hollow

Trigger warn: self harm
Trying to keep up, busy, so busy.
When night comes,the house is silent, then the monster comes out.
My psychiatrist thinks that I look for drama, I think, but who likes to feel like shit? Really? It's not a choice, I think.
I am not exercicing, eating sooooo much crap! Cutting a bit, here and there: pieces of nothing, very small scratches on my hands, because looks like kitchen accident.
I guess that is the very little control I have over my life.
My biological family calls me and calls me. They are so nice, but I get tired with all this "I love you", then I feel mean, just for thinking that it's a bit too much.
I don't feel it. I want to feel something for them, I really do. My biological mother, from heaven, must be shaking her head. How did I became this monster? They are all there, same town, living close to each other, and I'm here. Growing up like a rich kid, getting all, and nothing.
That connection was maybe a not so good idea. Because I feel like I have to give something in exchange, I have nothing, I'm hollow inside.
My adopted family... They are ok.
But I'm so hollow... Empty. Waiting for weekends to drink while watching a movie, not really getting drunk. Stuffing my face with sugar.
Hollow.
Nothing inside. Work, home, cook, clean, fold laundry, spend money, making more and more debts.
Hollow
#Selfharm , #Adoption , #Depression ,#Family . #emptness , #hollow , #Enuresis

here is a hollowness.
It hides in a person.
It eats at their soul.
It leaves them with
emptiness.
All alone.
It's isolating.
It festers.
It feeds on fear,
and sadness,
and hurt.
I recognise it.
It is inside of me.
I'm hollow.
There are no feelings.
I don't know that there ever were.
Just an empty space
living inside me.
That echoes.
That kills me -
slowly
#hollow
#Emptiness

I started to open up about something.
The next day someone very dear to me hurt me very badly, they cannot even accept that it was a miscommunication, they blacklisted me.
Now, my depression is worsening. I hurt. I want to cry, but as soon as I start to I get really really angry and shut it down.
I feel like I cannot trust anyone because if I say the wrong thing people will automatically turn their backs on me. Even after 8 years of always, always, having theirs.
I feel completely alone.
I am only writing this here because if I don't say it I know I won't. I don't expect any one to even care.
I want this year to end.
Hells, if I didn't want so badly to see my kids grow up to be happy adults, then I would actively want this planet to end.
I want things to stop eating away my dreams.
#Depression #lonely #PancreaticCancer #miscommunications #Emptiness #hollow #brokendreams

Living with #BPD feels #hollow as  #emptiness engulfs us. It occurred to me, that perhaps the #thousands of #bpds are living in a #Dream ., an #alteredreality .  If our#Reality ,is a #Dream then #others cannot be a part of it. Hence no #Understanding . Being alone in a #Dream . It's just that. An altered #r .eality. A #Dream  . No one can join another in their dreams.

“Hollow”

I hold my hands crossed to the window
Though there’s a hurricane outside
My book told me to bow
So I bow with stormy eyes

They said you could
Take away what I desire
Cuz it’s no good
Just puts out my fire

But don’t you know
As I cry to you
I drink your blood
Like it’s juice
Don’t you know
That I can’t quit?
There’s nothing else that helps me

Cuz these drugs
Burnt holes in my brain
They said I was fine
While they drove me insane
I reach for my
Last bottle
Hopping that it will drown
All my sorrows
But when I
Wake up tomorrow
I’m back to square one
Felling hollow

I get out of bed to meet some strangers
Because they’ve felt all my dangers
They’ve been better than me for days
Months and years

Run to my car fast as I can
Because my flask wasn’t in my hand
The truth is something I cannot stand
Where is my graceful man

He doesn’t know
As I cry to him
I drink his blood
Like it’s poison
Don’t you know
That I can’t quit?
There’s nothing else that can save me

Cuz these drugs
Burnt holes in my brain
They said I was fine
While they drove me insane
I reach for my
Last bottle
Hopping that it will drown
All my sorrows
But when I
Wake up tomorrow
I’m back to square one
Felling hollow

When I suck
My last drop
I pray for those
That I lost
Who am I talking to?
I don’t know
I just want it to stop
Feeling hollow

Cuz these drugs
Burnt holes in my brain
They said I was fine
While they drove me insane
I reach for my
Last bottle
Hopping that it will drown
All my sorrows
And if I don’t
Wake up tomorrow
It’s because I was as empty as my bottle
Hollow

Has anyone else ever had depression since childhood and felt like we didn't lose a personality because we hadn't had time to build one in the first place?

PS:
I'm new here, so forgive my overuse of hashtags or if some don't have complete correlation to the question. Thanks.

#ChildhoodDisorders #Depression #hollow #overthinking #overthinkingtodeath

#Anxiety #Hoplessness
I'm not sure where I'm at right now (emotionally)! I was only formally diagnosed with OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Anxiety and Depression about 6 months ago, but I've struggled with it as long as I can remember. I've been on 6 different medications and " That's been fun"! I'm on Prozac now which seems to be helping for certain things, but not so much for others. I've only met my Counselor once, And the only person who has any clue about what I go through is my husband and that's because after being together for 15 years, it's hard to hide from him! His Daughter is pregnant with her first child and even though they all call me GRANDMA. I struggle to find a "SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO"!
It doesn't feel like my life has any purpose. I'm just Killin time until the end!
#emty #hollow