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29th Blow Up

I haven’t been myself in a long time, and this morning I wasn’t feeling up t any kind of association with people, but I was going to force myself to do it anyway. Long story short, my mom and I got into it because I didn’t care to open up. I began to feel like she was coming down on me like before about my outlook on life, and kind of made it about her in the beginning. Whenever this happens, I panic because it always starts with me getting yelled at, but at that point, I unloaded everything. All of the anger, frustration, the tears, everything. We were calm by the end of it, but I’m still in a wreck about it. I went home and laid out on my bedroom floor, by this time my emotions are running really high. I can’t think of anything else, I couldn’t stop crying, I began to injure myself, then I started drawing on myself. The negative thoughts never stopped, but progressed. I could get all the commendation in the world, but will still feel lower than dirt. All that pops up is:” You idiot, stop crying.” “No ones going to love you.” “ Why can’t I die?” “You’re worthless.” “You’re not important.” I’m just in too much emotional pain at this point, I just feel like nothing I will ever do is enough... I’m not enough. #Depression #emotionalpain #Selfharm #panic #MentalHealth #Hurtinginside #cryingonthefloor #frustration #Grief #anger #Pain #NotOK #NegativeThinking #NegativeThoughts #negativeselftalk


Strong Negative Thoughts

I tried very hard not to give into my negative thoughts because I didn’t want to make this another week of me crying my eyes out. But it happened anyway... Those few tears lead to me sobbing on the bathroom floor. After being away from home for the weekend, I feel like my life’s baggage seems to meet me at the door whenever I come back. I feel emotionally spent in more ways than one, I keep beating myself up for every little thing that goes sour. I feel like I have to have my guard up at all times to protect myself from everyone. It feels like for every time I meet new people, somewhere down the road they leave. Because of this I feel like I’m easy to abandon, that I don’t mean that much to anyone, and that I need to cut off all feelings so that I won’t be as open to let anyone in. That, and I feel that I need to leave them even if there is nothing really wrong. I have endured a number of losses: my uncle (who was like a father to me) passed away almost two years ago, my grandparents have pretty much isolated themselves after his passing (mostly due to my grandmother’s declining mental state), my younger brother left home at that time, added with ongoing family issues that to this day have continued to effect my life and how I deal with men. (My biological father was absent and I have an emotionally absent stepfather.)I often feel that I’m not worthy of love or any kind of attention, especially in very dark moments that I’ve felt in the last few hours. I wonder why I even try, or sometimes the only question that stands is just “why?” Sometimes I wonder why I’m still alive if my existence doesn’t seem that important. Which often leads me to ponder the idea of death for the thousandth time. But in the end, I always end up crying myself to sleep only to do it all over again. I don’t know how or when I’ll get out of this dark fog that feels so dense, and because of this dense darkness I feel like I’m going through all of it all alone. #Depression #MentalHealth #NegativeThoughts #Emotions #Loss #cryingonthefloor #distance


How to deal with the embarrassment after an anxiety attack? #Anxiety #Depression #PanicAttacks #Embarrassed #cryingonthefloor

Yesterday at work I cried for about 5 hours of my shift. I tried to Jeep working, but it finally got so bad that I sat down on the floor and couldn’t hold it together at all. I’ve been so so depressed lately and my anxiety has been really bad as well. my doctor just adjusted my meds, but they haven’t had time to take effect yet. I was ugly crying and hyperventilating and scared and my mind was everywhere. I made myself so exhausted that I couldn’t stand and I just wanted to go to sleep. A few of my coworkers found me like that and now I am so embarrassed I don’t want to show my face at work again. They know I suffer with mental illnesses, but I don’t think they realized what all they entail. Now I feel like an idiot and like a child for crying on the floor and I’m supposed to be an adult who keeps it together especially since I’m in management. How am I supposed to run a store and lead and have respect from my team? I have to deal with customers as well, but how am I supposed to do that when I’m always so depressed and irritable and crying? Sometimes I just can’t put on a fake smile. Sometimes it’s just too hard for me. I feel like a failure that can’t function in the world. I feel like a lost cause.

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Set back

I had the biggest meltdown today over a simple payroll issue #cryingonthefloor . I am so tried of being ashamed of my flashback emotions. I feel trapped in a cage with a ticking time bomb, only the timer has no sequence. No matter how long it has been or how much forgiveness I spout. In a moment, I am right back there blaming myself and stripping down for impending doom #ptsdisamf #PTSD