Toxicpositivity

For the past, as of the 13th, I'll have been working for a company that is at the moment getting too big for it's britches. I applied for a stylist position, with the "promise" of apprenticeship by January this year. I will refrain from using the name of the company I work for until Thursday for anonymity. I was left out of the mentoship/ apprenticeship program due to a clerical error on the company's part in a mass email sent to all salon assistants. I have a compromised immune system, ibs and ehlers-danlos in terms of physical disabilities and I will say that both stylists and management at my current job have nearly actively discriminated me because of these not to mention PTSD, and schizoaffective. Toxic positivity and unfortunately not much is ever said about this fact but in the beauty industry unless you're a woman or a white, straight man you will be paid less and deal with discrimination. I have never wanted to go to the worst job I've ever had more than working here and that job was working for a state agency. Harassment, hostile work environment, and too many triggers for someone is only recently going through trauma therapy, not to mention familial bonds that are forever changed because of certain parties habits, temperaments, and ability to inflict trauma. I've dealt with a range from alcoholism to being berated at to being low key emotional harassment complaint, in front of two managers who did nothing and said nothing in the past 10 months not to mention being downright ignored. I somehow wranglef my husband to come work at the same location ad me in another department "housekeeping" they have a fancier term for it but I won't use it for fear someone will know what salon and spa I'm talking about. He's been deemed racist by a 20 year old twig who would rather hide in a corner than do any job, and yes she is African American, however I must stress that my husband's best friends growing up were black. He doesn't see skin color or race. He literally didn't see this young woman hiding in a dark corner and she cried racist because of that. And management took her word over his in an instant. Again toxic positivity and toxic stress. We have of course found jobs in places that are much more positive along with not having to drive over 1,000 miles a week just to commute to work and home. So, to put in a nutshell for our mental health and our livelihood we will be working our last shift Thursday at the current employer and will be going to better things that will bring with it; finally, an emotional service dog for me who we're going to name Jeannie and finally furnishing a house we have been living in since December. We are so excited to finally be in happier places and environments along with knowing either people or clientele. This transition however has come at a cost, I am losing my dream of being in a high end salon, but at what price do you pay for mental health safety?? I'm certainly willing to do whatever it takes at this point. #MentalHealth #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #PTSD #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #Alcoholism #Toxicpositivity

#Toxicpositivity #desperateforhelp

Struggling with mental health while living under adverse conditions right now feel like being a turtle who is forced to live in a cardboard shoe box.

I've got some nice things with me -- maybe a seashell, some pebbles, the food and water that I need. In time, manage to arrange the trinkets around me in satisfactory way, but eventually, the box is always shaken, and everything inside is left in a disorderly array, including me.

I used to be able to put everything back as I wanted it again in short order, but inevitably, the box gets shaken again. The seashell cracks and gets fragmented. The pebbles are worn and less lustrous than before. Even my own shell is showing wear from all the jostling.

I lose interest in arranging the shoebox I live in any more. I am tired of being shaken and having everything I've worked so hard to arrange be upended again. Even being moved into a new, "better" shoebox doesn't help. I know that one will get shaken eventually too.

What I am trying to describe here is what it's like to try to put together an affirming way-of-life while living in a place that is totally unsuited for me to do so and which I am unable to escape. For me, specifically, this means living in China in COVID-19 times. Even a change of situation like moving to a newer, nicer apartment (the shoebox) does not address the actual source of the problem: That the things I need to thrive are not to be found here.

But for other people, this can mean living through a school, work, family, relational, or financial situation that is similarly unsuited for their health and growth.

People should not be expected to be able to endlessly adapt to anything and everything. An unwillingness to "find the silver lining" is not a personal or moral failing. #Toxicpositivity

We should support each other in endeavoring to find what truly suits us and reaching for it.

I am still mulling over the Zoom vigil for George Floyd last night that I attended.

One Black woman recalled her experience with a hostile White female officer on I-35 on the Oklahoma-Texas line. She was a college student attending a Christian college at the time and had just dropped her father off at church. A police vehicle began menacingly tailgating her and when she pulled herself over, the racial slurs and berating began, with two more White officers also pulling over and overseeing and apparently approving the encounter. It was horrific the things needlessly said and done to her. The White officers' taking out their angst of unknown origin on a random Black driver struck me as gross and pathetic.

When this Black woman returned to her dormitory that night, her three White roommates noticed her distress. She told them what had happened. Their response?

"She (the officer) must have been having a bad day; that's why she acted that way."

Putting a positive spin on someone's story in such a way that lets the perpetrator off the hook is a form of toxic positivity.

At its root, toxic positivity is a self-soothing mechanism, NOT a co-soothing mechanism, used for calming one's own discomfort when confronted with stressful information or information incongruent with one's experience.

These White girls, for example, may not want to believe that an officer could be so nasty, racist, and violent, and use positivity to reinforce their belief.

Outside of social justice crises, I also see toxic positivity on a nearly daily basis when people would rather downplay the negative aspects of their relationships, communities, culture, or life situation by saying "Best to remain humorous. What can you do? It could always be worse."

(Don't get me wrong: Humor can be an amazing tool for change, but if not paired with an ability to address the issue, it can be undermining.)

Back in April whenAfrican expats in Guangzhou, China were dispelled from their homes and left to sleep on streets, one Indian friend attempted to minimize any mention of the incidences, saying "It happens everywhere." In Italy, where she now resides, she said, she gets snide looks from the locals. Rather than holding China accountable for its hatred, she would rather equate her uncomfortable supermarket experiences with being forcibly evicted, neutralizing the weight of the injustice.

Toxic positivity comes from an inability to contain discomfort and confront inequality. People who over-rely on positivity are often unable to advocate their rights, boundaries, and interest or those of their dependents.

The antidote to toxic positivity is active listening. Active listening is the act of unconditionally endorsing another's point of view so as to truly hear them. The result is validation for the speaker and understanding for the listener.

Silence is violence. Let's learn to radically listen.