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    Loneliness and alone.. not the same

    I found the post of lonliness depression vs aloneness struck home with me today.. I am well aware of the difference; I can be comfortable alone, but I find myself when I really look into myself I'm lonely now and am filling that lonely feeling with whatever can plug a hole in the dam of my depressive bipolar until another hole or crack happens and I'm reaching for something else. I don't live alone but despite having a sibling older than me and I'm a 52yr old adult so not like I'm a youngster anymore trying to figure out why I feel so bad, or trying to make friends or relationships or connections last.. I'm lonely and tired of always being the person to try and keep friendships or connections going.. I think I find somebody to only realize when I'm no longer useful or able to fake being ok and "happiness is a choice.. just choose to be happy" everyone falls away again.. so I retreat further into myself, and the dark. I get that every day is a new day to claw my way up out, but I don't have the energy anymore. I've been told I'm at the basic end of medications and combinations to try, counseling is always journal, boundaries, tell people what you need. But how do you tell someone who is not there what you need, or worse when you don't even know yourself anymore what you need. Escapism into books, movies, social media only lasts so long, and friends only stick around for so long when they can't fix me or use me to fix the crisis in their world. I'm tired.. I'm isolated, and the small things that shouldn't bother me are now one more pebble that keeps tipping my thoughts to why do I keep fighting to be here. I wish there was a reset, but I can't find it and being around other people has gotten me to the point that I feel like an outsider looking in not really welcome anymore, or I begin to pick up little comments from them that they're looking for a way to extricate themselves from my bleak existence even if I'm faking being ok that day.. I have days where being alone is ok because I know I'm too sensitive, or I compartmentalize where and who I allow to show what part of me, what aspect of personality is acceptable for that person but I can't always control that either. Just another day..

    #mental illness
    #Bipolar depression
    #Dissociative disorder


    Alter Integration #DID

    Can a person who has DID integrate their own parts by themselves or do they have to use a therapist.
    I ask because I have already integrated 20+ parts and I have few left that I know of. We have all talked together and been working together for awhile. So is it possible to integrate them without the help of a therapist? Any thoughts?? #Dissociative identity disorder


    #Dissociative Identity Disorder

    Just wondered what physical symptoms others experience before a switch? Also, just when I think I'm "fine," I wake up and realize I've lost time but don't know what happened. Any similarities?


    Dissociation #Dissociation #DID #Dissociative disorders

    Do you think dissociating is self punishment?


    I don’t know how to express what’s going on. My grandson has been with his noncustodial father for almost a month. The father won’t let him come home. It’s now in the hands of the DA and the child abduction unit. I have no idea how long it will take to get him back to his mom, my daughter. I’m having so much trouble coping with this situation. I just dissociate, hoping some other part of me can deal with it. #Dissociative disorders #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #DID #Anxiety


    My Dissociative Disorder and Me...

    I recently had been doing research on dissociation. Because I’ve started to worry. I always understood what happens when you dissociate but never was told there are different types and ways to treat them. I recently start EDMR therapy and realized how long I have been dissociating and trying to be more aware of when I start to do it.
    I also am wondering now how I’m going to truly not dissociate when I’ve done it so long I can no longer really tell when I’m dissociating and it honestly feels like 24/7. It’s 3:52am and I’ve been just on the web all night. I made a list of things to discuss with my team.
    I just want to live my life everyday and have memories again.
    #dissociativedisorders #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Dissociative


    #alters #Dissociative #Dissociation rdisorder #alters #

    I experienced that I not always can switching. So, I can switch in one days, and on the other day, I don't able to do it. Why? Have they got an ideas?

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    WTF?? 😂

    It's even difficult connecting with people on this app. I am aware this is part of my journey. The loneliness. It must serve a much greater purpose. This is truly me lucid in a dream, trying to talk with dream characters who want nothing to do with reality. 😆🖤
    #Dissociative #lonely #Loneliness #BPD #Depression #Nofriends #Support #Love #Anxiety #Life #Dream #Dreaming #OCD #Society #socialized

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    Embracing derealization.

    The world and what is perceived as "real life" is but a dream. A waking dream. And I feel lucid most of the time within in. So much so that I have not been able to connect with others. It's like trying to talk to dream characters. I don't talk about these beliefs about the world with others. I go on like a normal human being would but I've noticed there's some unseen aversion towards me. Whether these people are conscious of it or not. I am not unpleasant, I am polite and considerate. But certain people just seem so resistant to being around me. They don't really just get up and leave but soon as I start speaking, I notice the defensiveness over their own personal beliefs. And we might not even be talking about their beliefs but it some how gets brought up. I feel as though they're afraid of seeing something that's actually real. Something that will trigger them awake too. The world around me constantly reminds me I'm dreaming. Especially when I start identifying with my pain, it's like something will occur and I'll stop and come back to the fact I'm dreaming. I still struggle a lot. I often feel alone and I kind of understand why but it still sucks. Does anyone else feel this??? 🤍
    #Derealization #Dissociative #Anxiety #Fear #dreams #Dreaming #embracing #Life