Tremor

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The Book That Shouldn’t Be There

He noticed the book because it did not belong, though at first he could not explain why that mattered. The room itself felt ordinary enough, the kind of quiet that settles into walls after years of repetition. The lamp cast a low, steady glow. The glass of water sat untouched. The blanket rested heavier than usual, pulled just a little too high, as if some instinct had already decided to create distance between him and the rest of the room. Nothing about the space should have unsettled him, and yet the moment his eyes landed on the object in his hands, something inside him tightened without permission.

He did not remember picking it up. That was the first fracture.

The cover was simple, almost deliberately unremarkable, offering no clues, no ownership, no history. No name written inside, no worn edges, no memory attached to it. It existed in his hands without a past, and that absence pressed against him harder than any explanation could have. He tried to retrace his steps, to locate the moment it entered the room, but his mind slid around it like there was nothing there to hold onto.

He opened it, less out of curiosity and more out of a need to anchor it to something real.

The first page offered nothing.

The next page did.

It did not greet him. It did not introduce itself. It simply began, describing a man seated exactly where he was, holding something he could not account for, noticing the same details in the same order, as if the page had been watching him long before he ever looked down. His eyes moved across the lines slowly at first, then faster, then slower again, trying to catch the moment where coincidence would break and reveal itself as a trick.

It never did.

The language did not feel written. It felt observed. Each sentence carried the quiet confidence of something that did not need to guess. It described the room not as a setting, but as a fixed point, mapping the placement of objects with a precision that felt invasive. The lamp was not simply on; it leaned slightly to the left, casting a shadow that cut across the wall at an angle he had stopped noticing years ago. The glass was not just there; it held a thin line of condensation that had already begun to dry. Even the way his fingers pressed into the surface of the cover was described, down to the slight tremor that had not yet reached his awareness until he saw it reflected back at him.

His breathing shifted, shallow without instruction. He did not realize it until the page told him he had.

He stopped reading for a moment and looked up, letting his eyes move through the room the way he would when checking for something out of place. The space held still, but not in the way it should. It felt held, like a pause stretched too far. He scanned from left to right, not hearing anything, not seeing anything that could justify the tension that had begun to settle under his skin, and yet the act of looking itself felt different, sharper, as if his vision had been pulled forward, forced to work harder than usual.

When he looked back down, the text had moved ahead of him.

It no longer described what he had just done. It described what he was about to notice.

There was a mention of a disturbance at the edge of his field of vision, something that did not belong to the objects in the room, something too subtle to register unless attention had already been directed toward it. He read the line once, and before he could question it, his eyes shifted without permission.

A shape near the wall did not hold.

It did not move in any clear, defined way, but it refused to stay where it should. It bent slightly inward, as if the surface behind it had depth, as if the shadow itself had somewhere to go. He held his gaze there longer than he wanted to, waiting for it to resolve back into something familiar, something explainable.

It did not.

He returned to the page with a growing awareness that the act of reading was no longer passive. The text anticipated him, guided him, shaped the direction of his attention before he had the chance to decide where to look. It described the delay between recognition and denial, the exact moment his mind would try to soften what it was seeing, to reinterpret it as lighting, as fatigue, as anything that would allow the room to remain intact.

That delay vanished the moment he became aware of it.

Now every shift in the room arrived already named.

There was mention of movement behind him, not large, not dramatic, but present, something that existed just outside direct view. The kind of presence that could be dismissed if ignored, but could not be undone once acknowledged. He resisted turning at first, holding himself still, trying to maintain control over what he allowed into focus, but the pressure of not looking grew heavier than the risk of seeing.

He turned.

Nothing stood there in a way that could be clearly identified, yet the space no longer felt empty. The air itself seemed occupied, thickened, as if something had learned how to exist without form and no longer needed to hide inside it. His eyes searched for edges, for outlines, for anything that would confirm shape, but what he found instead were interruptions, slight distortions where the background failed to remain consistent.

When he looked back down, the text had already accounted for his hesitation, his refusal, his eventual surrender to the need to verify.

