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Memorial Day

I want to go put flowers on my grandparents graves today. But I don't know if my abusive father would go there today too. I mostly think he never cared to do things like that. But the slightest possibility of ever seeing that monster again is intolerable. I used to think he can't hurt me now I am an adult. But the last time I saw him I was an adult and that didn't help anything. It isn't right that I can't even safely put flowers on the grave of my WW2 veteran grandfather and my grandmother, who used to take me to put flowers on his grave and it was a special time for us. #childabusesurvivors


The Hardest Part of Sexual Abuse

I was sexually abused by my ex-boyfriend for almost 2 years way back in 2017 to 2019. I was 16 to 17 back then, he was an adult. I didn't realize I was sexually abused and just thought I was being "too innocent" because first and foremost, he was my boyfriend, afterall. So, why would I not give my consent to someone whom I trust and whom I should have a sexual relationship with?

Whenever I made him stop, he would just go on. After every session, I would breakdown in front of him and beg him to not do it again, hoping he would change, but sometimes, he would just mock me and laugh at me. Until one time, I just felt numb while he was doing lascivious acts. I subconsciously abandoned my emotions, as if it was my defense-mechanism to cope and accept the things he had done. It felt like I was trapped in a cycle and couldn't do anything because I was attached to him. Nevertheless, I just thought there was something wrong with me and not with him.

Since then, my behavior and mental illnesses got worse. I was oftenly too aggressive without any reason, too irritable, drowned myself into alcohol abuse, blamed myself for everything, had severe anxiety attacks, and more. Everyone thought I was the "bad guy" and did too thought of myself that way.

It took me several times before I could officially break up with him because whenever I would break up with him, he would just yell at me and tell me that I have no valid reason to break up with him. Thankfully, I did finally cut off our ties last September 2019. However, I still suffer from the trauma that he had brought to me. I got nightmares , anxiety attacks, and had breakdowns after breakdowns after breakdowns and so on...until there was no tear left to cry.

You never realize that you are trapped in an abusive relationship because you unconditionally love that person even if it means sacrificing your own self, until one day, you just wake up from reality and have enough of it. It took me one advice from my friend to make me realize that I was in an abusive relationship.

Whoever is suffering from sexual abuse, I hope you'll soon outlive and I know you will.

#SexualAbuse #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #Survivor of rape and or molestation #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAssault #SexualViolence #SexualHarassment #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #ChildAbuse #childabusesurvivors



Maybe I don't remember his eyes, his hands o even his name but I can't ignore all that he left , all that flashbacks in the form of souvenirs that hunt me like that little breeze in the first days of autumn those that somehow find the way to my deepest my soul.

I remember his touch, his hard and manly hands going through my skin, tarnishing my body, my blood, like a little lamb in the mouth of a wolf making this disturbing feeling even more fearsome than just a memory.
How can I forget the fea...that day he changed me, he changed and he changed us just to be another abuse story, one of those that are abundant in this childhood, in this society. And now he's just the wolf to my dreams, my sleep, the love I can't feel, he's the wolf of me, the lamb.

#childabusesurvivors #PTSD #MeToo #Complex Post Traumatic Stress #Abuse #Survivor of rape and or molestation #Rape #RapeSurvivors #Nightmares #poetrytherapy



Denying children affection is abuse.
Denying children attention is abuse.
Shaming your child is abuse.
Embarising your child is abuse.
Disregarding your child’s feelings is abuse.
Ignoring their struggles is abuse.

There is no age restriction on abuse.
#childabusesurvivor #Anxiety #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor

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First day of therapy starts on Wednesday!!                                                                                                                                                          
#BipolarDepression #childabusesurvivors #Depression #Anxiety


How do you stop the nightmares?

Started getting nightmares about everything that happened to me and I'm exhausted and don't feel like engaging with the world atm. Any suggestions on how to get them to stop? Thanks #PTSD #childabusesurvivors #Anxiety #Nightmares #Sleep



For the past month and a half I've lived with my grandparents, and DCFS + the police have been investigating the situation. This entire time I've gotten no information about what might happen to me, and where I go next, or anything else. So I emailed my school social worker so I can get some information about my case, the social worker told my grandma about it and shut that down real quick. I found out that this entire time my grandma has kept everything from me, and won't tell me what is happening or anything. Because im not 18 "i don't need to know anything". Ridiculous. This is my case, this is the one thing that is actually about me. This case determines my future, my safety and my well being and you won't tell me whats going on? This entire time I've thought I just have had a shitty case worker who doesn't follow up when really she's been doing her work, while you can't even do yours? Now I still have no way to contact my case worker, I have no way to tell my caseworker I want to get out of kinship care. I'm stuck, and so frustrated. I wan't to scream, shout, scream every swear word, and cry. I just want to know something about my case, I want to know what'll happen to my adoptive parents, I want to know where i'll go next. Something, anything!!
#childabusesurvivors #SuicidalThoughts


