domestic abuse survivors

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    The warning signs I didn’t miss

    I recently left a relationship that felt unsafe despite the fact that it left me with less housing stability when I have almost none

    I keep writing these out. There are so many.
    Here are a few

    *His behavior entirely changed when he was angry- he was indignant and irrational. He angered easily. We was irritable and blamed his angry outbursts and irrationality on insomnia.

    *My days were entirely consumed by attending to his needs- his laundry and helping him sleep and talking to him about his needs. He required all of my attention.
    He self sabotaged by drinking excessive and unhealthy amounts of caffeine (for instance double shot espresso and a bang [energy drink] in just a few hours)
    My health rapidly and severely declined- I was only able to eat about 500 calories a day and could only sleep about four hours. I was catatonic most of the time. I dissociated a lot more, I felt paranoid, I could not make sense of anything, my executive functioning significantly declined. I had no working memory. I felt lost all the time. I felt extremely hopeless
    I started hitting myself and left bruises on my legs- I couldn’t control my body

    *When I tried to talk to him about something that upset me, he made it about how I said it

    *I stopped being able to process anything in therapy- the one place I do feel safe

    *I felt like he was doing things specifically to get a response or reaction from me
    *He “didn’t know” the most basic of life skills and would not do anything to “learn”
    *I was not the only one who struggled to reason with him
    *he demanded a lot of energy and attention from everyone in his life

    I was only able to eat about 500 calories a day and could only sleep about four hours. I was catatonic most of the time. I dissociated a lot more, I felt paranoid, I could not make sense of anything, my executive functioning significantly declined. I had no working memory. I felt lost all the time. I felt extremely hopeless
    I couldn’t talk to my therapist
    I started hitting myself and left bruises on my legs- I couldn’t control my body
    When we talked about moving in together- we spent an entire night talking about why I would not just “give him my entire disability check” and then he would “give me back the money I needed when i needed it.” He ended up asking his friend and his friend told him he was wrong- then he continued to argue with me about it

    He would talk in circles in what felt like an attempt to keep my attention on him
    Nothing made sense
    He twisted what I said
    There were periods after fighting when everything was so good again but it never stayed that way
    I knew if we had plans together- it was likely he would start an argument with me and I would be too sick to do the activity. And then he would fight with me about that, oftentimes with me sitting catatonic. Sometimes he would demand “why aren’t you saying anything!?”
    We agreed to disengaging when things were becoming too bad and I was dissociating. I was the only one to try to do that, despite me reminding him many times
    He always had the last word
    The one that clarified everything for me was when we were going to an event for a project to help me share my story he started an argument with me and I almost was too sick to go. On the way there, he drove erratically. I knew he would deny it. But I was like “this is INTENTIONAL. And this is intimidation as a means of control. This is coercive control.”
    I realized as long as he was around, I was going to have to give up the things I wanted or needed to do because he would make it nearly impossible. Even things he wanted to do too.

    I have been through dating violence and domestic violence before. I know the process of re-remembering all the things that in hindsight are so clear and obvious. I’ll probably post more as I work through this.
    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #DomesticAbuseSurvivors

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    Weight

    I can identify two specific thoughts weighing me down this morning-
    1- the professionals who I need to help me get out of this situation have given up on my case and are not currently working on it
    (Note: this is mostly true and I have a plan moving forward to take action on this. I just haven’t had the spoons to do so.)
    2- people saying “I would never let someone control me” / “______ doesn’t scare me.”
    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder isn’t really being scared. Usually I feel more worried than scared. I am worried about my ex becoming more… toxic is how I will describe it right now. He has shown signs of intimidation and so it would be incredibly naive for me not to be worried about that. Most of “feeling scared” is mostly in regards to housing insecurity. Which, again, would be incredibly naive to not feel scared. That’s a very real fear that anyone would feel in this situation.
    #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks

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    I need help

    I need help. Actual help. Not help that appears on paper like an option but in reality isn’t even viable for me. Not help with strings. Not falsely offered help that people offer out of obligation or good intention that never comes to fruition.

