Once again, this is an understanding platform where I can voice my emotions freely without judgement. Please bear with me. I’ve kept these emotions bottled up for a long time.
Yesterday I spent two hours alone crying tears of anger and pain over my current situation. I felt somewhat better for doing so but that doesn’t erase the pain completely. I know healing is a process but this process has a worn me out physically and mentally.
It’s the people in my situation that don’t seem to care about the pain they’re causing. I cry over the pain and imagine what I would say to them if I could. It angers me that they don’t treat me with respect and dignity. That they abused me in so many ways and yet, they act like the victim.
I feel disregarded and unloved. People tell me that I should be angry at them and that I don’t need them, but it’s more complicated than that. These abusers are family and the bonds are hard to break. I struggle with so much internal conflict.
I’ve called upon my faith to help me but sometimes even the Lord seems distant. I feel such anger for what they did and are doing. I feel such sadness at the same time, for not seeing a family member I really love, it drives me crazy not seeing him and knowing if he’s okay.
These negative thoughts cloud my ability to see things clearly. I ask you to pray for me. I feel bad for being angry with them, but I also know that they most likely deserve it. Now, some of my family will be incarcerated and I don’t know how to deal with that.
Please please offer any support you can. Sometimes I feel so alone and unsupported that it drives me to the brink of self harm or suicidal thoughts. I want to live and see justice for myself . If you made it this far, thank you. God bless you.
#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Selfharm #SexualAbuseSurvivors #Incest #emotionalabusesurvivor #Incarceration #Faith #Religion