Learning new things #CovertIncest

I recently was going through and old diary and found some things my parents said to me when I was 13. I suddenly had a flood of memories and realized that my father had been grooming me my entire life to, in a way, replace my mom. I am relieved that I know this as it helps me make sense of things, but I am also a bit confused now. My kinks and sexuality are partly the way they are because of how he chose to abuse me and my brother. How he chose to triangulate and manipulate me into developing in specific ways. I cannot decide how I feel about parts of me now. I am partly disgusted. Partly wanting to love myself anyway because the kinks on their own aren’t bad just as my interest in sex isn’t problematic for my
Life. I just do not like the imprint. I am almost certain he overtly abused me before 5th grade as I have no memory aside from school before then, but that’s for another day. I must make peace with this first. #Incest #ChildAbuse #childabusesurvivors


Abandonment and neglect issues rearing their head again

#CPTSD #PTSD #childabusesurvivors #AbuseSurvivors #PsychologicalAbuse #EmotionalAbuse Woke up to feelings of being neglected and abandoned again this morning. For no particular reason. Although I still haven't heard back from my psychologist about whether she plans to be more available, or follow through on helping me deal with this "Pandora's box" she opened just under two years ago. But then I wasn't really expecting one so soon. I'm hoping she's trying to figure out an answer so she can be more available, but I don't know. I imagine we'll talk about it when I see her next, but I also don't know when that will be, because, due to COVID issues, and presumably because she's seeing me pro bono now, her schedule is too uncertain to plan an entire month ahead, so we're at an "let me know when you need to talk, and I'll fit you in" plan.

Have had a few issues this evening as well. All fairly minor, but still present.

Of course, it probably doesn't help that mom was all wound up today because my oldest brother was rude to her again, so I got to be her sounding board and encouragement when we spent time together today, which was tiring. Fine, but tiring. I do find it interesting to watch her working on developing boundaries with him recently. She's struggling with it, but overall succeeding, I think.

I could do without the muscle cramps too, but, oh well, such is life. They will let up eventually. Ordinary painkillers are moderately effective, so that helps.


When you realize assuming gets you nowhere! #childabusesurvivors #dissociativedisorders #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trauma

****trigger trauma warning childhood abuse ****

As the start of winter break for my kid’s I FaceTime with my mother and quickly chat about activities. Seemingly mundane, talking about tapping the maple trees and snow shoeing. Possibly going snow tubing on our land, we have a great hill the kids and dog love! All seemed to be going great.

Then all of sudden something shifted in the conversation. My mom brought up my DID and said “ I just don’t understand it, just make it go away”.

Here I am thinking “ok I’ll use my magic wand and make my 6 alters disappear...poof”.

My answer to my uneducated mother in this department was ; “mom you can not make it go away, I have it for a reason. I suffered all those years when growing up and my body needed a way to cope and survive”

My poor mom was staring at me in the computer like she had no clue what I was talking about. I was staring at her confused. Then she finally said “ what are you talking about “

I was struck DUMB in that moment, pretty sure a meteor could of hit and I wouldn’t have been the wiser.

I look at her trying to formulate words and say didn’t you know what he ( my stepdad) did to me everyday for 9 years? She mentioned an incident or two that she broke up, and all I said was no mom that’s nothing.

Everyday he picked me up from school and as I walked down the cobblestone path and bridge to the car my feet grew heavy, I would get headaches and my entire body would shake.

Everyday I got in, everyday he was silent and everyday he turned into an alcove.

No one saw us and if they did they certainly didn’t help me. His eyes were as black as his soul I swear. He yanked me by my long blonde hair over him. He pulled my uniform plaid skirt up and ripped my underwear off, hit me until I cried. It must of taken awhile bc I was always bruised and had welts. Very few times was I mentally and physically there at the same time. After the first dozen or so my body naturally learnt to float away and someone else took over for me. I was so grateful.

This continued with throwing me down cement steps, and into walls often. Chasing me till he caught me and beat me till I was unconscious.

My alter who is 5 named Jess has saved me from all of this and so much more, mentally I would not have made it.

As I tell these things to my mom, several things happen... I REALIZED I ASSUMED she knew and did nothing and blamed her for years for nothing, she REALIZED she had married a monster and was happy she divorced him, she apologized more times than I can count for not seeing it, I REALIZED for the first time in 40 years I’m a SURVIVOR not a VICTIM anymore and he will not hold that power over me.
#survivor #notavictim