Childhood Disorders

I look at my childhood home, & feel warmth in my heart knowing that’s where my grandpa is.
I feel nostalgic, memories of hitting the piñata on my birthdays.
Feel numb to the fact that it wasn’t all perfect.
Now it’s affecting my marriage… isn’t?
Or is it just me?
I don’t give af how that basement looks most times.
But it would be nice to have it feel like home.
For once.

How to make hell, home…

I feel like a stranger at someone’s house
It doesn’t feel real.

Doesn’t feel like I was “happy” in a while
I’m always tired
Always trying to find a distraction
Trying to find reasons to stay.
I hate it here

I’m tired of people congratulating me.
“You like your new place better?”
No, it’s killing me.
It’s a living nightmare.
It’s a scary movie.
And I’m the side character that gets killed,
In the end

I’m tired
I don’t want to do this anymore
As if I had a choice.
I have no say.
Never did.
Probably never will.
Never had control of anything in my life.
From my emotions, thoughts, and feelings, to where I want to live.
I’m so tired.

I can feel myself slipping again

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #Insomnia #MightyPoets #ChildhoodDisorders

I found out in my thirties that I suffer from dyscalulia which is a math dyslexia. It can effects one’s ability to drive, sense of direction (directional dysfunction), and memory ect. I have bad memories of me missing the bus because I couldn’t remember where I was parked at school. I would even forget the number of the bus. I felt so unintelligent. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. Now it’s like those feelings of sadness have reserfaced through the nationwide school bus shortage. This school year is my kiddos first time ever riding the bus. Before we relocated we lived within walking distance to their school and therefore walked. When we moved I was filled with so much anxiety about their first time riding a bus to school that I literally stayed up all night. I was exhausted when I woke them up to get ready for their first day at a brand new school. They were as nervous as I was and ended up vomiting in class. I was called by the school nurse to pick them up. I ended up hauling an Uber to do that. I know that people with disabilities are in fact able to learn to drive. I actually have my drivers license but I never use it. Since I have trouble with remembering my left and rights, which say to go to get home, and experienced a car accident which was my fault. I adopted a car-free lifestyle. Now, my husband drives but, he works two towns over. And while the kids are in school we are without a vehicle. I don’t know what to do because their school bus have been having numerous days when they aren’t providing transportation. I am new to the area therefore I have zero friends and I don’t know the new neighbors. Luckily today the school counselor will be picking my kids up today for school. But, they informed me that I will have to figure out how they will be getting to and from school when the bus isn’t running. I wish that I lived somewhere with transport options but we live in a small town. I hope to move to Chicago or San Francisco where transportation is plentiful. Please send me good vibes because I feel horrible for not being able to provide my kids rides to school or any after school activities that they are interested in like gymnastics or birthday 🎉 parties. #PTSD #ChildhoodDisorders

Dear Audrey,

This letter is a long time coming, a long time of struggle and success, of unrequited love and true love. Of discovery and longing and contempt. Of happiness and sadness. But you make it and will overcome all obstacles. And now all that's left is a letter between good friends.

Audrey, I wish I could have been there with you and guided you through it all. I wish I could have been your voice of reason and the hand that stopped you even before that morning dawned. I would have told you about all the wonderful things you are capable of and how many faces smile because of you. I would have shown you that you were not and are not alone. That the sadness subsides, always subsides and happiness is a closer friend. That the bullying wasn't forever and that life gets better. Life has a funny way of laughing when we're down, but we don't give in, we grab it by the scruff of its neck and scream. Because we are worth more.

Little Audrey, this letter comes to you during a strange time when you are experiencing new thoughts and feelings. Everything is twisted and on its head, you are hearing voices, but you can't let the voices win. That's the Bipolar talking and that is one nasty bitch. If it was up to it you'd be dead thinking that you spared your family a burden. When in actuality you would be breaking them.

So stay strong little Audrey, you are destined for great things and no sadness is permanent, no misery worth the power you give it. We are all in this together.

All our love,

Audrey

#Depression #SuicideAwareness #BipolarDepression #ChildhoodDisorders #Hope #Love

#Parenting #Motherhood #ChildhoodDisorders #MentalHealth #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #Love #recovering #Recovery