Overwhelming emotion-thought whirlwinds
The emotional intensity of these just hands my ass too me. All of a sudden everything feels wrong I am angry, sad, scared with such intensity that I’m bombarded with intrusive thoughts of ending things, between floods of tears or flashes of rage depending on the tone of the snap, I sit crying with intrusive thoughts of self-harm and suicide that I just have to fight not to act on.
The emotions are so intense they control my mind, I get caught in thought loops, “make them break up with you so you can die without hurting anyone” - I am AWARE that these emotions are too intense, and I’m aware my thoughts are irrational but the emotional intensity and mental scrambling is at such intensity I can’t pull myself out of it. Unless I self-harm, which I don’t do. So it lasts, 4,5,6 - 9 hours.
I watch it and slowly try to pick my emotions apart. Draw them write them, call a helpline and talk. Try to get to the core of this tangled knot of emotional bullshit. I feel shame for the thoughts and feelings I have in that state which are hard to recover from. And the intensity of the experience is such that I _feel_like_ I did the things I only thought and felt.
Too other people it looks like I go from normal to a broken mess in half a day, they don’t understand because I can’t explain. I can’t explain because of the shame, because I’m aware how crazy the experience is. So I just keep it inside, try to forgive myself and keep being a good person to the people around me. Xx #TriggerWarnings #emotionalinstability #Selfharm #quietbpd #SuicidalIdeation