It described the realization beginning to form, not as a sudden understanding, but as a slow rearrangement of perception. The room was not changing. His access to it was. The page suggested that what he was experiencing was not an invasion, but an adjustment, a shift away from relying on assumptions that no longer held.

He swallowed hard, the motion feeling louder than it should.

His hands tightened around the book, grounding himself in the one thing that still felt solid, even as it proved itself to be the least trustworthy element in the room.

He tried to close it.

There was no resistance, no force holding it open, yet the action did not complete. His fingers moved, but the object remained as it was, the pages still exposed, still offering, still guiding. He attempted to release it entirely, to let it fall, but the signal from his mind did not reach his hands in the way it should. There was no pain, no paralysis, just a quiet interruption in control, as if that part of the process had been removed.

The next section of text did not describe the room.

It described perception itself.

It laid out the difference between what is seen and what is understood, between the illusion of completeness and the reality of limitation. It suggested that what he had always trusted as a full picture was only ever partial, filtered, simplified, reduced to something manageable. It implied that the structures he depended on to interpret the world had been guiding him away from something that had always been there, waiting just outside the boundaries of what he had learned to recognize.

His eyes lifted again, slower this time, less resistant.

The room responded differently now.

Not louder, not clearer, but fuller. Movement did not announce itself through sound or sudden motion, but through shifts in space, through the way one form interrupted another, through the subtle, layered changes that only made sense when he stopped expecting them to behave in familiar ways. The distortions he had noticed before no longer felt like anomalies. They felt consistent, structured, almost deliberate.

Something passed through the edge of his vision and did not vanish when he tried to focus on it.

It remained.

Not fully visible, not completely defined, but undeniably present, occupying space in a way that could no longer be ignored or explained away. Another followed, then another, each one emerging not with force, but with permission, as if they had been waiting for the moment his perception would shift enough t

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I’m New Here

Just got the app, hoping to meet other chronically ill people going through similar experiences.

I suffer from chronic pain and chronic fatigue and have a tremor but have still not been diagnosed. It’s difficult balancing uni alongside my illness as well as my disability being “hidden”.

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The Thief: What CRPS Stole From Me

The world used to be in color. Vibrant, rich hues painted every day — the cerulean sky, the emerald leaves, the fiery sunsets I’d chase with a camera in hand. Now, it’s mostly gray, washed out by a relentless, invisible fire. They call it CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, but I call it the thief. It stole my life, my independence, and a piece of my soul I may never get back.

It started after a minor surgery. I brushed it off, chalked it up to normal post-op pain. Then the pain sharpened, twisting into something unrecognizable. It wasn’t just a hurt; it was a screaming inferno that refused to be extinguished. My skin became a live wire — every touch, every breeze, a jolt of agony. My hand, the one that used to deftly wield tools and sketch dreams, swelled and changed color — a monstrous parody of what it once was.

The doctors tried, but the glazed-over eyes, the hushed tones of “rare” and “complex” — they spoke volumes. It felt like I was speaking a foreign language, trying to describe a sunrise to someone who had only ever known perpetual night. How do you explain that your own body has turned against you — that the very nerves designed to protect you are now your torturers?

The hardest part, harder even than the torment itself, is the isolation. Friends, once so close, drifted away. Their initial sympathy gave way to awkward silences, then eventually, nothing at all. “You don’t look sick,” they’d say — a phrase that felt like a punch to the gut. How could I make them see the lightning bolts shooting through my veins, the icy grip that sometimes seizes my limbs, the constant tremor that makes holding a cup a Herculean task? I stopped trying to explain. It was easier to just retreat, to curl up in my own private hell where at least I didn’t have to witness their discomfort or their pity.

I used to be proud. Independent. Self-sufficient. The one everyone came to for help. Now, I’m the one who needs help to open a jar, to button a shirt, sometimes even to just stand. The humiliation is a constant companion, a burning shame that rivals the pain. Asking for help feels like tearing off a piece of my dignity, exposing a raw wound. Begging — even subtly — for understanding or patience is a soul-crushing exercise. I see the flicker of impatience in their eyes, the subtle shift in their posture, and I know they don’t get it. They can’t.

