While at a dark point in my visit to the hospital I almost made the choice to hurt myself but I walked into a special person...was it by chance? I do not know till this day. But one thing is for sure, she talked me out of something I would’ve regretted.
So I channeled that experience into a poem that to this day makes me grateful for her presence.
To my hero. B a poem inspired by you.
Early one day I went on a trip and on my way I found a paperclip...
At first it was something innocent, a fidget toy..
But later on could my life destroy..
I do not know how to rid myself of this dark beast that clutches my heart..
Threatening to unearth pain, reminding me of things that tore my life apart..
I sat there wanting to cry..My mind filled with confusion and I don’t know why...
Should I choose to live or should I choose to die?
Because I no longer know how to live...
How to try..
Being someone great..
Someone powerful enough to change the course of fate?
Then I walked into you and knew...
That what I was thinking, was not what I should do..
Thank you for your help, the opportunity to see my worth...
The chance to have many more days on this wondrous earth..
By Camron Botha
#ChronicDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #IntrusiveThoughts #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Choice #Love #Gratitude #help #Friendship #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Hospital #Truth #Selfharm #dont #loveyourself
This for all the people like me
Flawed and overlooked
I speak for those just like me
Shy and reserved
Never getting what u deserve
This for all my people who can relate
Don’t this shit seem all so fake
We wake up everyday and do what it takes
Putting a smile on our face, for goodness sakes
It never seems to be enough
Shit always seem rough
But it’s never an opportunity to simply give up
I know someone can understand
If you do please raise ya hand
I speak to those who already gave up
You definitely had enough
Your going because you must
But truth be told you don’t give a fuck!
markmanson.net/parents From the article…”at some point, as we grow up, something terrifying happens. We realize that our parents are flawed. And we realize they have problems. Sometimes serious problems.-
…True adulthood is letting go of the notion that mom and dad somehow gave us all of our problems and admitting that, regardless of where they came from, our problems are our own, that we are responsible for ourselves, and while we can’t control our genetics or our life history, we can always control what we do based on them.” #Truth #Forgiveness #FamilyAndFriends #cancersucks (-because it changes people, and ruins relationships, as well as being painful for the people who have it.) #PTSD #Healing #Depression markmanson.net/parents
The mind is a really simple vessel, cells fire and synapses connect and blood flows, limbs move, eyes blink, you think. You’re squirrel brain is the amygdala and the cause of primitive anxiety. Fear. We all feel it once in a while like the feeling of not being alone in your own room. Like someone is watching.
The brain overactive and exhausted sees things, fights invisible ghosts.
My last episode, I tried to end world war 3. How did I do? An exhausting brain and an over worked mind can lapse from real world and dip into fantasy. That’s what my brain did. I didn’t believe people could die. And I didn’t want to ever again. I was on my front lawn next to a suicide awareness sign, screaming, and things became blurry. The police came, the ambulance came. I hugged a police officer. Screamed peace and love could end war. I could have been shot. He let me hug him. I stepped into an ambulance. I was restrained. My oh my, the squirrel brain can do some crazy things when your mind is overdone and wired for sound. The ambulance screamed with me trying to understand world peace, with me in the stretcher, trying to understand world peace. I spent much of the time in restraints, trying to understand world peace.
The world is a zip code of chaos. Wherever you go war and take out differ. Where I am the take out is pretty bland and war is 6000 miles away. But in Ukraine, or Nigeria, or Iraq or Egypt or Iran- take out exists and everyone must eat.
And here I am waving flags of peace. And I have been lucky to never see war. I am not weak for wishing for peace. I am not weak for never seeing war. I am lucky.
I am grateful. I am grateful that my squirrel brain doesn’t get me shot. And I don’t see war torn streets. I wave flags of peace but have never seen war in these streets. I am not a peace seeker. I have always kept peace, even in my chaos, my grass is green and the kids play in their yards. I am lucky and grateful.
War is a day dream. And war is sleeping where I live. And the police officer I hugged on my front yard who put handcuffs on my back? Could have been so much worse. Not even in a war, I mean what if I was black?
I am white. I live in a small town, next to the one I grew up in. It could have been so different. Not Ukraine, what if it was just my pigment of my skin? What if the police had no training in mental illness? What if? I sit here typing this out trying to make sense of all
of what I have recently witnessed.
What am I even complaining about? I say I stay perseverent. I am being foolish. When you talk about being black manic and white and manic, my episode sounds stupid. And also generalizing black and white without adding socioeconomic status, and all that. It’s too deep an issue to grasp or for me to truly say I understand. I am just looking back at what happened and I am still embarrassed.
Sorry, I made this political and racial, I just meant to stay lucid. There is nothing I can say about this. Our heartbeats all beat the same. Our brains all fire different. Our pigment and zip code really make one person free and the other a statistic.
I just wanted to end the war. An impossiblity. Maybe I just wanted to end the war in my head.
Sometimes there will be a theme that comes up for me throughout a period of time. Today's recurring theme has been Truth.
The day began with providing my partner with some peer support. They needed reminding of the Truth of how things are, and to be reminded of the Truth of who they are. We discussed radical acceptance and living authentically.
After lunch, I had a workshop on the Seven Sacred Teachings offered to us by indigenous peoples across the continent. Today's teaching was honesty, to others, to ourselves, in relation to reality, and in relation to our spiritual path and guides. Speaking and living and acting in Truth.
Before dinner, I chose to watch a nostalgic kid's movie about an important car race. One of the characters meditates on desert hill between races, seeking guidance from his ancestors. He receives a vision, an elder who speaks to him and warns him of a danger in his path. The man believes this danger to be a physical threat and continues with caution. After the next race, he goes to meditate and the elder comes to him again. When he asks the elder what the danger was, the elder replied, "The greatest danger of all is to see only what you want to see, and not what is true."
Does this theme of honesty and truth resonate for anyone else today?
And does this ever happen to you? Do you recieve thematic lessons from the universe, etc?
Paul, a servant of #Jesus #christ , called to be an apostle, separated unto the gospel of God, 2(Which he had promised afore by his prophets in the holy scriptures,) 3 Concerning his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, which was made of the seed of David according to the flesh;4 And declared to be the Son of God with power, according to the spirit of holiness, by the resurrection from the dead: 5 By whom we have received #Grace and #apostleship , for obedience to the #Faith among all nations for his name: 6
Among whom are ye also the called of Jesus Christ 7 To all that be in Rome, beloved of God, called to be saints: Grace to you and #peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
8 First, I #Thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, that your faith is spoken of throughout the whole world.
9 For God is my witness, whom I #serve with my spirit in the #gospel of his Son, that without ceasing I make mention of you always in my #prayers ;
10 Making request, if by any means now at length I might have a prosperous journey by the will of God to come unto you.
11 For I #long to see you, thatI may impart unto you some spiritual gift, to the end ye may be established;
12 That is, that I may be #comforted together with you by the mutual faith both of you and me.
13 Now I would not have you ignorant, brethren, that oftentimes I purposed to come to you, (but was let hitherto,) that I might have some fruit among you also, even as among other Gentiles.
14 I am a debtor both to the Greeks, and to the Barbarians; both to the wise, and to the unwise.
15 So, as much as is in me is, I am ready to preach the gospel to you that are at Rome also.
16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.
17 For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written the just shall live by faith.
18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the #Truth in unrighteousness;
19 Because that which may be known of God is manifest in them; for God hath shewed it unto them.
20 For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse:
21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were they thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,
23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.
24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: