This is the first time I speak about my feelings.
I think it’s about 18 months that I’m struggling with bad thoughts.
Just before pandemic I tried to convince myself that I needed therapy but COVID outbreak stopped all my good purposes.
My best friend saved my life in that period and he was the one who made me love life again…so I owe him my being still here today.
I’m a Med student and I’m also an EMT.
During my shifts as an EMT I witnessed horrible scenes and things and most of them are the cause of my bad thoughts.
The worse was a cardiac arrest who reminded me my father’s death.
I was the only one in my team performing chest compressions on the patient, so when he was pronounced dead I felt all fault on me.
I’m still feeling responsible for his death and although I continually repeat myself that I couldn’t do anything more, there’s a part of me that blame myself for not be able to save him.
So, from that point, a year ago my bad thoughts intensified leading me to argue with my colleagues, to put me in bad situations, to start a toxic relationship and lose almost all my friends.
Now I feel very lonely and I’m taking courage to speak up and express all my feelings with someone that can help me.