I think about you way too much.
At this point your a nuisance in my head.
Not only do you cause damage,
But also inconvenience me.
Sometimes it’s the whole day.
Sometimes my mind doesn’t even give you thought.
I remind myself
This isn’t anything!
It shouldn’t be anything!
But yet, you exist!
You’ve pierced your talons in me
there is no time limit on the healing process
A process that repeatedly gets disrupted
Only to be punctured
by the same talons
who tore me in the first place.
I’ve learned to patch myself up
wait for your return
and fight off the vultures who pass by
The ones that want to see me loose.
See me break
See me cry.
Maybe they think I owe them
Maybe they feel entitled
Maybe they’re just bored
there is no stopping their vicious cycle
They will remain the same
Because that is their choice
That is what they thrive off of
That’s also how you will remain
Because you thrive off of it
Because you enjoy to disrupt the calm
Because you enjoy playing the game
You are okay with revisiting
You pretend everything is fine
You act like it’s not a big deal
Well, I allow it
And continue to pull myself forward
as if none of it ever happened
Yet my scars plead otherwise.
I wanna go sit on the beach
And get so so high
I wanna dance in the sand bare feet
Arms reaching the sky
I wanna get high on the beach
Observe the power of the sea
Inhale the fresh air deeply
Feel peace within me
I wanna go sit on the beach
And get so so high
Emerse my self in freedom
And let the world go by.
I read about princes and kingdoms and fame
Of happy endings, true love found in the rain;
My head became full like a dreamers mixtape
Singing songs about happiness, sunshine and grace.
A world built of meadows, dew drops in the shade
Lived within the realm of endless summer days;
Colored by rainbows amid pots of gold
Sheltered between stories yet to unfold.
A picture not basking in hatred or blood
But a dreamland secured, locked in safety and love;
A place in which fear was virtually an unknown
Where worry's left on the doorstep you called home.
This fairytale land is what kept me afloat
Through times of neglect and feeling so alone;
I'd invite to tea friends made inside of my head
To stave off the reality of impending dread.
Of which always came as the lightning did crack
I'd hide in my closet, scared of the attack;
Didn't matter if it was by words or a hand
Each felt like a beating that never would end.
To soothe all the pain, I'd then take off and flee
Into such a land which I called make-believe;
Without it had not a clue how to survive
The contempt and failure that bled straight from your eyes.
And unto this day, although decades have passed
It's still hard to shake what scarred me like cut glass;
Yet no more do I turn to friends in my head
I simply detach and feel nothing instead.
By: Debra Brent
#PTSD #SexualTrauma #Trauma #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #Depression #Anxiety #Childhoodtrauma #survivaltactics #Escape #DISOCIATION #Detachment #hurting #Grief #Healing #MentalHealth #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Poetry #Pain #fairytales #Fear #neglect #FearOfAbandonment #Survivor
So after a super tough month with my parents visiting with 3 weeks notice, (they were going to come earlier but I told them I needed more time as it was in the middle of school term work) which meant lots of cleaning and cooking beforehand. My husband and I drove to Mission Beach in Far North Queensland (one of the most beautiful places on Earth) last weekend and stayed for 2 nights. Every day we went for Beach walks and I was able to clean up the Beach (picking up rubbish as I walk) and collect shells and dead coral too. I love Beach combing! I was so wound up from their visit (It was great to see my mum, sadly she had advanced Alzheimers/Dementia. My dad is a difficult, controlling Narc so he was not so much fun) but after that little mini break I came back so relaxed and calm.
Really nature is our best friend, its great to get out when suffering anxiety or depression. But getting outdoors is the hard part.
I am lucky. My parents are housebound, and my mom has dementia. I have claustrophobia and PTSD but can get out and away from the "normal world". Working from home has been hard but i enjoy drives like I did Sunday. See new things. I think it hrlps me feel less trapped in my own mind. #Trapped
I feel so tired of being in this job. It is demanding, exhausting and seldom satisfying. I know I am still new to all this. One year and a few months is not enough for a steep learning curve. I know that I am qualified, my resume says so. Graduate and licensed with an engineering degree, went through college with flying colors through a scholarship. Somehow I wonder if I am still the same person who achieved all that five years ago. True, I can still perform the stringent calculations and explain the solutions well. But I don't really know how to work well under pressure, I don't think I can keep giving out high quality outputs when I have so many less important tasks at hand. I even suspect I have undiagnosed autism that is preventing me from making meaningful social interactions with my workmates and our customers. It only makes things worse by giving me constant anxiety.
I am tired of it all. I am tired of the constant disappointment when I miss deadlines or put out low quality results or fail to meet the expectations. I hate having to constantly put myself in shape just to get through a sungle workday. I hate having to constantly prove myself every day because I am in an output based contract. I hate feeling that I don't deserve every paycheck that I get. I resent people who think that my job is significantly better than theirs just because they don't know my struggles.
I wish I can keep this job. My family deoonds so much on my monthly paycheck and I don't know how we can survive if I do stop. I do havemy savings and I think it will be enough but I don't think my retired parents can bear the shame of having one more adult child unemployed. I think I have many options if I do end uo unemployed. Of course I can't expect every opportunity to open up because covid is still lurking everywhere. Everything is just so uncertain if I leave my job, which is why I wish I can stay. I know my colleagues and supervisors can be very supportive and patient with me
But they can only do so much if I cannot try and work harder to reach our targets.
I don't really want to be a burden to my team. I also don't want to be a burden to my family. I guess I can survive being a burden to myself. I know all of these negative thoughts may just be symptoms of underlying mental illness, I will have them checked someday when I have the courage. I just want it all to end, not my life, but all these constant struggles. I feel that if I ever choose to quit my job, a big burden will be taken off my shoulder, only to be replaced by the burden of unemployment. I feel that it might give me a fresh start in life, if I only choose to. I want to end this part of my life, but who will be there with me in the next part? Who will want to be with a man wuthout a plan? I just want to escape all of this, that is what my mind keeps telling me. I need to escape now.