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Ugly name

The ugliest name and image I can think of is my extended family, as they have let my mother die to abuse, my father be locked in for 2 weeks at a time due to abuse, my life almost be taken due to abuse, my daughter's personality to change due to abuse, and my man to get away with abuse for 15 to 17 years, and especially 8 years since I've seen them, except for 5 minutes at mom's funeral and previously to this post I had no hard feelings, #Abuse , #emotional Abuse Survivors #Suicide #abandonment #Care giving #Parenting #marital abuse #Incarceration #elder abuse #Suicide due to abuse

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Rant/Plea for Help

Once again, this is an understanding platform where I can voice my emotions freely without judgement. Please bear with me. I’ve kept these emotions bottled up for a long time.

Yesterday I spent two hours alone crying tears of anger and pain over my current situation. I felt somewhat better for doing so but that doesn’t erase the pain completely. I know healing is a process but this process has a worn me out physically and mentally.

It’s the people in my situation that don’t seem to care about the pain they’re causing. I cry over the pain and imagine what I would say to them if I could. It angers me that they don’t treat me with respect and dignity. That they abused me in so many ways and yet, they act like the victim.

I feel disregarded and unloved. People tell me that I should be angry at them and that I don’t need them, but it’s more complicated than that. These abusers are family and the bonds are hard to break. I struggle with so much internal conflict.

I’ve called upon my faith to help me but sometimes even the Lord seems distant. I feel such anger for what they did and are doing. I feel such sadness at the same time, for not seeing a family member I really love, it drives me crazy not seeing him and knowing if he’s okay.

These negative thoughts cloud my ability to see things clearly. I ask you to pray for me. I feel bad for being angry with them, but I also know that they most likely deserve it. Now, some of my family will be incarcerated and I don’t know how to deal with that.

Please please offer any support you can. Sometimes I feel so alone and unsupported that it drives me to the brink of self harm or suicidal thoughts. I want to live and see justice for myself . If you made it this far, thank you. God bless you.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Selfharm #SexualAbuseSurvivors #Incest #emotionalabusesurvivor #Incarceration #Faith #Religion