I'm 31 and only just realizing the damage that's been done from, barely, living with #CPTSD . My life is just a shell and there seems to be no consistent way out. I live with chronic and debilitating physical and mental health issues. It's tricky to even go to the doctor's that I need to see. But I did make it to an appointment today to see if I qualify for Medical Marijuana, and I did. This should be a happy day and something to call a win, but was lost in the grief of not being able to afford the license or a trip to the dispensary. So the new problem is now with the one thing that could change my life completely as far as pain management, is seemingly unobtainable. I can't work. I haven't been physically able or mentally stable to work for 3 years now. My partner is also drowning in #CPTSD and can barely hold down his job. We are literally watching our last dollars fly out of our bank account with next months bills hanging over our head. We've only managed to get this far by sheer luck of stimulus checks and his tax returns. Everything we used to do was 50/50 up until I couldn't work. Now I'm just a black hole. I know I didn't ask to have health problems. I never dreamed I'd have #ChronicIllnessEDS but neither did he. We've been together since we were 15 years old. I wanted to work and have money and carry us out of this shit hole holler and out of this shit hole town, but I don't even know what my future looks like. If I can dream, it's beautiful, but it's mainly hopeless. I feel like it would've been better, for mostly everyone, had my mother just got an abortion instead of having me. But sadly, I made her life monitarily easier as I was her fast track to governments housing and food stamps. Not that there's anything wrong with that in general, but having a kid for that purpose just to abandon later in life bc I was too "gay" to be under her roof doesn't sound like a fair option for anyone. (Long story short, my partner turned out to be trans so jokes on my birth mother) I've been in therapy for 3 years, which helps with about 2% of what I'm dealing with. And I don't really click with my therapist, but am too nervous that if I were to move on, I'd find a worse one. I'm so tired of fighting myself and my life situation, the brain fog, the abandonment milange, and emotional dysregulation. I'm not going to say I have it better or worse than anyone else. I'd never compare. I'm only expressing what I feel from a lived perspective. I miss the life I could have, the relationships that could've or should've been. I miss closeness and trust between people. I miss the family that threw me out like trash and taught me to hide who I was. The people I was taught to crap fit myself to. I miss being able to put up with emotional abuse so I could feel connected for a second with somebody. I miss not having to choose between my authentic depressed self or happy go lucky masked self just to be part of a toxic family system. None of this probably makes any sense, but I do not feel mighty at all. I feel toxic, heavy, disappointed, infuriated, sad and tired. I just want to make it instead of scraping by. I want to feel like I don't have to choose between my dogs heart medication or my medication or medication vs food or gas vs car payment or tuned out vs feeling present or lonely vs seen and heard. I don't exactly know what I want other than better than right now. If only I could just go back to not existing.