Sleep is a fleeting whisper, a brief reprieve before the flames rekindle. The nights are long and lonely, filled with the echo of my own cries and the terrifying realization that this might be my forever. There are moments — dark moments — when the sheer weight of it all threatens to crush me entirely. The relentless pain, the crushing loneliness, the constant battle to simply exist.

And sometimes, more than anything, I just want to close my eyes and dissolve into the quiet abyss.

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"I Am Not an Introvert. My Brain Just Works Differently."

A First-Person Account of Auditory Static, Cultural Codes, and Rewiring My Neurodivergent Mind

1. The Paradox of Perfect Hearing

My ears are medically flawless. But when you speak, your words often dissolve into static. I’ll ask you to repeat yourself, and seconds later, the sentence snaps into focus. This isn’t a hearing problem—it’s auditory processing disorder (APD), a neurological quirk where my brain struggles to prioritize speech over background noise.

Neurotypical brains filter out irrelevant sounds instinctively—a survival skill honed to track predators or allies. My brain treats all noise equally: your voice, a ticking clock, the buzz of fluorescent lights. In gatherings, this means cognitive overload. But in quiet spaces, it sharpens my ability to detect tonal shifts others miss. A tremor in your voice, a pause a millisecond too long—these are my subtitles.

2. Proverbs vs. Precision: A Cultural Minefield

In Botswana, communication thrives on indirectness. Setswana proverbs like “Mabogo dinku a thebana” (“Sheep’s hands are siblings”) are social currency. To my autistic brain growing up, they felt like riddles without answers.

Growing up, I memorized laughter instead of meanings. I nodded when others nodded, scripting reactions like an actor with a bad script. But at home, I dissected books and films, reverse-engineering social rules. Matilda taught me when to smile. Pride and Prejudice taught me sarcasm. Real life? That was advanced mathematics.

My literalism wasn’t ignorance—it was hyperfocus on clarity. While others danced around metaphors, I demanded: “What does this mean literally?”

3. The Unmasking Equation

For years, I was a “good girl”—polite, rule-bound, hyperverbal. By 26, the mask cracked. Burnout isn’t laziness; it’s neurological debt.

Mimicking social cues drained my prefrontal cortex, a region neurotypicals automate. Every smile, every nod, was a manual override. Quitting my job wasn’t defeat—it was recalibration. I stopped forcing eye contact, let myself stim (sucking my tongue, humming), and prioritized sensory needs over social expectations.

Psychologist Devon Price calls masking “social survival with a body count.” For me, unmasking was liberation.

4. Sensory Revolt: My Body’s Audit

Unmasking unearthed suppressed sensitivities:

Crunch = Calm: Slimy foods (like okra) trigger gag reflexes. Crunchy veggies (carrots, apples) ground me. Science calls it “proprioceptive input.” I call it lunch.

Touch Boundaries: Hugs feel like invasions unless I initiate them. A weighted blanket? That’s 15 pounds of safety.

Pain Paradox: I pulled out a chunk of my hair once, whilst playing with it and felt no pain, but I recoil from a light touch. My nerves aren’t broken—they’re overclocked.

5. The Neurodivergent Advantage

Autism isn’t a flaw—it’s a cognitive specialization.

Hyperfocus: I dissected social interactions like lab experiments, memorizing scripts faster than others learned small talk.

Honesty as Innovation: Rejecting proverbs forced others to clarify. This became a superpower.

Pattern Recognition: Spotting hypocrisy in inconsistent rules? Easy.

Gladwell’s David and Goliath argues “disadvantages” can be strengths. My brain proves it.

Rewiring “Normal”

I don’t need fixing. The world needs updating.

Captions, sensory-safe spaces, and written instructions aren’t charity—they’re ROI.

“Normal” is a setting. My brain is on manual.

By SKL.

Auditory static translator. Recovering people-pleaser. Autistic.

No metaphors. No fiction. Just my truth.

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I'm new here!

Hello from keepfngoing2025.I was diagnosed with Parkinson's, in 2018, at the age of 52. To say we were shocked is an understatement. The journey is not easy. Every day is a challenge. Through blogging, cohosting a podcast, and developing a mentoring program for the newly diagnosed, I realize that I have a voice.

