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the endless tormented mind

having a mind that wont turn off, it wont stop analyzing, and it just wants to be loved yet is so unlovable…begs to die. but i cant kill myself. i have a 15 year old boy and several animals someone would have to care for. noone could love them like i do. yes his dad would care for him and he wouldnt have to deal with me anymore. his sister left us almost three years ago and doesn’t want to ever come back. cant blame her. im just messed up 100%. no drugs help. they make it worse, counseling doesn’t help much. i just want an end to this pain in my head. i dont want to live anymore. as if i was living anyway. noone loves me. noone wants me around. noone give a crap about me. so why should i stay? to continue the pain. the torment. the loneliness that plagues me to my core. tired of breathing and going through the motions of my bs life that everyone sees as so wonderful. its not when they are stuck in my stupid head. its fn hell. im so sick of it. wish something could just kill me. why do i always have to do everything? i hate my life. i wish i was never born and never had kids since im such a screwup in every way possible. its just too much to keep on with this nonsense . #hatelife mymindismessedup #Unlovable #unworthyoflove


#CPTSD #CPTSDinrelationships #ADHD #ADHDinrelationships #neurodivergent

Does anyone else with #CPTSD *and* #neurodivergent #ADHD (as opposed to trouble focusing and/or agitation due to trauma) feel like they just completely and totally suck, pretty much all of the time? Especially in your romantic relationships? Like, for me, because I have ADHD and CPTSD together, and they aren’t caused by eachother…although they do exacerbate eachother for sure…I cannot grasp the concept of object permanence. I learned about it in a psych class and then a few years later my pastor told me totally out of the blue that I never learned that concept. For me it is a complex trauma thing primarily but also probably a neurodivergent thing…I’ve heard several people with ADHD talk about literally forgetting that their friends exist when they aren’t right there. For me, between both issues, I literally cannot grasp that my boyfriend loves me if he has not told me in the past 10-15 minutes. I don’t do the clingy thing usually (although sometimes, to be fair, so usually I just withdraw and my #Depression and #Anxiety and feeling #worthless and #Unlovable get worse, until eventually I text him and tell him that I’m worried he doesn’t love me anymore. The thing is he has the same two “disorders”. CPTSD and ADHD, so he goes through the exact same thing. If I had to guess, I’d say we’re both the #disorganizedattachment aka #fearfulavoidant attachment type. I have taken a bunch of assessments and I know I am, and he basically has my brain in a male body with different but complementary likes, dislikes, and interests. Except his “toxic inner critic” manifests as “hearing voices” outside of his head, and mine manifests as several different silent “voices” of various abusers inside my head. He seems to be way more successful at tuning them out than I am though. How do I turn the enormous self hatred off? Nearly every time he tries to show me he loves me, this is a weird image but go with it…it’s like my brain pulls up some kind of drawbridge and he has to swim through this moat full of alligators to get to where I’ve withdrawn to. And I’m stuck on the dang island and I can’t get out and get to him, even though all I want is a hug. And he’s the exact same way when it comes to me. We just alternate who’s insecure when and who’s reassuring who. I just don’t know how much longer he’s going to be willing to swim through mental alligators to pull me out of my #Trauma vortex, as my SE therapist calls it.

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Worth Fighting For

I never knew what it meant to be wholly and unselfishly loved until I met my husband and I never knew what having a family was like until we created one. Even on my most trying of days when my children test all limits of my patience I am so incredibly grateful. I prayed for a life like this. But it can be so incredibly challenging to not let my past experiences of feelings of worthlessness and feeling unlovable trickle in and consume my happiness and this life and version of me I worked so hard for. The saying, “focus on the good” and “love conquers all” comes as reminders to remember how incredibly blessed I really am and just how much this life now was worth all the battle wounds. #unworthy #Unlovable #focusonthegood #Love #Family #Worthfightingfor #Blessed


Feeling empty #Abandoned #Unlovable

COVID has put all of us in such an off mental state but I can’t seem to shake this episode. I was tested for COVID on July 8th and my boss (who I’ve worked for over 3 1/2 years for) told me that I couldn’t come back to work until I had a negative result, understandable. I finally got results on Friday the 17th and texted me boss excited and beyond ready to go back to work, never got a response so I texted him again on Monday and he said okay let’s have a meeting and catch up, thinking that it was just a meeting to go over what I had missed out on for two weeks I went and met with him and I was fired and his reasoning was “I think you need to take time to work on you and your mental health” shocked and heartbroken I was also confused because I hadn’t really had any issues at work with my mental illnesses, reminder I have worked for this man for 3 1/2 years, I moved away from home to Colorado and I interviewed and got the job without knowing anyone in this town, my job was my everything. And my coworkers were more than coworkers, they were my best friends and family, I spent holidays with them. And I feel so abandoned and devastated. I truly feel I was discriminated against and I can’t wrap my head around it. I know it’s just a job but it was more than that to me, it was where I rooted myself and became a new me in a new town. None of my “friends” texted me once asking how I was doing or if I needed anything, I truly feel like an outcast and loser. They had someone new on the schedule before I was even fired......... anyone been through this? #Discrimination #InvisibleIllnesses #PTSD I live in Colorado where it’s a “no contract state” which means you can be fired for simply no reason but I truly feel with the proof I have and the damage that job did to me mentally, I can fight and win. I was always treated a little different than everyone else, like a child (funny cause I was the only #SOBER one) I went into that meeting with excitement and hope and purpose, and instead I was fired and left with the most hatred for myself ive ever had. Thanks for reading and letting me ramble, love you all

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Am I lovable?

