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Recovery road- 60 days sober

I am Officially 60 days sober today! Its been a difficult road and a long journey but I am truly proud of how far I have come. A huge thank you to my recovery coach, Lisa and Amanda who has always been on my side, encouraging me along the way. I am writing this to share some about my recovery road, and open up to others about just how far I have come. Addiction had always been a part of My life, unfortunately my mother was a very heavy drug addict, who came to me with a plate of cocaine at 14 years old, and said "do some with me, cause I have nobody else to do this with." I was smoking crack with my mother by the age of 15. There is SO MUCH sadness in my heart to explain the loss I have and carry with me, every single day, because she died from her addiction. She died from a combination of drugs.. cocaine, heroin, fentanyl, and methadone. The cops told me that they had been theee many times to revive her with narcan. She didn't want to get help, and couldn't quit on her own. I can honestly say the same about myself, in the beginning I didn't want help and I truly didn't want to get or be sober but now I embrace only sobriety and happiness in my life. Although it's so hard, and never gets easier, and it's sad to say the cravings don't go away, but I have become a much better stronger version of myself that I never even knew existed its wonderful to find joy and sobriety in places, things and situations i wouldnt be able to feel a thing in, wrapped into destruction, numb from the drugs. If you know someone with a drug addiction, try not to judge and try to understand that us drug addicts never chose addiction. We dont wake up one day and want to become a drug addict. Drug addicts have an unlimited source and strong amount of pain, that we then treat with drugs or alcohol to numb ourselves. And that becomes our only way and form of a coping mechanism. I view drug addiction, like how I view dissacociating. Dissacociating and Trauma: You are disconnected from your own body, You are standing to the side or above your body, You are watching your life, but feeling nothing. Who you are has permanently changed. The world is foggy or abstract, You are uncertain about where you start and where you end. You are uncertain about where others start or end. You experience memory loss, And have different internal personalities.

So really if your caught up in drug addiction,you lose yourself and no longer get to experience being yourself. When you embrace Sobriety and truly become Sober, you get yourself, and more back. You get to feel so deeply again, and get to reach a part of yourself that was simply buried and unreachable with drug abuse. Experience your own self in ways that you couldn't even ever imagine. You get to fully love yourself again, and that is by far the best part of Sobriety. #Sobriety #SOBER #soberlooksgoodonyou #Addiction #loveyourself #positivemotivation #everyday #peerrecoverycoach #makingchanges #improveyourself #workonyourself

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Lord Willing

Lord Willing

When you take right and wrong out of the equation/situation, you are left with reality.
The only thing that is constant is change. The only thing we ever really have in now. This very present moment.
A friend of mine passed away on November 8th, 2022. One of my younger brother’s birthday along with my late step-father’s birthday is November 7th. These two dates will always be a reminder to me of our mortality. Of both life and death. Reality. We live and then we eventually die. This is the cycle of life as we know it. Change. Here one day and gone the next.
I miss my friend, but i truly believe that he is in a better place. I am relieved that he is no longer in pain. He was suffering through a lot of pain in his latter days. He told me so a week before his passing. Rest in paradise (R.I.P.) my friend. It was an honor to have crossed paths with you.
Something like this happens on Saturday November 8th and I was back out Monday morning November 10th looking for a day labor job to work in order to pay my bills. As much as I miss my friend, I still have to take care of my day-to-day responsibilities
How is a person supposed to deal with this situation? What is the right and what is the wrong way to cope and conduct one’s self during these situations? How do I maintain?
Is it right or wrong that my friend passed away so suddenly? It’s reality. It's a part of life.
I remember the last time I saw him. Moment.
I will no longer see him around and be able to talk to him about the weather, the Saints, jazz music, and how Louisiana has the best food in the world. (It really does).
So I ask again.
Is it right or wrong that my friend passed away so suddenly?
I don’t know if it’s right. I don’t know if it’s wrong. It’s real.
I pray that I make it to see 46 years of age. Lord willing.
I am determined to bring my good intentions to fruition. Lord willing.
I want and need to help people significantly. I will help people significantly. Lord willing.
It’s about time. I owe you all my life and what ever gifts, compassion, and positive influences that I have to offer.
I am currently 44 years old. I want to have a good answer when God askes me “What have you done for children?”
Grief is a part of mental illness that can be difficult to deal with as is PTSD, Complex PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and all other types of mental illnesses. These issues affect us at different times with different degrees of trauma.
That’s why these sites, groups, blogs, and discussions are so helpful. I appreciate the help and support everyone provides on The Mighty. For many of us, our resources are so limited. I want to help people but sometimes it can be so exhausting just trying to run a couple of day-to-day errands.
There’s no exact or even approximate time table for how long the affects of grief will last. There’s no schedule for what days it will hurt and the number on a scale of one to ten it will affect you.
And I have to go to work tomorrow.

… Lord willing.

#everyday

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Doing too much?

Feel like I need to do 'something' outside of the house every day, but not wanting to overdo it

#Outside , #everyday , #pacing #Reflecting

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S.M.I.L.E.

See Miracles in Life Every _____ (day, moment, breath .. fill in the blank :)

#everyday #miracles

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Everyday is a special occasion. #everyday #specialoccasion

Wear that special dress, pants, blouse, shirt you were saving for a special occasion. Take out those special guest dinner plates and use them for dinner tonight. Have fun with those special people in your life. What are you waiting for? Special moments can only be caught once. Enjoy yourself!

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#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfhate #everyday

Right now, I’m battling so much in my head I just want to scream. I hate myself and the way I am. I hate the way I talk, the way I think, the way I react to things, the way I look, the fact I’m so weak with my battles with addiction, the fact I’m a failure of a person in entirety.
Every day I question, what it is I’m even putting into this world and come up with nothing.
Every day I question, would anyone actually care if I left for good?
Every day I question, why I’m even here at all.
I’m not living, I just exist. Flowers put more into the world then I do.
I feel like I steal the oxygen I breathe everyday. Maybe that’s why I damage my lungs as much as possible and neglect treatments for them even when I can’t talk my asthma is so bad.
I feel like I’ve wasted every day of my life.
I know I’m not worth the time, resources and effort it takes to be a part of society, maybe that’s why I close off from it.
I’ve felt like this so long nobody takes me seriously anymore, so there’s no point in talking about it anymore.
Maybe that’s why they call me kalamity kay.

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