Loneliness and alone.. not the same
I found the post of lonliness depression vs aloneness struck home with me today.. I am well aware of the difference; I can be comfortable alone, but I find myself when I really look into myself I'm lonely now and am filling that lonely feeling with whatever can plug a hole in the dam of my depressive bipolar until another hole or crack happens and I'm reaching for something else. I don't live alone but despite having a sibling older than me and I'm a 52yr old adult so not like I'm a youngster anymore trying to figure out why I feel so bad, or trying to make friends or relationships or connections last.. I'm lonely and tired of always being the person to try and keep friendships or connections going.. I think I find somebody to only realize when I'm no longer useful or able to fake being ok and "happiness is a choice.. just choose to be happy" everyone falls away again.. so I retreat further into myself, and the dark. I get that every day is a new day to claw my way up out, but I don't have the energy anymore. I've been told I'm at the basic end of medications and combinations to try, counseling is always journal, boundaries, tell people what you need. But how do you tell someone who is not there what you need, or worse when you don't even know yourself anymore what you need. Escapism into books, movies, social media only lasts so long, and friends only stick around for so long when they can't fix me or use me to fix the crisis in their world. I'm tired.. I'm isolated, and the small things that shouldn't bother me are now one more pebble that keeps tipping my thoughts to why do I keep fighting to be here. I wish there was a reset, but I can't find it and being around other people has gotten me to the point that I feel like an outsider looking in not really welcome anymore, or I begin to pick up little comments from them that they're looking for a way to extricate themselves from my bleak existence even if I'm faking being ok that day.. I have days where being alone is ok because I know I'm too sensitive, or I compartmentalize where and who I allow to show what part of me, what aspect of personality is acceptable for that person but I can't always control that either. Just another day..