Understanding

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    Throwback reflection

    There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
    Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

    What surprises me the most is:
    I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

    It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
    I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
    I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

    I'd never wanna go back to before.

    A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
    What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

    Thing is, there has been terror.
    I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

    I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
    Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

    Crying helps me too.
    If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
    Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
    To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
    It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

    Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
    Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

    Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

    But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
    Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
    I've been backfired.
    * I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

    I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
    And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
    And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
    So - I still can change and for the better.
    There's and I have hope in it.

    #Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

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    The Big News in Portland

    It is raining #antibodies to all of the viruses people have been plagued with here. People are reporting #ActOfKindness between strangers; even in traffic!! The #Disabled are being shown respect. It seems #Understanding that Disabled does not mean Unable is in the morning dew. Those living with Chronic Depression are receiving free access to the proven magnetic field therapies available but that only the wealthy and highest executive packages could afford before now. Wait, breaking news, the acts of kindness have spread into neighborhood businesses, pharmacies and grocery stores. So many shut in for medical and psych reasons are able to get their needs met now without begging strangers or paying $15-25 dollars more than their driving counterparts.
    What Is Your Fantasy News Report?
    Follow w/ yours if you want.

    In My news, 12/2/22 I began with mean virus, immediately caught CoVID AGAIN, then Bronchitis & relapsed on that! All ONLY 3 weeks before MY neurosurgery through my NOSE=PAIN=FEAR!!!
    Naturally I failed to dump a guy that I kept catching in stupid lies to me. My Complex-PTSD gave me a plump case of codependency & I wasn’t “actively living” my program!!. Turns out when I’m miserable, & in emotional flashbacks from childhood I get mean. We are broke up now. Seven (7) COVID’s did not land me a Partridge or a Pear Tree. Severe Long Covid did give me …get this one-Dysautonomia. AVOID. I could be depressed but I’m too numbed by fear & anxiety to know it. ***Let’s All Have Happiness whenever we Seek It‼️

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    Autistic people are often
    misunderstood. Throughout my life, I can recall times I’ve been painfully aware when other people didn’t like me for one reason or another. Knowing what I know now, I can’t help but wonder how many of those
    reasons were due to a lack of understanding…

    #AutismAwareness #Acceptance #Neurodiversity #navigatingneurodivergence #Masking #Trauma # unmasking #Understanding #patience #growth

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    Understanding

    I need understanding…I have a friend who keeps dumping all her difficulties my way. She keeps using me as a sounding board. She thinks this is a healthy way for her to deal with whatever is affecting her in her life..Somedays I have difficulty dealing with my own psychological baggage. I don’t need someone else’s. Then she keeps hashing out her expenses, her job, her perceptions on how others have “wronged” her..I’m like F’F’F’ please! Give me peace!! I know she’s #Needy #Understanding #PTSD #Depression , happens in varing degrees…Somedays the extrenuous, the perifipheral BS just more than annoys me.

    47 comments
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    The emotional pain of families disinterest.

    I find it deeply sad and soul destroying, that if I mention what I’m struggling with to my loved ones, the answer seems #yesweknow when wanting to share the rapid intensification of #symptoms of either #Bipolar or #BPD or #Depression etc…

    Please remember friends, find your tribe. The people who #Suffer and live with what you do. This is where the #Understanding and #Kindness you’re seeking will be found.
    I don’t believe anyone, no matter how much they love you, can even get a tiny glimpse of your #emotionalpain .
    Don’t blame,, find others who feel and understand and have similar #mentalillnesses .
    I hope this little nugget helps you in your #journey back to you.
    Bipolarlinedeb ♥️🌹🌹

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    Getting Somewhere through Understanding

    I can finally show myself some understanding. It has taken me years to realize that it wasn't my fault. I can finally understand why I people please-to protect myself. I now understand that it will take time to overcome a lot of my behaviors but I can now show myself understanding. I can show myself compassion and validate myself. Understanding myself has taught me to love myself more. I am not responsible for what happened to me and I can relieve myself of any guilt and shame. I now understand that I can be happy regardless of my past. #Trauma #PTSD #Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #Selflove #Understanding

    I can feel peace within for once and I no longer get upset at myself for getting triggered, I accept that I have triggers. And it's okay. Showing myself understanding and grace was something I wouldn't have done in the past but now things are different. I hope you all can find understanding, self love and inner peace too. You are stronger than you think. You are not your illness. #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder I am stronger than them. They are a part of me but I don't let them define me. I accept that they are there and I do my best to manage them but I don't dwell on them. I can finally say that things are looking up even when I'm depressed. I have my family and my faith and I am grateful. Find something to be grateful for and it will change your life.

    Keep shining friends. You are not alone. #peace #Healing

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    A rule I have been trying to live by.

    Always treat yourself the way you would treat other people. Would you tell someone else the same thing you're telling yourself? Would you beat up and criticize someone else the way you do yourself? I know that that's a broad question really. But you get the picture.