    I need real help.

    I do not think I am going to be getting it.

    I have been suffering for I don’t know how long.

    I don’t laugh anymore. I don’t have hope. There are no options. There isn’t even any comfort. I don’t even talk to people anymore. I don’t feel like I am capable of having any relationships with anyone.
    Even if I get some help with the most immediate crisis (housing)- I will only be back to the (prior to this) the time I was doing the most poorly.
    I wish people would stop calling this depression. It’s not depression. It is trauma. It is betrayal. It is what it looks like when you have been forced to “live” in unsafe, untenable spaces while being told that there is nothing else anyone can do. It is the consequences of losing my identity and support systems over and over and over again. This is what isolation looks like.

    I am not able to do anything to change my situation at this moment. I want to keep hoping but I have only gotten worse for years despite following so many best practices or doing things that are “supposed to work.”

    And when no one believes you, you lose your voice. And that is when I felt like my fate was sealed.

    I don’t know what I’m going to do or what I’m not going to do (not suicidal ideation- just to clarify). I’m just lost and alone and optionless.

    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Agoraphobia #ChronicMigraines #Trauma

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    Under a microscope

    *not looking for advice- just venting*
    There are so many things that are not okay or manageable right now.
    I feel so exposed- since I am homeless- every person who interacts with me knows every item I carry on me, every medication I take, every symptom I have, how much money I get, what I spend it on, every single thing.
    My boyfriend just told me his friend made a joke about “she’d probably have a meltdown.” And I was like “…🧐how does he know I have meltdowns” and he said “he knows you have ptsd” and I said “how does he know I have meltdowns” and he replied “you know his criminal history” and I responded “yes- because I accessed it through a public records search. Not from someone else telling me.” Then he responded “it’s not a big deal.”
    I cannot push the issue because I’m too dissociative right now and I do not have a system of reliable and consistent support. And maybe I am wrong.
    There are just so many things and I’m so scared and I feel like I have no one else to talk to except this abyss where people don’t really know me and can’t judge me.
    Does this make sense?
    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #DomesticAbuseSurvivors

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    Morning thoughts

    I had a moment of brief clarity this morning and I thought
    I am so tired
    Of being told that I am
    “too sick”
    Not from something within myself
    But because of the understandable responses my body is having
    Due to prolonged trauma
    With very little support
    And even fewer moments of reprieve
    For seven years.
    #CPTSD #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Agoraphobia #PanicDisorder

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    “Suicidal and paranoid” 👀 pardon me? #CPTSD #Disability #DomesticAbuseSurvivors

    I went to the ER today. I told them I was scared and I didn’t know what was happening in my relationship. I told them I needed to talk to someone about it to understand. I told them i am disabled and I am homeless.
    The way I was treated made me feel like a criminal. I was admitted to the ER as a patient and then immediately searched and had everything taken from me. They put me in a room with literally nothing on the walls and I was like 👀 ummmmmm can I have something like a puzzle page or something. They took blood from me but it was so painful. I literally was crying. I never cry from that. It isn’t supposed to be painful. I asked the nurse to stop and reinsert the needle and she didn’t even acknowledge me. I have chronic daily migraines. I am more than familiar with this process with all of the blood work they do and the IVs. I had a dark bruise by the time I left- which has never happened to me.
    My boyfriend showed up and they told me he was there. They didn’t let him back there but they also made him very suspicious.
    The “social worker” pointed out how I am on vyvanse, Xanax, and use medical marijuana and asked me if I have ever sought treatment for substance abuse. These medicines are all prescribed by a psychiatrist. I have chronic health conditions that do not respond to treatment. This is well documented in my medical records- which they had access to since it was the same hospital network I have used for over a decade. She went through a history of my trauma. I admitted I self harm and I did so recently but explicitly stated it was not a suicide attempt.
    She told me “you may have gotten yourself into another abusive situation” and told me they cannot do anything for me; they said they had no other resources. Then she said “I would recommend staying with your boyfriend temporarily if he isn’t being abusive.” 🤯 I was like “but I just told you idk if he is or not. He isn’t physically abusive but I’m scared.”
    When I left, it felt like they were handing me back to my boyfriend with a bow on.
    My paperwork said my presenting symptoms were “paranoid and suicidal.” That’s going to be a fun thing to have on my medical records.
    This is a fraction of what I experienced today.
    This.Is.Why.People.Stay.In.Abusive.Situations. When we ask for help, we are labeled as suicidal and paranoid. Then we are handed back to the person we are confused about.
    I am still unsure of if I am safe in this relationship but I feel like my fate has been determined by the lack of support I’ve been given. I have been told countless times I have no other options by both the medical and the mental health professionals.
    Relevant information for context- I was “awarded” 😑 a housing voucher. It expired twice because my case manager literally did not touch my file for the first two months. When i got the extension that my boyfriend had to help me with, she helped out once that I know of.
    I just needed to get some of this out.
    #CPTSD #DomesticAbuseSurvivors

