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    Memories and Sadness

    My Mom passed away 21 years ago. Today, I had the courage to sell her silverware that she’d given to me before she died. She gave it to me after we’d had an argument. I know she was suffering through pancreatic cancer. She’d become unhinged at the time and actually said she didn’t “trust me.” I was visiting once a week, driving 350 miles (one way) to see her, spending time with her and my Dad, and just trying to show her I cared. I think it was her illness talking, and her pushing me away because she knew she was going..

    Anyway, I never wanted her silverware. I can’t stand to eat with silverware as it has a metallic taste to me. My Mom never knew that about me. She gave it to me because of the engraved M’s on it for her first name and mine as she named me after her. In 21 years I think I used the flatware once.

    So, I’m also sad because I’m thinking about my own daughter who has metastatic Stage 4 cancer. I’m thinking about the amount of disrespect and disregard she has for me and her Dad, about how she’s basically thrown us away as her parents, as her friends..

    I feel that we mean nothing to her, and so sleep won’t come easily for me. I just hope I don’t have #Nightmares because mentally I’m a mess right now…

    #depressed #Insomnia #PTSD #sad #Regression I thought I was getting over being #ghosted by my own child, but F’ it still hurts, especially when I think of how I treated my parents, and about how she treats us!

    I just don’t understand how I could Love someone so much, only to have them disregard me completely..

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    Info on Regression in Ds

    #DownSyndrome #Regression Our daughter lost all skills after turning 17 y/o. It’s not just Ds! The medical community has not agreed upon a name yet (Acute Onset Autism, Disintegration Disorder, Regression/Catatonia, Acute Clinical Deterioration, etc.), but, here’s info on a new treatment option. My daughter improved with Lorazepam and Prozac (still given daily at 21 y/o) but looking for more options.

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    #selfsabotage #self -hatred #Depression #Selfdestructivebehavior #impulsivebehaviour

    Well I have a habit of ruining the beat things in my life. I recently got out of a four year relationship with the love of my life. I was so depressed I neglected her and we grew distant. We kept going back and forth, opening up and the other closing off. Our problems really started about 10 months ago..... our communication broke down completely, and with that I became bitter. I was doing everything I could to fix myself and my relationship. As time went on she withdrew more and more, as such I blamed myself for everything. I hate myself, I was so blind and in that blindness I grew angry, angry that I wasn't good enough. Angry that when Im upset I do the worst possible thing I can every time. And argument would turn into venom and I didn't want to....... I hate myself for my lack of self control. Even on your good days, one thing would make me feel worthless and I would question everything. The more questions, the more everything got diverted and more and more bitterness grew. Now the love of my life, is no longer a part of my life and I want to die. I can't as i have goals but this empty pit, this unsatisfied thirst. I want her and I want to fix us...... im broken and even though she played her part and helped things along I know im to blame when it comes to finishing blows. I become so sorrowful and empty I try to fill it..... but everything feels wrong, I didn't want this...... #LostLove #Regression

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    Has anyone with BPD experienced “age regression”, or feeling like you’re younger than you really are?

    I’ve been diagnosed with BPD for years, but I feel like I’m always learning something new about borderline and how it affects me. Over the past few months or so, I’ve been becoming more and more aware of this odd sense that I’m not as old as my driver’s license says. This varies from blanking on how old I actually am when people ask, to talking with a higher pitched tone or with a “baby voice”, or to an overwhelming urge to cuddle any stuffed animal and curl up in a ball. I was watching a video of someone with dissociative identity disorder who experiences “age-sliding” and it made me realize that certain tendencies and behaviors of mine aren’t exactly...adult, and that these behaviors may have something to do with my mental health. Sometimes...a lot of the time...basically whenever I’m particularly overwhelmed, I “age regress,” which I suppose means that I’m regressing mentally to a younger age so that I can cope with stressful situations. I did as much research as I could with the few resources there are on this topic, but I’m still trying to figure out what this means for me. I’ve started to say that I’m “little” when I’m in these younger mindsets (coining the term from DID, not DD/LG or anything like that 😅). When I’m “little,” I feel a need to be taken care of. Since I’ve moved out of my family’s house, my boyfriend has taken on the responsibility of making sure I feel safe and comforted and loved in this mindset, providing me with lots of cuddles, calling me “babygirl” (which I hate when I’m not little), and doing his best to make me feel smaller because my body feels so much larger than it should be, sometimes feeling like it’s not even mine. It’s great to have his support while I’m discovering “little Sky,” as he calls it. It’s nice to know that he’s not going to judge me for acting younger than my age, as so many have before, and I know I’m not alone because of him, but he’ll never truly understand my mindset when I’m like this. So, I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this. Maybe we can learn from each other ☺️
    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
    #Age #Regression

