Disappear

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Tired.

Feel free to ignore, just need to get this out...

I'm tired. Exhausted. All the time. I'm tired of insomnia and restless nights. I'm tired of nightmares and flashbacks. Tired of racing thoughts swirling through my mind every second of every day. Tired of anxiety and panic attacks. Tired of depression and dissociating 90% of the time. I'm tired of being tired. I try to focus on the good in my life, but I feel like the bad far outweighs the good regardless of the balancing act I try to play. While I know I'm not where I used to be, I'm not where I want to be. Even when I have moments where I have the mental, physical and emotional capability to do what I need to do to get to where I want to be, it never lasts long and I take 1 step forward just to take 50 steps back. It's true what they say, we are our own worst enemy. I am my own worst enemy, this I know to be true. I feel like I am stuck in my head so often that it makes me feel like I'm stuck in life. There are too many moments where I wish I didn't exist. At the very least, I wish I could disappear and not have to exist, not have to answer to anyone or anything, and could just rewire my brain so I could function like a "normal" human being, whatever that is. I'm just tired. I'm tired and want to disappear for a while. #PersonalGrowth #Anxiety #Depression #tired #exhausted #Insomnia #PanicAttacks #Disappear

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Getting away #Escape #Disappear #live

To get away. How do I escape? As a child I frequently had the urge to run away. I often felt misunderstood specifically by my parents, (usually my mom). It seemed like she was always having a different conversation or focusing on something different then what I was experiencing. It was as if she did not notice the pain I was enduring but at the time it really felt lonesome. The achy frustration of my pain not being understood or listened to was a terrible feeling that would creep up on me time and time again, it was haunting me. Yet, as many times as it happened it never seemed to get easier and I was always left feeling abondonded, sad, angry, hurt, and unloved. What do I do other than run away? It became a habitual reaction in both my mind and physical body. I grew up with 3 older brothers and I was cherished for being the first girl to be born in the family. My mom repeatedly told me that the day I was born was the happiest day of her life and that I was angel Mary. I could do no wrong. In my familys eyes I was a happy girl. When I would run away I somewhat knew what I wanted and it became clearer the older I got I was hoping someone would try to help me or at least begin to try to listen and understand my pain. However, I quickly was mocked for my behaviour which only caused more hurt. Both my siblings and parents would laugh at me and say things like "let me guess, you're gonna run away again?" and when I would the most painful thing about it all is I would be ignored. I lost out on a lot due to feeling this way. I remember really wanting freshly squeezed orange juice at the Florida border (we drove to Florida on a family trip, and my mom talked about this oj pretty much until we finally got there). I remember looking forward to it so much, but then next thing you know something upset me. I don't remember much other than being in the backseat with my younger sister who was sleeping and my 3 older brothers who were fighting each other and pestering me for every move I made. By the time we made it inside my emotions were boiling over the edge and I had no idea how to cope other than run away. My parents were not supporting me and I remember getting in trouble for trying to explain what had happened. I ran off. I watched them from the corner of this huge building in my eyes. I remember that corner. I didn't care who could see me hiding I definitely felt shame but the urge to get away was more powerful. I remember watching them laugh get the orange juice drink it and then next thing you know they were getting back in the van to leave. No one was wondering where I was no one was making sure I got to try this infamous orange juice I waited ever so patiently for. And to this day I wish I tried that orange juice. Running away in painful situations didn't stop at child hood for me, it crept up in adulthood and remained just as painful. I'm on my continuous healing journey. I'm learning how to be compassionate and validate my own pain and experiences.

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See full photo

Getting away #Escape #Disappear #live

To get away. How do I escape? As a child I frequently had the urge to run away. I often felt misunderstood specifically by my parents, (usually my mom). It seemed like she was always having a different conversation or focusing on something different then what I was experiencing. It was as if she did not notice the pain I was enduring but at the time it really felt lonesome. The achy frustration of my pain not being understood or listened to was a terrible feeling that would creep up on me time and time again, it was haunting me. Yet, as many times as it happened it never seemed to get easier and I was always left feeling abondonded, sad, angry, hurt, and unloved. What do I do other than run away? It became a habitual reaction in both my mind and physical body. I grew up with 3 older brothers and I was cherished for being the first girl to be born in the family. My mom repeatedly told me that the day I was born was the happiest day of her life and that I was angel Mary. I could do no wrong. In my familys eyes I was a happy girl. When I would run away I somewhat knew what I wanted and it became clearer the older I got I was hoping someone would try to help me or at least begin to try to listen and understand my pain. However, I quickly was mocked for my behaviour which only caused more hurt. Both my siblings and parents would laugh at me and say things like "let me guess, you're gonna run away again?" and when I would the most painful thing about it all is I would be ignored. I lost out on a lot due to feeling this way. I remember really wanting freshly squeezed orange juice at the Florida border (we drove to Florida on a family trip, and my mom talked about this oj pretty much until we finally got there). I remember looking forward to it so much, but then next thing you know something upset me. I don't remember much other than being in the backseat with my younger sister who was sleeping and my 3 older brothers who were fighting each other and pestering me for every move I made. By the time we made it inside my emotions were boiling over the edge and I had no idea how to cope other than run away. My parents were not supporting me and I remember getting in trouble for trying to explain what had happened. I ran off. I watched them from the corner of this huge building in my eyes. I remember that corner. I didn't care who could see me hiding I definitely felt shame but the urge to get away was more powerful. I remember watching them laugh get the orange juice drink it and then next thing you know they were getting back in the van to leave. No one was wondering where I was no one was making sure I got to try this infamous orange juice I waited ever so patiently for. And to this day I wish I tried that orange juice. Running away in painful situations didn't stop at child hood for me, it crept up in adulthood and remained just as painful. I'm on my continuous healing journey. I'm learning how to be compassionate and validate my own pain and experiences.

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Honestly I fuck up everything I do or anyone I meet. I just want to disappear and not tell anyone where I've gone. Then maybe I could sort my problems out and start new.
#Disappear #depressed #giveup #dontcareanymore