givenup

A few weeks ago, I said the most hurtful thing to my mother. I didn’t want to make her feel bad but I was angry and tired of how ignorant she’s been with the rest of my family about my mental health. I said ‘ I wish y’all went for counseling before getting kids’. Before y’all attack me, I’m aware that wasn’t right. But hear me out, today morning I told her that instead of being angry at me for what I said she should have tried to figure out why I would say such a horrible as that. I was on the verge of crying as I was trying to explain to her why I said that, you know what she did? She walked off as I was talking. I was left there talking to myself. She didn’t care about what I was saying, all she said as she walked off is that it was hurtful to her. I was like what about me?

I have suffered for years in silence and when I finally broke free my family didn’t give a shit. They made me even quit therapy lol. I live in a family where no one cares about your feelings. When there’s a problem they think that by ignoring it and praying about it, it’ll go away. My siblings treat me like shit. They have said the most meanest things to me. My sister is 27 and she still argues about everything, like honey you shouldn’t even be in this house. She has called me stupid even in front of neighbors anyway I’m tired. I have tried to talk about my issues; my selfharm, my depression and anxiety with my family but nothing. I have gone back to suffering in silence. I’m not sure what will kill me first, my head or the corona virus. I am sick and tired of being home with people who make me feel like I don’t mean anything. Home should be a safe place, it should be home but it isn’t for me.

When I said that to my mom, I was tired because I couldn’t see change. She wasn’t ready to listen and understand what was going through my head. I feel like when you decide to have a child be sure that you’ll provide for them mentally too. Realize that not all kids are usually happy or seeking attention. Create a good environment of communication and change instead of ignoring issues. I’m not going to lie but I don’t regret telling her she should have had counseling because she has abandoned me mentally.

#CheckInWithMe #givenup #lonely #Depression #Anxiety

It’s days like today that I sit here in this room with four walls that I hate myself even more! Why is it that you just can’t control your mood I try so hard and I feel worse I looked in the mirror earlier and I didn’t see a smile I saw fat me ugly me the person I feel I just want it All to stop and it d Oi rant when will I feel good enough for someone live my own family’s love #Unlovable #givenup #Depression

I’ve been lost for so long that I don’t remember a time I haven’t been. I’m close to losing my job. My therapist has no clue how to help beyond medication and “walking away” from my family. I don’t think I want to die, but I have fantasies that I do, and then I could finally be free. I think I’m beyond saving. #Depression #givenup

I was in a psychiatric hospital for about two weeks a month ago, so they obviously prescribed me several medications. When I was discharged I was referred to a clinic to see a therapist and psychiatrist the only issue with this is I live in a county where heroin use and over dose is considered an epidemic so a lot of people are court ordered to go to said clinic. So since I’m going basically of my own free will I’m on a waiting list. They said it could be well over a month before I could see anyone. I can’t help but to want to end everything.

If only.... if... only... I had a gun.... some people say we’re living in hell but I’m a firm believer that there is a place far below us for that! However, the trials I face is almost like prosecution and serves me no purpose. So, tell me again, in my darkest days when there is no one to physically talk to, when you’ve burned all your bridges by your own choices, when everything around you seem to be falling apart....tell me again, what is the purpose of living or existing?

I feel so low I want to shut myself off from everyone push everyone away so no one will care if I ‘disappeared’ I can’t find anything to make me genuinely happy without it giving me the worst anxiety at the same time and it’s all just too much to cope with on a daily basis. I don’t want to do this anymore. #Depression #Anxiety #BadDay #Suicide #givenup

Regardless of what I do and how hard I try to get better it’s never enough. I’m never enough. It’s not going to get better. I don’t want to any more. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ChronicDepression #givenup

I've had three serious relationships in my life, all of which ended due to my own #behaviors of #insecurity , #isolating  ,#exhaustion  , that stem from my illness. I also do not #trustmyself to recognize a #goodpartner who will be kind and supportive. My #pastpartners ranged between #cool  and #unsupportive to #verballyabusive . I was always drawn to partners with whom I felt like I needed to explain, justify or #improvemyself  . I would really like to share my life with someone but feel #paralyzedwithfear of making another #badchoice so have lived #safelyalone  for several years now.