Weeks pretending to be ok. But my mind isn’t. Going from #Emptiness to #impulsivebehaviour to fill the void. Then feeling bad for not feeling guilt. Im also having disorganized thoughts and just hoping someone understands me. Read about the subtypes of #BPD to figure out my emotions.
Well I have a habit of ruining the beat things in my life. I recently got out of a four year relationship with the love of my life. I was so depressed I neglected her and we grew distant. We kept going back and forth, opening up and the other closing off. Our problems really started about 10 months ago..... our communication broke down completely, and with that I became bitter. I was doing everything I could to fix myself and my relationship. As time went on she withdrew more and more, as such I blamed myself for everything. I hate myself, I was so blind and in that blindness I grew angry, angry that I wasn't good enough. Angry that when Im upset I do the worst possible thing I can every time. And argument would turn into venom and I didn't want to....... I hate myself for my lack of self control. Even on your good days, one thing would make me feel worthless and I would question everything. The more questions, the more everything got diverted and more and more bitterness grew. Now the love of my life, is no longer a part of my life and I want to die. I can't as i have goals but this empty pit, this unsatisfied thirst. I want her and I want to fix us...... im broken and even though she played her part and helped things along I know im to blame when it comes to finishing blows. I become so sorrowful and empty I try to fill it..... but everything feels wrong, I didn't want this...... #LostLove #Regression
I can feel my bpd getting worse. Impulsive behavior and so hyper sexual right now. I just want to do crazy things right now! 😔
I’ve ALWAYS been impulsive. Never thought about the consequences or punishment and if in the slight one second I do I don’t care. My mania controls my life. When I get manic it’s like everything I do or say makes sense to me in that moment. I do things that could ruin my life in a matter of minutes, hours, even days and so on but I can’t see, think, or do anything except what’s on my mind in the moment. I have absolutely no reaction time. I think it I do it. I want it I get it. Therapists have always told me to stop and count or visualize a stop sign given me a list a mile long with ideas to help but none have even slightly worked. It’s like my body is taken over by something that’s fun and exciting yet has an ulterior motive to ruin as much stuff as possible in one episode. I blackout when I get manic and then when I come down I look around and a twister has ran through my life. Somethings I can slowly peice back together but others are completely distroyed and I didn’t even mean too. I sound like a two year old saying I wanna do what I want when I want with no consequences or repercussions but I honestly mean it when I say I can’t help it. I haven’t found a way to control myself. I spend ALL my money on things I’ll never use or even look at. I dropped out of school because I was getting a little stressed out and sold my cosmetology kit just to find out I can re-enroll. I yell and scream at the people who love me. I break mine and other peoples things. I drive recklessly. I compulsively eat everything in sight. And then I come back to reality and I hate myself more than the last episode. I’m just so tired of my manic side controlling my whole life. I wish it would just stop already. I wish I could figure out what exactly I need to help me live a somewhat calm and reasonable life.
Does everyone get these overly hyper moods?
I keep getting in these moods where I can't face going home, nothing seems to occupy me, I'm overly chatty, don't want to be on my own, want to do stuff such as travelling, sports etc
It doesn't feel nice though because it gives me a massive surge of energy that I can't fulfil, makes my stomach churn and sets my anxiety off. But people think I'm doing really well and am happy because of how I present.
I’m starting on month 2 of a new job. Bedtimes haven’t changed from what they were when I wasn’t working. After not having a cat for two years (I had to put her down 2 months before I lost my job), I went out to my humane society and bought into their “Smitten With Kittens” sale and adopted a brother & sister who are 4 months old. Part of me says ‘Yes, you can do ALL the things!’ But a smaller part say ‘backup buttercup...one thing at a time. How do I keep my stability, sanity, & enthusiasm without jumping on the impulse train? #CheckInWithMe #transitions #impulsivebehaviour #stability
Recently diagnosed with BPD. Learning more about it . I am not sure how I feel. I usually blamed my behaviour and moods on my childhood. However now I know, told my so called partner about my condition. I seem to be more aware off my impulsiveness. Where I would text him 30 mesg then send vile stuff to him then instantly regret it and next day can't actually remember what I sent him. My daughter is studying to be a mental health nurse (she my rock) she has advised me to put my phone down when I feel like this. However if I do that it makes me physically feel so much fear that I feel sick. 😔
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