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Perfect Being

During my processing today I tapped into a thought that became a loving mantra in my head, much like hearing Robin Williams saying "It's not your fault"

I am a perfect being

There's nothing 'wrong' with me.
I'm a pure child of the universe (my version of Higher Power)
I didn't deserve the manipulations and trauma.
I didn't deserve the terror
My intentions have always been well meaning, they still are.

It's the Human part I'm struggling with

#EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #EmotionalNeglect #delayed development due to neglect and abuse

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Nobody Warns You…

Nobody warns you the fear and worry that motherhood brings. My child is delayed physically which means a lot of different things to a lot of different people and well I’m still figuring out what that means for me. I’m still processing, worrying, and trying to not think of the worst possible outcome, but it’s hard to not go there. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. Having someone ask me after telling me she is developing months behind, what goals do you have for your child? Ah to walk/develop on time, to thrive, to not struggle, to live a happy independent life. Or what do you hope for your child, are you kidding me? What kind of questions are these? And then when I respond with walking in the next 6 months, they look surprised and like that was a stupid answer. What did they expect me to say? Does this mean they don’t think that’s possible? What does being delayed this much really mean? The whys and the what’s, the not knowing. That’s one of the hardest parts Is not having the answers. Not knowing. Being clueless and hell I have a masters degree, little good that helps me with this. They don’t prepare you for the sadness that comes from not knowing, from worrying. They don’t prepare you for how you have to traumatize your child by physically holding them down on a table to get one blood test only to have it fail (aka they couldn’t find her vein but kept poking anyways) and have to go to another doctor to get another blood test done with an ultrasound (which is what they should’ve suggested in the first place). For then it to come back abnormal and make you wait 72 hours to find out why or what that means because they haven’t had time to look at it, well then why give me the notification of an abnormal test, is it just to make me sit here and worry? Ugh mothers worry enough as it is and then to have more thrown at you. Do medical processes for children even involve a parents perspective who’s been there before? The social worker in me is furious how not trauma informed medical care is especially for children. For gods sake when we had to go to the ER for a scary allergic reaction we got put in the isolation room for those at risk for harming themselves, no wonder my daughter associates negative emotions when seeing medical providers, we were in a cold room with nothing around while they poked her with needles, didn’t even try to make it silly or less scary, just poked her. Direct (don’t totally hate that with myself, but with a baby, come on). She literally cried every single time a person in scrubs came into the room. She’s only a baby, but she knows. Gosh it even triggered me. The social worker in me is pissed, the mom in me is scared, worried, and sad. #MomGuilt #delayed #Trauma #Anxiety #sad #Motherhood #MedicalTrauma

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What happened to us? # clinical depression#PTSD stemming from childhood#Abuse #delayed development due to neglect and abuse

I have just finished reading this wonderful book by Oprah Winfrey and Dr.Bruce D.Perry outlining what" happened to us" as opposed to the all to familiar"whats wrong with you"? In great detail, Oprah, a legend in her own right details growing up in an abusive family dynamic that still to this day lingers in the backroads of her memories and Dr. Bruce Perry, an MD.Ph.D. who pioneered child trauma and neglect for over 40 years got together together after 30 years of collaboration to discuss child abuse,trauma and neglect in the first 6 years of a child's life. The most important years of development. All that I can say is this book has answered SO many queries of mine and relieved me of so much guilt and toxic shame when I fully understand the brain and its inner workings. All this time I have been looking for an explanation to why I (we) feel like we do. Fuck psychiatry. Its like I have been with the best counselor money can buy and it only cost me $30.00.


I’ve had horrible brain fog the last few months. I have had several head injuries over the last 5 years. I’m really struggling with memory

#BrainFog #BrainInjury #Aphasia #Apraxia #SpeechImpediment #delayed development due to neglect and abuse #DelayedSpeech


Emotional Delay? #EmotionalIntensity #delayed #moodchange

Does anyone else experience delays in their emotional reaction to things?

I have a habit of feeling fine in the moment or suppressing what I think will be an emotional reaction to something. It hits me later like a ton of bricks, some times out of the blue because I'll honestly think I'm ok with whatever is going on.  I don't trust my gut reactions to things, I don't want to over react to everything so I've trained myself to wait until later.  Problem is the intensity is almost always 10x or more higher when it hits me.  I'm fine one moment then, snap, not so much the next second.


#525smallthings #delayed #goals #ultimategoal #africanamerican

Funny im in a program for people with developmental disabilities.this lady her job is working with African Americans with developmental disabilities like myself and there families tries to work with me about what i want and need and make it available for me to have what i want to prosper.ive already got 5 or 6 goals that could be the same as #525small things but i have an ultimate goal want to know guess youll have to wait to the way thats a big number hope theres no disqualifications.if we miss a day lol😊