I have severe #CPTSD and #Bipolar disorder. I've had zero #Support from others- my family, "friends", etc. my entire life. I am 36. I've had to have a job and work through- to "push through" panic attacks and debilitating #Depression , feeling #suicidal , emotional #Flashbacks , complete overwhelm, and feeling profoundly unsafe in every aspect of my life, and with a "Smile!", on top of it all. And of course all of my illnesses were undiagnosed. According to my therapist at the time, I was "just depressed".
I've done so much on my own.
I've never been too interested in #Dating . I date someone if I happen to meet them, but I don't generally go looking for #romantic #Relationships .
Here is the problem: I don't need them. The relationships, or the men. I'm dating a guy right now and there are issues between us. I am so exhausted from living my life, that I pretty much have no desire to try to "work things out". When I think about the stress that dealing with another person in this way, and trying to "work things out", I feel tired. It seems to me that it's not worth it. So I find myself in this pattern, and this is also where I am with the guy I'm dating: I don't feel like trying to work things out because: I DON'T NEED YOU. I know I don't, for a fact. Maybe a couple of decades ago, if I'd had some help & had been shown that there are people out there who do help, and you don't have to do everything alone, maybe I'd feel differently. But it's been just me, clawing and fighting for so long... this guy I'm seeing now, I'm really considering dropping it. I don't need him- he's never contributed greatly to my life- I don't want these complications.
Intellectually I understand that "no man is an island". Humans are social creatures. We were not meant to be alone. I don't want to be 65yo and alone. But on an emotional level, I'm beyond numb. I've been isolated for so long, it's really all I know. My brain is thinking: "Maybe I should try to work it out with this guy and see what happens." But my feelings say: "You don't need him or this drama. People have done nothing but let you down."
I'm not sure what I'm going to do regarding the gut I'm dating. If I'll try to "work it out"with him, or give him the boot. But I do know this: #Isolation is addictive, and can be detrimental in so many ways.