distance

I’m at the point where the people I cared about now are on the other side with me. I want to distance myself from some of them, others I now severely dislike. I trust very few now and even though I feel this way now, it will all change instantly as if things went back to normal by tomorrow. And I’m forever in the middle. I want to let people in, but I find it hard to. I’d like to rely on someone, but after many experiences I’d rather strong arm my way then to do that. I’d like to have a relationship sometime in life, but I feel that not only have I been soured, but also it feels like keeping my distance from people is better then to subject myself to possibilities of meeting old ghosts with different faces. I can appreciate some darkness with the light, but I’m finding that I’m becoming more comfortable with the emptiness even when I’m no longer depressed. I’ll be seeing a psychologist soon. I feel I have to kill all of my feelings to survive, and that unfortunately, seems to be the kind of numbing that keeps me going sometimes. #MentalHealth #feelingaloneandlost #distance #Splitting #Emptiness #numb #CheckInWithMe

I tried very hard not to give into my negative thoughts because I didn’t want to make this another week of me crying my eyes out. But it happened anyway... Those few tears lead to me sobbing on the bathroom floor. After being away from home for the weekend, I feel like my life’s baggage seems to meet me at the door whenever I come back. I feel emotionally spent in more ways than one, I keep beating myself up for every little thing that goes sour. I feel like I have to have my guard up at all times to protect myself from everyone. It feels like for every time I meet new people, somewhere down the road they leave. Because of this I feel like I’m easy to abandon, that I don’t mean that much to anyone, and that I need to cut off all feelings so that I won’t be as open to let anyone in. That, and I feel that I need to leave them even if there is nothing really wrong. I have endured a number of losses: my uncle (who was like a father to me) passed away almost two years ago, my grandparents have pretty much isolated themselves after his passing (mostly due to my grandmother’s declining mental state), my younger brother left home at that time, added with ongoing family issues that to this day have continued to effect my life and how I deal with men. (My biological father was absent and I have an emotionally absent stepfather.)I often feel that I’m not worthy of love or any kind of attention, especially in very dark moments that I’ve felt in the last few hours. I wonder why I even try, or sometimes the only question that stands is just “why?” Sometimes I wonder why I’m still alive if my existence doesn’t seem that important. Which often leads me to ponder the idea of death for the thousandth time. But in the end, I always end up crying myself to sleep only to do it all over again. I don’t know how or when I’ll get out of this dark fog that feels so dense, and because of this dense darkness I feel like I’m going through all of it all alone. #Depression #MentalHealth #NegativeThoughts #Emotions #Loss #cryingonthefloor #distance

Because I am talking about my past to my #Counsellor , I have so many mixed feeling going through my mind, #sad,# angry, #frustrated, so very #tired , my #body aches. I have #distance myself from my usual social media friends, cannot face chatting to anyone. Is this normal as I don't know what's happening in me, I am enjoying being on my own but feel it is wrong.