Selfdestructivebehavior

Well I have a habit of ruining the beat things in my life. I recently got out of a four year relationship with the love of my life. I was so depressed I neglected her and we grew distant. We kept going back and forth, opening up and the other closing off. Our problems really started about 10 months ago..... our communication broke down completely, and with that I became bitter. I was doing everything I could to fix myself and my relationship. As time went on she withdrew more and more, as such I blamed myself for everything. I hate myself, I was so blind and in that blindness I grew angry, angry that I wasn't good enough. Angry that when Im upset I do the worst possible thing I can every time. And argument would turn into venom and I didn't want to....... I hate myself for my lack of self control. Even on your good days, one thing would make me feel worthless and I would question everything. The more questions, the more everything got diverted and more and more bitterness grew. Now the love of my life, is no longer a part of my life and I want to die. I can't as i have goals but this empty pit, this unsatisfied thirst. I want her and I want to fix us...... im broken and even though she played her part and helped things along I know im to blame when it comes to finishing blows. I become so sorrowful and empty I try to fill it..... but everything feels wrong, I didn't want this...... #LostLove #Regression

I recently started painting. Sadly I punish myself by ruining my art when I am feeling out of control. Usually it's writing that I have done; i've literally torn and burned books that I have wrote. It hurts me more than anything, but its not harming my skin so atleast theres that. Anyways, I have alot of painted canvases around and due to feeling so frustraited with myself and my life I felt compelled to grab a knife and start stabbing them and completely ruined them. :( it makes me sad but not very sad because they weren't that good in my opinion anyways. But my bf was very upset that i did it and talked about how he was going to try to fix them, which made me more sad. Does anyone else have this destructive coping mechanism?
#Selfdestructivebehavior #Selfharm #Art #coping #frustrated

I feel proud of myself but lost at the same time. My relationship with my best friend has been strained for five weeks. This friction mainly started because I got paranoid that he hated me when he said we couldn't hang out because of COVID. I did some stupid self-destructive things over the month where he wasn't talking to me on and off. Because I felt so out of control and full of self-hatred. I was too clingy, calling and texting too much asking for reassurance that he didn't hate me. He never gave me that and said, every time I reached out I just pushed him further away. Everything came to a head two Sundays ago. He was a dick, I asked for validation, he said he "wasn't playing that game anymore," I called too many times desperate to understand what he meant, and he threatened to block my number.

After speaking to my therapist about this she said my only hope of saving this relationship is to not talk to him and that I need to know that I am good enough on my own--without external validation (no matter what my intrusive thoughts say). That rang so true to me. I realized that though my extreme reactions come from past traumas I have the agency to act differently and be okay with myself. This week I've been working on putting this into action and recognizing, not fighting, my inner child.

Anyway, I'm frustrated because I want to tell my friend that I can now manage the behaviors he needed a break from...but I can't contact him. He sent me a couple of Reddit posts last week and we played DnD (online) with our friends and everything seemed fine...but it's now been five days since we spoke and I'm just frustrated and sad. I can't tell him our relationship will be healthier and I'm scared there is no relationship to save. Thanks for listening. Comments/advice is appreciated :)

Yesterday was a nightmare. It started off manic and having a hyper-inflated ego. Then crashing down to rock bottom in the space of around 10 minutes. Crying and throwing clothes everywhere. Finally culminating in drinking too much at a bbq and everyone hearing me puking..... Ugh #Selfdestructivebehavior

Right now, I feel emotionally numb. On top of that, I have this urge to do self destructive things. I don’t really care about anything or anyone right now. #MentalHealth #Depression #Feelingnumb #Selfdestructivebehavior

I find that my mind goes to weird places. I don’t want to be alone, but sometimes I almost encourage it. Even though I purposely push you away, I do feel hurt and guilty about it. Lately, I’ve been in a self destructive place mentally. I’ve always had a hard time taking criticism, so to distract myself from my endless thoughts of feeling like a failure, I injured myself with a cap from a pen. I think that in some part of my mind, I deserve to be abandoned. I deserve to be ignored. It’s weird, but it’s true. #Depression #MentalHealth #abandonment #Selfharm #Selfdestructivebehavior