that is structured by families. I will always feel outside of the norm. Do I have to pretend fine just to make you okay with my struggle?
This kind of response is why I need to run and hide. At least I can be myself and feel my feelings when I’m alone. I don’t want to be around people who want me to find the upside in having no family. Newsflash, it sucks. You feel like a spotlight is on your head wherever you go. You don’t want to go out. You don’t want to stay in. You don’t want to be with cheery other peoples families to remind yourself that that will never be your life.
And by you, I mean me. I speak for myself when I say stop trying to find the silver lining. Sometimes some things in life suck.
#Truth #Sorrynotsorry #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD
I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.
I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.
I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.
I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.
#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control
I wanted to share something with all of you that my therapist said today.
I was asking how someone can love someone and how someone else couldn't love you back. I was abused by a family member and shared that I had loved this person and thought that he loved me. Then she said something that really stuck with me:
"Love is a manipulation tactic they use to make you more attached to them. They don't actually love you. They take something that you see as a good thing and weaponize it against you."
I can't stop thinking about it. It put a lot into perspective for me. I realized that I was crying over someone that wouldn't cry for me. It was a harsh truth that I needed to learn. Abusers can't and don't love even if they say they do. They just act like they do. They manipulate in order to get what they want. There are also tons of resources on love bombing and the abuse cycle and I suggest you do some reading. Education is a great tool and it might help you heal too. Like it has done for me. I hope that by sharing this, It can help someone. Best wishes friends:)
#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #PTSD #Love #Relationships #Therapy #Healing #Truth
While at a dark point in my visit to the hospital I almost made the choice to hurt myself but I walked into a special person...was it by chance? I do not know till this day. But one thing is for sure, she talked me out of something I would’ve regretted.
So I channeled that experience into a poem that to this day makes me grateful for her presence.
To my hero. B a poem inspired by you.
Early one day I went on a trip and on my way I found a paperclip...
At first it was something innocent, a fidget toy..
But later on could my life destroy..
I do not know how to rid myself of this dark beast that clutches my heart..
Threatening to unearth pain, reminding me of things that tore my life apart..
I sat there wanting to cry..My mind filled with confusion and I don’t know why...
Should I choose to live or should I choose to die?
Because I no longer know how to live...
How to try..
Being someone great..
Someone powerful enough to change the course of fate?
Then I walked into you and knew...
That what I was thinking, was not what I should do..
Thank you for your help, the opportunity to see my worth...
The chance to have many more days on this wondrous earth..
By Camron Botha
#ChronicDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #IntrusiveThoughts #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Choice #Love #Gratitude #help #Friendship #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Hospital #Truth #Selfharm #dont #loveyourself
This for all the people like me
Flawed and overlooked
I speak for those just like me
Shy and reserved
Never getting what u deserve
This for all my people who can relate
Don’t this shit seem all so fake
We wake up everyday and do what it takes
Putting a smile on our face, for goodness sakes
It never seems to be enough
Shit always seem rough
But it’s never an opportunity to simply give up
I know someone can understand
If you do please raise ya hand
I speak to those who already gave up
You definitely had enough
Your going because you must
But truth be told you don’t give a fuck!
markmanson.net/parents From the article…”at some point, as we grow up, something terrifying happens. We realize that our parents are flawed. And we realize they have problems. Sometimes serious problems.-
…True adulthood is letting go of the notion that mom and dad somehow gave us all of our problems and admitting that, regardless of where they came from, our problems are our own, that we are responsible for ourselves, and while we can’t control our genetics or our life history, we can always control what we do based on them.” #Truth #Forgiveness #FamilyAndFriends #cancersucks (-because it changes people, and ruins relationships, as well as being painful for the people who have it.) #PTSD #Healing #Depression markmanson.net/parents