Am I lovable? One thing that has been playing over and over in my head lately is something my ex said to me "you're too broken to love".
I've been asking myself lately if I'm ever going to have someone that will love me, that will be able to look past my brokenness and love me for who I truly am. That bubbly outspoken strong women I am. But I've lost hope. I don't think anyone will. I'm past broken, I'm shattered. My childhood shattered me and I have moments of complete brokenness that I can't escape. Who would love that? Who wants that? But am I ever going to get past that?? I feel as if im always going to have moments of brokenness. Of remembering my childhood and being triggered and it making me angry and sad and so many other emotions. Maybe I am too broken to love, maybe I always will be.

#ComplexPTSD #complextrauma #Childhoodtrauma #childhoodassult #Love #Unlovable #Broken #Trauma #PTSD


Self Sabotage #Unlovable

I just read the "Letter To My Wife Who Has Anxiety and Depression, From Your Husband" and I had an epiphany - a true breakthrough.
After the dissolution of my marriage, and starting a new relationship, I began to realize that I was doing the same thing all over again. I was finding fault with everything my partner was doing. I knew I should focus on the positive and appreciate all his efforts but the negative thoughts always crowded out the positive ones. Then it occurred to me that this stems from my intrinsic belief that I am unlovable.
When we met, I had a manic, euphoric episode - the upside of bipolar. I never disclosed my diagnosis as I believed that this was the "stable new me". And then I crashed and I panicked as I believed that the "other me" was the person he fell in love with; the person he believed I was. Now what?
Subconsciously, I felt that once he figured out what a fraud I am, he will no longer be able to love me. So it's best if I keep this wall up around my heart, so I won't be too hurt when the inevitable happens. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. The Four Horsemen of the relational Apocalypse. And I was using them all as maladaptive coping mechanisms; ways of avoiding my own issues. And I had no idea this was happening until I put two and two together.
I found this amazing psychologist who has helped me immensely. The article help me gain the insight I have needed. I have many complex issues including PTSD, Bipolar with major depressive episodes, trauma induced Anxiety and Panic Attacks. My Fibromyalgia is definitely exacerbated by this.
I will be working to get over this, and now that I am more aware, I can approach it proactively and make positive changes. It's been a long, long road of healing for me but this is a huge piece; an epic insight.
I am so very grateful for this article. I am printing it to give to my partner as I believe it will be a source of comfort for him as well.
Thank you all!!


No support, No hope

Struggling with continuing to survive I say it that way because it's been a very long time since I'd say I was living/truly alive. I have the DX of Borderline Personality Disorder, Complex PTSD and Bipolar 2 disorder.

I'm broken, shattered, bleeding
Yet no one's seeing
longing, wishing, needing
Someone who will stay
Someone who wont juust walk away
crying, begging, screaming
Yet no one's hearing
longing, wishhing, needing
Someone 's hope
Someone's love
theese things never come
only darkness not the sun
I can't do this anymore
keep my tourtured soul
imprisoned in this world
where I don't belong
Where I don't fit in
Where I'm all alone
Without hope
Without peace
Without a place to live
'cept on the streets
I can't be strong for one more day
So this is where I say
Spread my wings and fly

I have no hope even here on the Mighty where there is so much love and support I frequently become hopeless and discouraged because I see all the posts from people saying they have been battling there mental illness for 30 years and still struggle daily with things like triggers, eptiness, relationship issues, medications and so much more. Don't get me wrong I see such beauty and strength here in every single mighty one of you but I can not find 1 reason to hope.
I have no support. My family is all dead except 2 sisters who never speak to me. I have no friends. I am pretty sure my therapist doesn't like me and thinks I'm a failure. And recently was forced into giving my dog away due to homelessness. No support, No hope. Everyything I touch turns to shit. Everyone I've ever let in even a tiny bit has left or died. My mind is a prison of horrifying past experiences and bars of guilt and shame are impossible to break free of. Nightmares, triggers, pain, lonliness, heartache, symptoms, medications, self hate, stigma, addiction: I got plenty.
Hope, love, joy, kindness, compassion, friends, support, relief, purpose, recovery, progress, belonging, healing: I got nada-nothing. I am unlovable and unwanted. I'm tired of doing this all alone. I need to escape. I feel that death will set me free. I'll be caged no longer.

I tried doing the texting suicide hotline thing and they are nice and all but it was the same stuff I always hear. You matter to me or to someone. Things will get better. You have a purpose. You wont feel like this forever. But it doesn't change don't get better and I do always feel this way...that being said does anyone here have any other experiences or words they would be willing to share when they have been faced with struggle between living and wanting to die? Is there anything that actually helps? Does anything ever get bettervwhen you live with Mental Illness? It just doesn't seem worth it at all and it keeps getting louder, the voice of deaths beckoning call.

#suicidal thoughts #self harm #empty #lonely #unwanted #Unlovable #CPTSD #BipolarDisorder



why whenever I need someone, is there’s no one around. I always try to keep everyone happy, checking in on everyone, but still nothing is enough. nothing is enough to make any care😭😭 #alone #Unlovable #unwanted

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Depression - Unlovable?

Does depression ever go away...... why do I constantly feel sad and heavy and worthless..... I feel like nobody will ever be able to love me because nobody would want to stay by somebody who gets so sad so often

#Depression #sad #tired #Unlovable


just to feel you in...

I'm Stephen I'm 30 I was born with cerebral palsy and was teased alot for it. grownin up I saw my mom get beat from her lovers a dad who was addicted to drugs I have never been in a relationship with a woman bc iam seen as a monster and the only one I thought I had was just going out with me for a bet but all that never stopped me I got my license but no car I got a job that I'm losing it seems just like I finally got things going it all goes away I have anxiety and depression just a loss soul trying to find a purpose #losssoul #Disability #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Unlovable