    I also am aware that there are a lot of people out there who would answer yes to all of those questions. But for me, my answer would be no. I generally care a lot about other people's feelings. Even though I'm not even a quarter of as big of a people person as I used to be, and prefer to be left alone until I'm ready to socialize, (which is not very often) I still want other people to be happy and live happy lives.

    As someone who has suffered a lot of years of emotional abuse growing up I would not want to be that person. I wouldn't ever want to contribute to becoming the voice inside someone's head telling them they're not good enough, that they're never going to be nothing, or they're unworthy and unlovable, or ugly and this or that. Some people are thickskinnded and others are not. Sometimes people can pick at someone and they don't think twice about it while others replay that over and over in their heads until it is permanently a part of them and they feel they are all of those things.

    Often times the voice inside of our heads that we think belongs to us is just an echo of someone in our past (or present) who did everything they could to rip apart any amount of self esteem you had. That voice isn't there just because of you. Someone planted it there, and odds are they didn't even know that the reason they did that was so that it would grow and make you feel as bad about yourself and they feel about themselves.

    Subconsciously they're looking for someone to bring down to their level to make themselves feel better because they probably had the same thing done to them. They don't know that it works both ways. When you're trying to bring someone up, and you're complimenting and reassuring them and supporting them, that it helps you too.

    Hurt people hurt people, because that's often all they have ever known. Hurt people can also be strong, and help build strength in others, and through that build more strength in themselves. I ramble around a lot I know. But my point here is this, treat yourself with the same love and compassion you would give other people.

    You are a human too and though you live a very personal life with yourself and being you and being a person is a wild concept and we often forget we are human as well, you deserve to be at peace. You deserve love and compassion, patience and support. You're on this earth just like the rest of us.

    Be good to yourself.

    #MentalHealth #begoodtoyourself #Love #patience #Understanding #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD

    4 comments
    Post

    A rule I have been trying to live by.

    Always treat yourself the way you would treat other people. Would you tell someone else the same thing you're telling yourself? Would you beat up and criticize someone else the way you do yourself? I know that that's a broad question really. But you get the picture.

    I also am aware that there are a lot of people out there who would answer yes to all of those questions. But for me, my answer would be no. I generally care a lot about other people's feelings. Even though I'm not even a quarter of as big of a people person as I used to be, and prefer to be left alone until I'm ready to socialize, (which is not very often) I still want other people to be happy and live happy lives.

    As someone who has suffered a lot of years of emotional abuse growing up I would not want to be that person. I wouldn't ever want to contribute to becoming the voice inside someone's head telling them they're not good enough, that they're never going to be nothing, or they're unworthy and unlovable, or ugly and this or that. Some people are thickskinnded and others are not. Sometimes people can pick at someone and they don't think twice about it while others replay that over and over in their heads until it is permanently a part of them and they feel they are all of those things.

    Often times the voice inside of our heads that we think belongs to us is just an echo of someone in our past (or present) who did everything they could to rip apart any amount of self esteem you had. That voice isn't there just because of you. Someone planted it there, and odds are they didn't even know that the reason they did that was so that it would grow and make you feel as bad about yourself and they feel about themselves.

    Subconsciously they're looking for someone to bring down to their level to make themselves feel better because they probably had the same thing done to them. They don't know that it works both ways. When you're trying to bring someone up, and you're complimenting and reassuring them and supporting them, that it helps you too.

    Hurt people hurt people, because that's often all they have ever known. Hurt people can also be strong, and help build strength in others, and through that build more strength in themselves. I ramble around a lot I know. But my point here is this, treat yourself with the same love and compassion you would give other people.

    You are a human too and though you live a very personal life with yourself and being you and being a person is a wild concept and we often forget we are human as well, you deserve to be at peace. You deserve love and compassion, patience and support. You're on this earth just like the rest of us.

    Be good to yourself.

    #MentalHealth #begoodtoyourself #Love #patience #Understanding #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD

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    Trying to understand #HighfunctioningDepression ..and my friend whom has it.

    Y'all, I want to understand High functioning Depression so that I can understand my friend better. I do wish she would try to understand my inability to function at the level she can. She doesn't get it at all and tends to seem judgemental towards me. However, my perception may be off, since she is very high-strung and boisterous in the way she communicates.

    In the meantime I have been depressed for more than 9 months. During that time, it's all I could do was just get out of bed. Almost everything came to a halt ...personal hygiene, cleaning my apartment, talking to family members, etc..all out the window. Now, my mood has lifted but I still struggle with daily tasks. I have no motivation. My friend tells me she just does it anyway. Sigh...I would love for it to be that way for me. I know her struggle is real..
    Just different from mine..but the low mood, not wanting to eat, tiredness, and anxiety are what we share. #Depression #Anxiety

    I try my best to understand how she.manages to get everything that needs doing done. It's hard. But I keep reminding myself, she is struggling too and that she's not any better than me.

    Can any of you share your insight, experiences etc? Thank you in advance.
    #Depression #Anxiety #insecurity #Friendship #Understanding

    11 comments