Disappear

To get away. How do I escape? As a child I frequently had the urge to run away. I often felt misunderstood specifically by my parents, (usually my mom). It seemed like she was always having a different conversation or focusing on something different then what I was experiencing. It was as if she did not notice the pain I was enduring but at the time it really felt lonesome. The achy frustration of my pain not being understood or listened to was a terrible feeling that would creep up on me time and time again, it was haunting me. Yet, as many times as it happened it never seemed to get easier and I was always left feeling abondonded, sad, angry, hurt, and unloved. What do I do other than run away? It became a habitual reaction in both my mind and physical body. I grew up with 3 older brothers and I was cherished for being the first girl to be born in the family. My mom repeatedly told me that the day I was born was the happiest day of her life and that I was angel Mary. I could do no wrong. In my familys eyes I was a happy girl. When I would run away I somewhat knew what I wanted and it became clearer the older I got I was hoping someone would try to help me or at least begin to try to listen and understand my pain. However, I quickly was mocked for my behaviour which only caused more hurt. Both my siblings and parents would laugh at me and say things like "let me guess, you're gonna run away again?" and when I would the most painful thing about it all is I would be ignored. I lost out on a lot due to feeling this way. I remember really wanting freshly squeezed orange juice at the Florida border (we drove to Florida on a family trip, and my mom talked about this oj pretty much until we finally got there). I remember looking forward to it so much, but then next thing you know something upset me. I don't remember much other than being in the backseat with my younger sister who was sleeping and my 3 older brothers who were fighting each other and pestering me for every move I made. By the time we made it inside my emotions were boiling over the edge and I had no idea how to cope other than run away. My parents were not supporting me and I remember getting in trouble for trying to explain what had happened. I ran off. I watched them from the corner of this huge building in my eyes. I remember that corner. I didn't care who could see me hiding I definitely felt shame but the urge to get away was more powerful. I remember watching them laugh get the orange juice drink it and then next thing you know they were getting back in the van to leave. No one was wondering where I was no one was making sure I got to try this infamous orange juice I waited ever so patiently for. And to this day I wish I tried that orange juice. Running away in painful situations didn't stop at child hood for me, it crept up in adulthood and remained just as painful. I'm on my continuous healing journey. I'm learning how to be compassionate and validate my own pain and experiences.

To get away. How do I escape? As a child I frequently had the urge to run away. I often felt misunderstood specifically by my parents, (usually my mom). It seemed like she was always having a different conversation or focusing on something different then what I was experiencing. It was as if she did not notice the pain I was enduring but at the time it really felt lonesome. The achy frustration of my pain not being understood or listened to was a terrible feeling that would creep up on me time and time again, it was haunting me. Yet, as many times as it happened it never seemed to get easier and I was always left feeling abondonded, sad, angry, hurt, and unloved. What do I do other than run away? It became a habitual reaction in both my mind and physical body. I grew up with 3 older brothers and I was cherished for being the first girl to be born in the family. My mom repeatedly told me that the day I was born was the happiest day of her life and that I was angel Mary. I could do no wrong. In my familys eyes I was a happy girl. When I would run away I somewhat knew what I wanted and it became clearer the older I got I was hoping someone would try to help me or at least begin to try to listen and understand my pain. However, I quickly was mocked for my behaviour which only caused more hurt. Both my siblings and parents would laugh at me and say things like "let me guess, you're gonna run away again?" and when I would the most painful thing about it all is I would be ignored. I lost out on a lot due to feeling this way. I remember really wanting freshly squeezed orange juice at the Florida border (we drove to Florida on a family trip, and my mom talked about this oj pretty much until we finally got there). I remember looking forward to it so much, but then next thing you know something upset me. I don't remember much other than being in the backseat with my younger sister who was sleeping and my 3 older brothers who were fighting each other and pestering me for every move I made. By the time we made it inside my emotions were boiling over the edge and I had no idea how to cope other than run away. My parents were not supporting me and I remember getting in trouble for trying to explain what had happened. I ran off. I watched them from the corner of this huge building in my eyes. I remember that corner. I didn't care who could see me hiding I definitely felt shame but the urge to get away was more powerful. I remember watching them laugh get the orange juice drink it and then next thing you know they were getting back in the van to leave. No one was wondering where I was no one was making sure I got to try this infamous orange juice I waited ever so patiently for. And to this day I wish I tried that orange juice. Running away in painful situations didn't stop at child hood for me, it crept up in adulthood and remained just as painful. I'm on my continuous healing journey. I'm learning how to be compassionate and validate my own pain and experiences.

“Disappear”

- A discussion on the emotional and physical toll of living life with a sleep disorder; specifically idiopathic hypersomnia.
- TRIGGER WARNING: this describes an abusive relationship with Sleep, with hints of sexual abuse/trauma so please proceed cautiously.

My dreams began to die
As soon as they were forming
That’s what birthdays signify
When you ask me what I want
My mind is blank
There is nothing
I only think of Sleep

The abusive relationship I have with Sleep:
He’ll make me disappear when he chooses
And I’ll disappear when he chooses

Disappear
Alone in the dark and
Oh it is glorious in such a tortuous
Disorienting way

When my eyes are open
Every fiber of my being aches
To disappear with Sleep

I feel hollow
Until I return to bed
Return to my abuser
Sleep, why have you wronged me?

So I desperately want Sleep
And I desperately want the pills
Those pills that try to liberate me from him
But the pills are a fight
And I always lose
Sleep is my captor and I’ve been his captive
For so long

I’ve been abused for so long
I don’t want to stop disappearing
I can’t
I’ve been fed up with the abuse for so long
I don’t want to stay with Sleep
I can’t

Sleep keeps seducing me
Then forcing himself on me
I am bound to Sleep
My condition has bonded me
To my abuser, Sleep

My condition won’t end
There’s no cure
No treatment to cling to
No happy dreams to alleviate the pain
No memories, no interruption

Disappear with Sleep
I am gone. There is no me.
When I reappear, I am still not me
He has drugged me so I can only think of
Returning to him.

I see no end to this.
My hope to be freed
Is shackled in bed next to me.
Sleep stands over me
He says it is time.
While tears drip down my cheek
I close my eyes
I succumb to the abuse
I breathe in
I breath out

I disappear.

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