Understanding

At least do no harm

Hey, I’m new to this app. I am 23 and just recently diagnosed with Bpd. I am trying to meet people and have more people in my life that understand what I’m going through because right now no one in my life does. I hope to find a couple of people or even a group of people to stay in contact with through DMs and we can help each other and support one another! ❤️😊#Support #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Understanding

There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

What surprises me the most is:
I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

I'd never wanna go back to before.

A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

Thing is, there has been terror.
I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

Crying helps me too.
If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
I've been backfired.
* I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
So - I still can change and for the better.
There's and I have hope in it.

#Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

It is raining #antibodies to all of the viruses people have been plagued with here. People are reporting #ActOfKindness between strangers; even in traffic!! The #Disabled are being shown respect. It seems #Understanding that Disabled does not mean Unable is in the morning dew. Those living with Chronic Depression are receiving free access to the proven magnetic field therapies available but that only the wealthy and highest executive packages could afford before now. Wait, breaking news, the acts of kindness have spread into neighborhood businesses, pharmacies and grocery stores. So many shut in for medical and psych reasons are able to get their needs met now without begging strangers or paying $15-25 dollars more than their driving counterparts.
What Is Your Fantasy News Report?
Follow w/ yours if you want.

In My news, 12/2/22 I began with mean virus, immediately caught CoVID AGAIN, then Bronchitis & relapsed on that! All ONLY 3 weeks before MY neurosurgery through my NOSE=PAIN=FEAR!!!
Naturally I failed to dump a guy that I kept catching in stupid lies to me. My Complex-PTSD gave me a plump case of codependency & I wasn’t “actively living” my program!!. Turns out when I’m miserable, & in emotional flashbacks from childhood I get mean. We are broke up now. Seven (7) COVID’s did not land me a Partridge or a Pear Tree. Severe Long Covid did give me …get this one-Dysautonomia. AVOID. I could be depressed but I’m too numbed by fear & anxiety to know it. ***Let’s All Have Happiness whenever we Seek It‼️