DV

Hi, my name is Healinglight.

I’m here because today feels heavy.

Yesterday would have been my anniversary with my abuser. It’s been over two years since I left. Most days I call myself a survivor — and I am. I got out. I rebuilt. I’m standing.

But some days, like today, I feel like I haven’t healed at all.

I feel angry.

Angry at the way he treated me — the manipulation, the gaslighting, the cruelty that slowly chipped away at who I was.

Angry at myself for staying as long as I did. For believing his words. For buying into promises that were never going to be real. For trying harder when I was already exhausted.

And sometimes I’m angry at the people around me who weren’t there when I needed them most. The ones who didn’t see it. Or didn’t want to see it. Or couldn’t hold space for how bad it really was.

I know healing isn’t linear. I know leaving was brave. I know I survived something that could have broken me.

But on days like this, the anger feels loud. And I don’t always know where to put it.

I’m still learning how to be proud of the woman who left, while also forgiving the woman who stayed.

If you’ve ever felt both strong and shattered at the same time, I guess I just want you to know you’re not alone. And maybe I’m not either.

#MightyTogether #Abuse #Toxic #DV

So I am at DV shelter and for the last two days another client in the house has seemingly singled me out to abuse?! I think she's on speed or something too? So she is screaming and yelling at me calling me names etc and the staff at shelter felt that I should go in my room? I am capable 100% of not talking to or being around that person! She just will not leave me alone? After having another attack from her maybe an hour passed by and she started talking to me like we were old friends asking me what time I had to work today? I at first didn't respond after 4 more times I just said I don't wanna talk to you and then she starts right back in on me!? Telling me she wants me kicked out and that I don't follow the rules just not making any sense?!? So my question is how the heck do I not think about it and go about my day?! I left the shelter very early so I could avoid that person entirely but I feel unsafe unprotected and I feel like I am allowing this person to run me off?! Its just that in the past due to my anti social bpd ways I can be violent after all the abuse I have been handed I guess I have used that to get my way?! Just the way my abusers always have? So I don't trust that I will be able to control myself I am so angry I haven't slept or showed or kept my appts today I'm sitting in my car in front of a friend's house bawling!!! How an this be happening and how do I make it stop!!! Do I just run or get a ppo?? The thing is I am moving out in less than a week and have great things a new apt job to look forward to but I am jot handling this drama well at all!! I'm trying not to beat myself up but I am mad that she is getting to me! I feel like I am being mistreated all over again!! I cry more when I am mad than ever! I dislike crying very much! What really bothers me is missing everything work! physical therapy! I just can't do it!! Staff at shelter told me to just let it go dont let it bother you so much?! Which made me more mad!!! If I fuck this up before the shelter helps me move out I will lose all of the household items and furniture the shelter is providing me and all of my transition help from them as well?! That cannot happen!!! Well fuck!! Not sure what I am gonna do now but I do know that I am taking my meds now! Help and please don't say just let it go!?!? Please?

#BPD #Upallnight #Bipolar #PTSD #DV OK so I am still at this womens shelter and everything has been going well until yesterday this woman who is also staring here has been trying to talk to me then spewing hate and accusations at me saying she is going to get me kicked out and I am dangerous to kids and nasty and racist?!? Wtf??? I have had zero problems with anyone I share my pop cigs whatever I try to be kind and helpful so now I can barely come out of my room with her here!?! I have spoken with those in charge here and they say to stay away from her so I do but have accidentally run into her in kitchen so after all the drama she again talks to me and asks me what time I have to work tomorrow and I say I have nothing to say to you so then she lost it! I think she's on meth because it's belligerent and strange and makes no sense??? Any ideas???

At the beginning of March my ex cost me my job by leaving town and refusing to watch his daughter (we had agreed I’d work full time while he watched her then he’d do his stuff when I’m not working and we’d coparent) and I couldn’t really get anyone else to watch her because she was going through stuff and wanted to be with either mom or dad so I lost my job and went back to being a SAHM. Then when he got back to town issues arised with our neighbors because of something he did that caused alarm to them and we had threats made on us due to his actions. He packed everything up in the middle of the night and moved us to his friends apartment that has been been abandoned and left us here and left town again for two weeks and just came back Monday l. I have working on finding daycare to put my daughter in while working on transitioning her to going to go to daycare so I can go back to work, I’ve also been trying to get help with finding stable housing because of the situation I’ve been put in with my daughter. He also has my car and our daughters car seat as well.
He is now messaging me telling me he wants me to leave the friends apartment because he wants his spot back all because I asked him to get his stuff and not show up unannounced. I’m at a loss honestly. I looked into going to a shelter but was told it could take up to a month and I might only be there for a week and that if I’m safe here to stay here. I’m safe but it’s not stable..
If anyone knows of any resources that can help me get into a place and get situated without too much trouble quickly I would really appreciate you message me please. I have some income and some savings as well. I’m from Oregon. #DV #Housing #help #oregon #BPD #Anxiety #CPTSD

Self-Published Author, Amazon
Selling real estate and originating loans hasn’t fulfilled me on a personal level. I have a gift for writing and altering the perception of personal experiences in such a way, it transforms and heals people from their traumatic experiences. Through this passion, I have successfully written and published two books an surviving abuse:

Dear God: Book 1 – A Story from Hell to Hope, Published 4/2013

Letters to the Soul: The Guide to Spiritual Awakening, Published 7/2018​

#Abuse #DV #vaw #heal #Breakthecycle

Long term relationship of over 7 years. Through witch we have suffered grate loss including eptopic pregnancy and the births of our two children who are 1 and 5 now.
I’ve found out that she’s scared of my anger now due to a lot of factors like most people money is a huge factor.
But she’s now scared of me because of my outbursts and was so scared to talk to me that she stay with me. This has resulted in her being unhappy that snow balls into sex being rape to her now. And I’ve only just found out.
I’m now in a deep hole of self hate and have no idea what to do. I’m scared to see her but want to. I just want to erase my self from her life. I am what I hate now and just can’t find any light. I’m having panic attracts and suicidal thoughts. Her and the kids are my world. And I can’t keep them safe. She’s distraught and is having health issues again that further complicates everything
I just can’t see any light anymore. It’s not like we don’t love each other