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    anyone else find a major change in symptoms with the change of seasons?

    anyone else find a major change in symptoms with the change of seasons? and I’m not talking like SAD, I mean physically... it seems every year around October or November my health changes and I start having problems with vomiting and nausea! I have fibro, PCOS, chronic myofacial pelvic and abdominal pain syndrome, vitamin d deficiency (it’s maintained), arthritis, and still have on going tests occurring. I’ve had 4 knee surgeries and an appendectomy. I’ve had scopes done and I have IBS but nothing wrong with my GI otherwise! I just don’t know what to do, I’ve been doing so well and was hoping to get back to work in January but I feel like I’m regressing with this. I have vitamin D deficiency and have my levels check regularly and have increased it under doctors orders due to the change in seasons. I just don’t know what to do, please help! I’m desperate!! I’m 24 and I just want to feel like myself again! #help #Pain #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #MyofascialPainSyndrome #PolycysticOvarySyndrome #vitaminddeficiency #Desperate #helpneeded #Regression #ChronicPain #struggling #Arthritis #kneesurgery

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    Backslide

    I finished my partial hospitalization therapy a couple weeks ago; and today I’m feeling I’m in a major backslide. I’ve almost lost it and cried 3 different times at work. I feel alone all over again. I thought I had moved past this and built up a good network, but I really don’t feel I can turn to anyone at this point. I’m struggling #struggling #Regression #Depression #Anxiety #aloneinmymind

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    alone #Regression #Age #littlespace #MentalHealth

    i've been without a caretaker for quite some time now and i' have been wanting the same person time and time again to be with me but they made up their mind and left me and now i'm going to be a single "little" for a long time till i find somebody new. being little has really helped me a lot with my mental health but sometimes i think i should get out of that headspace and try to act a bit older but i dont think im able to do that since my other caretaker has given so many "little" things which i love so much. so that's a little (ha see what i did there) about me.... i've been feeling a bit scared to tell my therapist about this for a long time because it really is hard for me to talk about even in a "safe space"..... i'm worried she'll judge me but i don't think that so far that this happened which i'm happy about (i guess).... i was worried though because since i do identify as a "little" that i wont be accepted because i'm apart of this big community that i'm not so sure that is seen as accepted by society and im scared that if i reveal this part of myself that i'll keep having to hide for much longer and i really don't want to do that. there is a lot of information about age regression out there as well but these behavior of mine i've felt shameful about even since my caregiver/caretaker left me...... somebody give me tips on how to cope with this because i have not been doing so well with this on my own.... sorry again for this long read.....

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    Sinking #Depression

    Received absolute soul shattering words from someone I love. How do you cope with the grief of losing something you don’t have, and now “never” will. How do you choose between your dream or your love? How do you put a smile on your face to face the world when all you want is to scream your broken heart. I want to sink into a black hole of numbness so that I don’t have to feel this pain anymore. I want to vomit and crawl into the corner and cry till the tears won’t come. I’m broken. I’m heart broken. I’m soul broken. I want to be numb. #heartbreak #Grief #Mourning #Regression

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