TW: abuse and death
It was around the same time I will be displaced from my former bff’s home.
It was another friend who is a school psychologist. I don’t think my friends truly ever cared.
The place I was before this, it was an ex boyfriend’s friend’s. That was the safest I had then. Now I have my car.
At that house, the woman repeatedly would recount the trauma of her brother’s death to me. The way he looked, how it happened, every thought she had about it then and now.
I already experienced complex trauma where I had no one but my therapist. I was now holding space for this woman’s trauma while trying to be in her home and adjust to new rules.
My ex boyfriend became my current boyfriend because he lived there too. I was so scared.
There husband was so judgy. He wouldn’t look at me. He talked down to me. He didn’t respect anything I said. He minimized me. Yet i was basically giving them support and education for helping their disabled child.
His wife wanted pizza for her birthday. That’s all she wanted for her birthday. Pizza Hut. It broke my heart when he didn’t get it for her. She was so happy when my boyfriend came back with pizza for her.
I started being able to see what my life was actually going to look like with this guy. He couldn’t afford taking care of himself, I am legally disabled and don’t have enough money to survive on. We misrepresented his financial situation and that is dangerous for someone like me. He expected me to do everything for him- cook, clean, support, etc.
He would control me with his emotions. He would not let me turn the light on in the room we stayed the entire day because he “didn’t get enough sleep.” I consistently got/get 4 hours. He’d get like 7. And then would send the absolutely worst pictures of himself to his friends with his eyes half open and his mouth drooping saying “I’m so tired I look like this.”
There would be entire weekends where I could not eat because the second I would pick up something, he would say something intentionally triggering and he would watch me immediately put it down.
I dreaded weekends because he would control me the entire time. I couldn’t escape. No one cared enough to even let me talk.
I was terrified.
The woman was also disabled. She separated my future from hers. People believe they are protected from my current state. There are so many fewer protections than people understand.
He started getting road rage. I would sit quietly but he would get so mad where he would drive dangerously. Slowing down and speeding up. If you have been through abuse, you probably know the fear tactic.
When we broke up I knew I would be kicked out despite the woman promising I wouldn’t until I could find a safe place. This, of course, was a promise she wouldn’t keep.
That was the first time I tried to file the grievance against the agency that lost my housing voucher because they just didn’t do anything with my case nearly the entire time.
No I cannot get my housing voucher back. I was lucky to be able to acquire it over a year ago. They haven’t been available again since then.
When I left she made me feel disgusting by telling me to delete any pictures of her son from my phone (which I pretty much already had deleted all of them because I only took ones she asked me to send or to send to her).
I cannot remember everything that happened in that house. Sometimes, when I try to describe what I experienced, it just doesn’t even feel like it sounds “that bad.”
There isn’t safety in my immediate future.
#DomesticAbuseSurvivors #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Anxiety #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ChronicIllness #ChronicMigraines #ChronicVestibularMigraine #ADHD #Trauma