****trigger trauma warning childhood abuse ****
As the start of winter break for my kid’s I FaceTime with my mother and quickly chat about activities. Seemingly mundane, talking about tapping the maple trees and snow shoeing. Possibly going snow tubing on our land, we have a great hill the kids and dog love! All seemed to be going great.
Then all of sudden something shifted in the conversation. My mom brought up my DID and said “ I just don’t understand it, just make it go away”.
Here I am thinking “ok I’ll use my magic wand and make my 6 alters disappear...poof”.
My answer to my uneducated mother in this department was ; “mom you can not make it go away, I have it for a reason. I suffered all those years when growing up and my body needed a way to cope and survive”
My poor mom was staring at me in the computer like she had no clue what I was talking about. I was staring at her confused. Then she finally said “ what are you talking about “
I was struck DUMB in that moment, pretty sure a meteor could of hit and I wouldn’t have been the wiser.
I look at her trying to formulate words and say didn’t you know what he ( my stepdad) did to me everyday for 9 years? She mentioned an incident or two that she broke up, and all I said was no mom that’s nothing.
Everyday he picked me up from school and as I walked down the cobblestone path and bridge to the car my feet grew heavy, I would get headaches and my entire body would shake.
Everyday I got in, everyday he was silent and everyday he turned into an alcove.
No one saw us and if they did they certainly didn’t help me. His eyes were as black as his soul I swear. He yanked me by my long blonde hair over him. He pulled my uniform plaid skirt up and ripped my underwear off, hit me until I cried. It must of taken awhile bc I was always bruised and had welts. Very few times was I mentally and physically there at the same time. After the first dozen or so my body naturally learnt to float away and someone else took over for me. I was so grateful.
This continued with throwing me down cement steps, and into walls often. Chasing me till he caught me and beat me till I was unconscious.
My alter who is 5 named Jess has saved me from all of this and so much more, mentally I would not have made it.
As I tell these things to my mom, several things happen... I REALIZED I ASSUMED she knew and did nothing and blamed her for years for nothing, she REALIZED she had married a monster and was happy she divorced him, she apologized more times than I can count for not seeing it, I REALIZED for the first time in 40 years I’m a SURVIVOR not a VICTIM anymore and he will not hold that power over me.