My goal is to help those struggling following their diagnosis. My blog www.keepfngoing.com chronicles my journey with moments that inspire laughter and joy to those that evoke deep reflection and sadness. The blog is not just a collection of thoughts; it is an unfiltered, raw reflection of my personal journey living with Parkinson's.

Also, I am a 34-year public relations' veteran, now retired, yet would love to offer content andf my perspective on everything from what happens the minute you walk out of the doctor's office to ensuring that people understand that Parkinson's is more than a tremor.

Let's chat.

#MightyTogether

Keep F'n Going | living with parkinson's

A funny, irreverant, and unfiltered reflection about my journey living with Parkinson's.
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The Spiral's Edge- Poem book on Mental Illness and disabilities

This poem appears in my poetry collection The Spiral's Edge, a book inspired by life as a special education teacher and father navigating mental health, Students/ adults withspecial needs, and love. May you find meaning and connection

www.amazon.com/Spirals-Edge-Michael-Boss/dp/1966196199/ref=sr_1_1

The Spectrum Speaks

The world pulses in frequencies I cannot always decode—

a symphony of sounds cascading like water over stone.

I grasp the meaning, but it dissipates like mist, a melody

fading before it lands.

Your face is an ever-changing puzzle. Its edges are elusive,

and it comprises pieces that refuse to fit.

Your emotions drift like clouds, patterns I can't always read.

Not from indifference but because my mind constructs a

language foreign to you.

Please do not mistake my quiet for absence or my stillness for

peace.

Sometimes, the lights carve too sharp and sounds pierce the

air, pressing the atmosphere inward, tightening its hold.

My body curls into itself—a refuge against the storm.

When everything collides at once, I cling to consistency,

routes mapped through chaos, paths etched in the flood.

What you call "rigid," I call survival.

When structure falters, I retreat inward into a world I can

shape. Daydreams build my sanctuary

where thoughts craft companions who demand nothing in

return.

I drift—not to escape, but to steady myself in the whirlwind of

existence.

While you read emotions at a glance, I study the unnoticed—

the way light catches a thread, the subtle tremor of a hand. I

see the world differently but no less vividly.

Yes, I carry storms, their energy spilling over.

Yes, my resting mind does not rest like yours—its fires never

genuinely dim.

But even in this, there is meaning.---There is me.

Please do not teach me to think like you, move like you, or

fold me into your world's shape.

What if the world bent, just a little, to hold my shape instead?

I stand unbroken; I am a variation of the infinite— a different

star in the same vast sky;

My light is valid, and my orbit is actual.

The hallmark of a society is not its ability to correct but its

I would be willing to include.

Please do not pity me.

See me.

I am here—

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Medication Explained: Substance Abuse 💊 #BipolarDisorder

Addiction is a horrible disease. What starts out as fun and increased dopamine release in the ventral striatum with enhanced anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) activity and reward ends up with the locus of control in the habit circuit as a mindless, automatic, and powerful compulsive drive to obtain drugs that is basically irresistible. Since it is not presently known what treatment mechanisms might suppress the wicked habit circuit that has commandeered behavioral control in the addict, treatments for addiction are few and far between and often not very effective. What is needed are treatments capable of wresting control back from the habit circuit and returning it to voluntary control, perhaps by neuroplasticity reverse-migrating control from dorsal back to ventral, where things began before addiction was present.

Once addicted, the brain is no longer rewarded principally by the drug itself, but as well by anticipation of the drug and its reward. This generates compulsive drug-seeking behaviors which are themselves rewarding.

That is, some studies suggest that dopamine neurons terminating in the ventral striatum actually stop responding to the primary reinforcer (i.e., taking the drug, eating the food, doing the gambling) and instead dopamine neurons terminating in the dorsal striatum begin to respond to the conditioned stimuli (i.e., handling the heroin syringe, feeling the crack pipe in your hand, entering the casino) before the drug is even taken! Since drug seeking and drug taking become the main motivational drives when addicted, this explains why the addicted subject is aroused and motivated when seeking to procure drugs, but is withdrawn and apathetic when exposed to non-drug-related activities. When drug abuse reaches this stage of compulsivity, it is clearly a maladaptive perseveration of behavior - a habit and a Pavlovian conditioned response, and not any longer being simply naughty or giving in to temptation.