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    Violently Needy #SexualTrauma #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Survivor #DomesticViolence #intimatepartnerviolence

    Dark Eyes
    Violent
    Set upon a twisted face
    Of someone I once knew
    A love and my best friend
    Now the smirk creeps in
    Like the invisible dark fog
    That is as thick as your dark hair
    A pause, Then
    “That gives me an idea though”
    Then
    A violent attack
    So unlike you
    But I’ve seen those dark eyes
    Mad, animalistic, hungry
    Once before
    Which was more than enough
    I had cast it out and you fell on the floor
    Sobbing
    But now I am screaming
    “What are you doing”
    I’m frantically dialing
    Behind your back
    As you forced me down onto mine
    And frenically tear at my pant’s ties
    Operator on speaker
    To me, an angel’s voice
    To you, exposure
    You hop off me and scream
    Hurl chocolate pudding at me
    And like blood, it splatters all over the floor,
    The walls,
    Once our home
    You tried to steal my power
    The rights of ME
    You tried and you failed
    But even if you had succeeded
    You’d still have failed
    Because
    You can’t take real power
    By being a coward
    Of your own internal disgrace

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    Do Narcissists Tell on Themselves If You Listen?

    YES.

    Narcissists tell on themselves all the time.

    If you listen closely.

    All the things they tell you during lovebombing, all the things they promise you they won't ever do to you, and all the promises they make about the future.

    Are the EXACT opposite of what's going to happen.

    All the things they judge people for, and all the things they tell you that people have done to them, all the behavior they tell you their exes are guilty of.

    Are the EXACT things, that they themselves do.

    All the little “warnings” they give you, that refer to dealing with them, such as “My ex did this n that, I dumped them, without an ounce of remorse”, “It takes a lot for me to start loving anyone”, or “I can be ruthless and mean, if you cross me”.

    No matter what sentence follows those statements, like “But I would never do that to you”, or “But with you it feels different”, understand that those are true assertions about themselves. They count for any relationship, with anyone.

    Yes, narcissists tell you everything about themselves,

    They just do it in reverse.

    (Source: www.quora.com/Do-narcissists-tell-on-themselves-if-you-listen)

    #narcissists #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor #Abuse #EmotionalAbuse #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #DomesticAbuse #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #DomesticViolence #ChildhoodAbuse

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    #Anxiety #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Codependency

    Hi there! I'm on a journey of learning. Love having community though. Currently in the process of an MSW, policy directed. Figuring out life and mental health for myself in the process along the way.

    Thinking of it as 'stepping into my power.' Would that be tripping up the stairs? Feels like all at once in this emotional whirlwind!

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    Alone

    I don't understand why everyone on my support team does not want listen to me :( through out the week I have slowly losing myself to this brain injury !!! It doesn't matter what I am doing or acting they don't want to see that !! It's gotten to the point where I have tried to hurt myself or end my life as it is has literally stolen from me from the inside out I am slowly losing myself #turningleaf #PTSD #assult #DomesticAbuseSurvivors