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More than a glimmering bow

A year ago, a birthday was almost far fetchedand almost not to been even seen. As I'd failed a suicide attempy a week before. Thank Goodness, I certainly did fail. A praise indeed! Even though with passive thoughts still peck away at me, I try to avoid them surely. As best as I can while I at times still weep. With a day between now and another birthday that's within sight, my deepest longing is to have true lifelong friends in my life. Please, may I have more than just one? # friendless, #friend support, #PTSD , # Spiritual and Religious Traumas, #Survivor of both conversion therapy

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Preanticipatory Grief

Have you ever felt #Grief before the person who is terminally ill has passed away? I know that it will happen, but I also know that my brain is unable to really focus. Since I am on #prozac it makes it difficult for some internal emotions to be displayed.

I am feeling #sad and feeling a sense of #Loss without actually experiencing it yet. I think that it is because my Aunt is very ill and should make it through the holidays if we are blessed enough for that. I am #scared because I know what it is like to lose a parent as I lost my Dad last year to #Cancer and it hurts like crazy.

It is also #horrible when you #Lose a job because you called out so many times. It is not a good feeling at all whatsoever. That is grief as well. I am struggling and I really would like a #friend .

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Ocean apart

I’m not sure who to tell so I’m posting here, anonymously, an old friend of mine reached out to me a few days ago and we’ve been talking. It’s been so nice having them in my life again that I don’t want to lose this connection but back when we first became friends it was a bit controversial. I think at the time i depended on them too much we had a weird friendship back then and I’m not sure how to convey to them after 4 years I’m different and just wanna take this second chance slow.

I’m not sure what to say or how to describe how much this simple connection means. My depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts haven’t been effecting me like they once did. Honestly I’m in a much better place too. We can’t meet up, due to an ocean separating us. I’m okay with that. I’m just happy to have them in my life.

#Anxiety #Depression #ChronicDepression #friend #CheckInWithMe

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Intrusive thoughts which infect the mind

I have a intrusive thoughts which infect my mind and make it difficult to concentrate. They start the minute I wake up and do not cease until I go back to sleep. I have many hobbies and try to keep my mind occupied but the evil thoughts replay over and over.

When I was physically assaulted over ten years ago I never thought that I would continue to experience flashbacks and trauma from the incident. I have been in fights before and thought it would become another distant memory of something unfortunate. My experience has been completely different and I am stuck in a never ending loop of sorrow and pity.

The attack causes me major mental health issues that I can't move on from. I am stuck in a negative cycle of pain and suffering. The image of the attack repeats in my mind. I see the faceless images of multiple attackers and the fear of reliving the incident is ever present. I am afraid of what's in store for me as I battle to focus on what's important.

It is difficult to describe the incident as it involves anger, betrayal and resentment. The only thing I know for sure is that it leaves me empty and insecure. These people purposefully sought to hurt me and they were successful.

I hate to say it but my mental health has deteriorated to the point where I am miserable. I hate my life and I am aware of the holes I keep digging are damaging me further. I blame my mother and father for a lot of my problems whether it is their fault or not. They did their best but had unrealistic expectations and when I was unable to achieve the impossible goals they had set for me I spiralled in to a deep depression.

This depression has followed me for years and the more I let it control my life - the more pain it causes me. I have never dealt with any of the negative emotions that fill my mind. I bottled everything up and pretended I was fine. I am at the point where I don't see anything improving and I want to hurt the few people I have left.

I really wish I could end on something positive but my life has become a merry go round of pain, sorrow and regret. I hate myself in more ways than one and I need help but the road to recovery is fraught with feelings of guilt and resentment.

EDIT: I am fully aware that my posts are very much a pity party. I am hurting inside and just desperately want to feel better.

#Depression #Misery #Sadness #hurt #Pain #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #feelings #unhappy #Relationships #Friendship #Love #Trauma #PTSD #challenges #Life #Death #advertisy #friend #peace #Emotion #flasback #Lettinggo #scar #regret #compassion #Thoughts #Mindfulness #Anxiety #reserved #Respect #peace

10 reactions 6 comments

I don’t have many friends and I’m really lonely I used to message my partner all the time and I guess became codependent would anyone be my friend?

Hi sorry I’m going through a tough time everything in life is wrong right now and I’m just trying to survive and start from zero again. Would anyone be ok being friends or checking in on each other from time to time ? DM Chat or comments ? Thank you if you don’t mind, I’m really struggling and need to reach out for help,

Gonna do my best to check out counselling if free or something I could afford as I’m unemployed and struggle to keep a job. Thank you for any kind words or anyone who doesn’t mind checking on each other everyone now and then. It would mean a lot during this hard time. Thank you everyone, and any help really means so much. #Selflove #Trying #Pain #inpain #Crisis #Tryinghard #hurt #anger #disappoinent #Unexpected #breakup #notcopingwell #ThankYou #lonely #friend #praying #hopeallworksout #ThankYou #reminders #Anxiety #Trying #future #Fear #Pain #Depression #help #self -help #needtobestrong #counselling #reachout #cheerup #DistractMe #needafriend

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Thanksgiving Week

Hello Everyone! It's #Thanksgiving week. I wanted to wish you a happy holiday. Whether you are spending it with #Family or a #friend or a #Furbaby you are never #alone . I think sometimes this time of year is a kick off for some of the most difficult things to face. This means #lonely for some #Grief for others and many more #Emotions .

I want to let you know that whatever you're facing... You're not #alone .

I am here for you.

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Getting really frustrated and hurt

I have a friend, my bestie. The last several months she's cancelled on me nearly every time we are supposed to get together. It's really beginning to hurt. I've told her how this feels numerous times. She has borderline personality disorder. At what point do I pull the plug on this? What would you ? #friend


Well that's it. I am on the path to self sabotage

I've stayed home for the past 3 days

I lashed out at my therapist today and was real nasty. She even got frustrated herself. But I caused that

My friend got frustrated as they're trying to help me, but I just refuse to let them in

Trauma processing lead me down a bad path of realizations that I refuse to "heal"

I'm done with this fucking painful ass journey

And so with that I have failed

I have officially became an abuser

My hope is that this path of self sabotage, damage, and pain will lead me to taking my life

I'd rather be dead than to face this stupid journey

#Suicide #Abuse #control #friend

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ABSOLUTE TRUST #Trust #Cat #Love #SafeSpace #friend

My cat is not God who sees all things and understands all things. However in her perfection as “Cat” she constantly reminds me that in her eyes I am a safe haven. Lindt was a rescue cat. Left behind with her kittens when her human family moved. Today she is precious in My eyes and a good reminder that I am precious in Gods eyes. We are Loved!!!

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