herewegoagain

I saw the doctor today. Just as I had suspected- anxiety takes the blame, and my ankle swelling gets pushed to the side.

I’ve got blood tests and another ECG in a few weeks, but I already know how that’s going to go. I had both only 7 months ago, and they came back normal.

The ECG is over half a minute or so in the morning. I don’t get my episodes in the morning, so that’ll no doubt be normal. I do ECG’s on my watch and I don’t have AF, so I already know that.

———

I normally accept what the doctor says. But for this I just can’t. And I’m tired and frustrated.

Anxiety isn’t getting ready to go to sleep at 2am having relaxed for hours before, and then suddenly having chest pain which is only relieved by lying down.

Anxiety isn’t palpitations right in the middle of something calming.

Anxiety isn’t shaking at nighttime when I’m simply moving my muscles.

Anxiety isn’t swollen ankles.

I’ve had anxiety for over 10 years. I get all those when I am actually anxious and my mind is racing, not when I’m relaxing. And my breathing techniques work with anxiety, they don’t with this.

But who am I to tell a medical professional that it’s not just anxiety? It’s the most logical explanation, given I have 0 risk factors for any cardiac problems and every test comes back fine.

I suppose I’ll go for the blood test and ECG and then it’ll come back clear, I wait a few months and then this all happens again. Though next time, I don’t think I’ll bother doing anything about it. It’s a waste of time and money.

#ChestPain #frustrated #Doctors #Anxiety #tired #fedup #BloodTests #MentalHealth #herewegoagain #Swelling #Tremor #shaking #palpitations

I'm so tired of having to apologize when I don't feel like I did anything. And I'm tired of ALWAYS being the one to keep in touch. But I'm afraid to say that to them because my fear of abandonment.

My Hope's are once again dashed. Fobbed off with, "there's really no need to diagnose you, let's just work through your thoughts". Hmm well that's what I've been spending thousands of £ and hours doing for the last 4 years and I'm still no further forward so no thanks! Don't get me wrong, I try but it doesn't go anywhere, I don't want to be rude so I plod on agreeing and complying. Until I reach this point where I'm so angry I want to scream and say please someone just listen to me!! I'm not ok! I feel so different to everyone else, I struggle to relate, to bond, to connect, it's all just surface level to appear "normal". It's empty and awful, people wall away, people avoid me as they don't understand me and I am left here with a sense of shame, like I'm a bad person when in fact I'd never intentionally hurt someone and you don't realise I keep you at arms length for your own good. Because I don't know how to connect, to open up, to be who you need me to be.
Another let down of avoiding diagnosing me and professionals telling me how I feel because I'm articulate, look normal and appear to function.

#Diagnosis #MentalHealth #lonely #Shame #mentalhealthservices #alienation #herewegoagain

I want to die is the only word that drift threw my mind, as I ach of numbness, sadness, worthlessness, stomach knots and a ball in my throat. Is it my fault I'm going crazy or is it just my mind, I feel useless I feel unwanted and I feel as if everyone would be better without me, but yet I'm still hear because the other side of me knows that this is all in my head and every breath I take is as important as my last. So why, why is it so easy to think I dont want to be here over the pros of life, it's not because I want to die, it's because I want the pain to end I dont want to feel lifeless, tired, and worthless anymore. These meds only do so much you know, my doctor telling me to call as soon as I have a bad day because she thinks upping the dose will help. I hate taking medication, I hate needing to depend on something so small to keep me from thinking the unthinkable, ohh and dont get me started on the anxiety! waves of overthought thoughts run threw my mind and the mix of the both is like a battle between my sub concious twins how can you care so much yet care so little to nothing at the same time. I'm quiet because every word I speak I feel like I am not heard or it just doesnt matter, I'm tired of feeling like the whole world is on top of me crushing my chest making it tighter and tighter, until I have a panic attack and feel like passing out. I get told my life is easy and theres nothing to be upset about, and I know this! You walk in my steps for 6 months and tell me you dont feel like your going insane or want to rip your hair out because your so fed up with all the thoughts and emotionless feelings, being quiet and breaking on the inside while my demons eat away at every little bit of life I have left! I dont want to feel this way anymore, I have a life I want to live but I feel attached to chains I cant free myself from even on the days I'm so called free I'm still attached to a ball I half to drag behind me with the reminder them chains are still attached and I'm not going very far. How can you love yourself when you hate yourself so much! I'm drifting into the pain I suffer from enough, its numb yet I have a tiny butterfly of emotion fluttering away inside my stomach, but its just my anxiety. I think to myself I am strong yet my demands fight back and tell me how worthless I am!
I want to die, but my life is worth living, not wanting to feel the pain is a dream, yet reality burns a hole into my happiness once its here to long
#Depression #Anxiety #spirling #Falling #numb #herewegoagain