Hi, I'm new here. I've had harm ocd for a few years. It comes and goes throughout the year. That's the only reason I haven't completely lost it. Because I know that it doesn't last forever. Maybe 2 months. Then it goes away and feel "normal" again. Until a trigger happens. Which is usually if I see on the news or on my phone that a mother has killed her children. Then I start thinking "what if I do that?" I have 3 kids. They are grown but 2 of the 3 still live at home while going to college. I adore them and we are all super close. So when I have these feelings, it makes me physically sick. And have intense guilt. I could never EVER tell them about these intrusive thoughts because they would be afraid of me!! And that breaks my heart. So I have all of these thoughts and emotions raging inside of me constantly; the thought of harming them, followed by disgust for feeling that way, followed by extreme guilt, followed by depression for feeling that way, followed by extreme panic because having all these thoughts makes me think I must be crazy. So I do what I can to get my mind off of it. And I feel ok for a minute. Until my daughters walk in the room or I just think about them. And it starts all over again. I can't stand it. And I feel SO effing alone because I cannot tell them how I'm feeling. It's like my own private hell that I live in until it subsides....