Stimulants as therapeutic agents have been used in the treatment of ADHD. For optimised treatment of ADHD, stimulant dosing is carefully controlled to deliver constant drug leveis within a defined therapeutic range. Theoretically, this amplifies tonic release of dopamine to optimise pro-cognitive ADHD therapeutic effects. On the other hand, these very same stimulants can also be used as drugs of abuse by changing the dose and the route of administration to amplify phasic dopamine stimulation and thus their reinforcing effects. Although therapeutic actions of stimulants are thought to be directed at the prefrontal cortex to enhance both norepinephrine and dopamine neurotransmission there, at moderate levels of dopamine transporter (DAT) and norepinephrine transporter (NET) occupancy, the reinforcing effects and abuse of stimulants occur when DATs in the mesolimbic reward circuit are suddenly blasted and massively blocked.

The speed with which a stimulant enters the brain dictates the degree of the subjective "high". This sensitivity of the DAT to the way in which it is engaged likely explains why stimulants when abused are often not ingested orally but instead are smoked, inhaled, snorted, or injected so they can enter the brain in a sudden explosive manner, to maximize their reinforcing nature. Oral absorption reduces reinforcing properties of stimulants because speed of entry to the brain is considerably slowed by the process of gastrointestinal absorption. Cocaine is not even active orally so users have learned over the years to take it intranasally so that drug rapidly enters the brain directly, bypassing the liver, and thus can have a more rapid onset than even with intravenous administration. The most rapid and robust way to deliver drugs to the brain is to smoke those that are compatible with this route of administration, as this avoids first-pass metabolism through the liver and is somewhat akin to giving the drug by intra-arterial/intra-carotid bolus via immediate absorption across the massive surface area of the lung.

The faster the drug's entry into brain, the stronger are its reinforcing effects, probably because this form of drug delivery triggers phasic dopamine firing, the type associated with reward.

Amphetamine, methamphetamine, and cocaine are all inhibitors of the DAT and the NET. Cocaine also inhibits the serotonin transporter (SERT) and is also a local anesthetic, which Freud himself exploited to help dull the pain of his tongue cancer. He may have also exploited the second property of the drug, which is to produce euphoria, reduce fatigue, and create a sense of mental acuity due to inhibition of dopamine reuptake at the DAI, at least for a while, until drug-induced reward is replaced by drug-induced compulsivity.

High doses of stimulants can cause tremor, emotional lability, restlessness, irritability, panic, and repetitive, stereotyped behavior. At even higher repetitive doses, stimulants can induce paranoia and hallucinations resembling schizophrenia as well as hypertension, tachycardia, ventricular irritability, hyperthermia, and respiratory depression. In overdose, stimulants can cause acute heart failure, stroke, and seizures. Over time, stimulant abuse can be progressive. Initial doses of stimulants that cause pleasurable phasic dopamine firing give leave to reward conditioning and addiction with chronic use, causing craving between stimulant doses and residual tonic dopamine firing with a lack of pleasurable phasic dopamine firing. Now addicted, higher and higher doses of stimulants are needed in order to achieve the pleasurable highs of phasic dopamine firing.

Unfortunately, the higher the high, the lower the low, and between stimulant doses, the individual experiences not only the absence of a high, but also withdrawal symptoms such as sleepiness and anhedonia. The effort to combat withdrawal coupled with habit formation leads to compulsive use and ultimately dangerous behavior in order to secure drug supplies. Finally, there may be enduring if not irreversible changes in dopamine neurons, including long-lasting depletions of dopamine levels and axonal degeneration, a state that clinically and pathologically is appropriately called "burn-out”.
#MentalHealth #MightyTogether

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some shocking facts on long-covid that aren't widely talked about

-Nearly four years after the first cases of an unusual pneumonia appeared in Wuhan in December 2019, nearly 7 million people have lost their lives due to covid, and some 65 million more continue to struggle with the infection’s mystery aftermath, a poorly understood syndrome known as long covid

- Dr. Jamie explains that covid is now labeled by health professionals as an autoimmune-inducing virus, along with Epstein barr and herpes type 6.

-The National Institute Of Health performed autopsies on more than 44 persons who died from COVID-19 and it was shown that these people not only had COVID-19 in their airways but all throughout their bodies. The samples revealed COVID-19 in almost every organ and organ system of their bodies, including their skin, eyes, stomachs, muscle, fat, glands, and even in six different parts of their brains. These details and reports are a key indicator of how COVID is not simply a respiratory disease, but rather it can affect all the inner creases and crevices of every muscle group.

-The insufficient awareness and understanding of long covid, both within the medical community and among the general public, pose many significant challenges for individuals experiencing persistent symptoms after contracting covid. Many people suffering from long covid told their stories in a buzzfeed article, and some of them left me shocked. A notable case was a 48 year old female named Heidi Farner, who caught an asymptomatic case of covid, and weeks later she developed a parkinson like hand tremor. This hand tremor went on and greatly affected her ability to sleep. Her symptoms were pushed aside and she was denied a diagnosis by doctors time and time again. It was noted that she told her husband things would never get better, and no one will listen, and she ended up taking her own life after a 13-month battle with long covid.

-Covid itself changes basically the entire makeup of your cells, ranging from cells in your esophagus, to your intestines to your skin. This can cause detrimental and long term damage that cannot be easily reversed.

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Just three words

Three words that's all it took, three. And truth is they keep changing:
I am sorry
I am sorry for the sounds, that continue to disrupt your afternoon. I am sorry for the screams you may hear when I'm locked into a spasm. I am sorry for the grimace, it's not you, I swear. For my arm locking up, or outrageously moving from a tremor. And now it's become almost a ritual at this point, half-way through a grocery run I can feel my body do a jig with the cart. All the while lying point blank to my husband that I am fine. He sees the stressors, he knows I'm lying. But I hate that walk back, that feeling of defeat as I Igor-walk back out to the car. It's a wierd feeling of complete vulnerability of feeling like I arrived at school naked. And all I can see are people watching this wierd act of what once was an artist, a poet, a novelist. Well, I know they aren't really looking. And that I probably don't take up a miniscule of brain matter. But that anxiety is present all the time, everyday. Maybe I'm a narcissist.

I am sorry for that annoying scrape sound you might hear. That sound of shoe (or in my case slipper, cause sneakers can't easily slide) rubbing the asphalt of the parking lot. I promise, I hate it just as much as you do. It is the strangest feeling and extremely sobering to witness your self-decline. And since this has started I have slowly felt myself dwindle. The self I spent thirty-six years working on. What I once knew so well, completely altered and all I can do is watch/feel it happen. I am sorry for the bags under my eyes. I don't sleep through most nights. Something is always waking me up. Sometimes I will let the weight of my eyelids win and the sleep will fall over me like confetti or glitter. Sometimes I let the sleep win.

I feel guilty:
Three words that's all it took, I feel guilty for making my husband have to take so many extra steps just to meet me halfway. I feel guilty for tricking him, I am so different from when we first met. It's all been different since the symptoms started showing. But no matter when or where I am the soft assurance of his voice has never changed. He is continuously in my corner, fighting for me. I feel guilty for making my family worry, for getting angry at my mom because she refuses to believe. I can't blame her for pushing it to be something else, I'm her daughter. I feel guilty for causing my beautiful niece to hesitate in my presence. For exposing her to a spasm or tremor or an uncontrollable facial tic. I don't ever want to frighten or scare her.

I feel guilty for not taking advantage prior to this diagnosis. For not enjoying the smaller things as much. A good night of sleep, a walk, exercise, for when it came easier. There are so many other words I could use to describe this event, to describe the depression and confusion. But I'll use just three more right now:

I have Parkinson's.

#BipolarDepression #MentalHealth

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Today

Today I counted 101 distinct PTSD tremors before 9am (My personal best to date was 115). On tremor 101 I prayed to him to make it stop and I think he heard me. I'm now ready to face the day.#PTSD

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