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    Stress at Work #overwhelmed

    My boss is away sick again and it's just me in the office. This time of year is extremely busy and I am so stressed. I just want to curl up in a ball under my desk and cry and then take a nap. I'm already getting super anxious about her three week holiday in August.
    I'm trying to focus on one task at a time, but the phone keeps ringing and bringing me new urgent situations.
    I'm chewing some intensely minty gum and drinking very cold water to try to help me stay present and focus, but I'm not coping super well.

    #Work #Stress #Depression #Anxiety #emotionalabusesurvivor #narcissisticabusesurvivor #CopingTips


    Confronted my Abuser Today

    I confronted my abuser today. He texted out of nowhere. We have been divorced for 19 years. He was emotionally abusive and continued to spread lies about me after our divorce to try and cover up his addictions with his friends. He texted and all the pain came flooding back. I wasn't going to say anything but something inside me made me call and because I needed him to understand why it was never alright to contact me. That I no longer had energy to give to him EVER. I feel better but still teary. He was quiet and said he'd leave me alone. I may be bipolar but I don't deserve to be abused because of it. He thought he could just pretend none of it happened, like I could forget so many things... like because I'm bipolar, I'd believe I'd imagined all of it. My most painful times in my life (during our marriage) that is when he was the worst. My family saw it. My friends that I had left saw it. I may be bipolar but I didnt imagine the abuse and I will not let it happen EVER again. #emotionalabusesurvivor #Bipolar


    Tengo que despotricar!!

    Aviso: Abuse de niños y violencia sexual

    Era abusada por tantos años de mi juventud. Mis familiares me abusaron. Dije algo sobre eso y ahora me odian. No lo puedo entender! Creí que me tenía que cuidar. Me tenía que proteger.
    Ahora, no tengo una relación ni comunicación. Ha sido tres años después el anuncio del abuso. Los días de los padres son muy difíciles para mi porque tengo sentimientos malos hacia ellos pero hay parte de mi que los quiero. No entiendo mis sentimientos. Yo debería enojada a ellos? A veces si, otras veces no. Extraño todo lo que quise.
    La violencia sexual me ha confundido sexualmente. A veces yo creo que soy lesbiana y otras veces yo creo que yo no soy. Es normal sentirse? Mi novio me ha dicho es porque de la violencia. Gracias por escucharme.

    Salud! #Spanish #rant #PTSD #SexualAssualtSurvivors #emotionalabusesurvivor #BipolarDisorder


    Social Isolation by Choice

    Since @sadburden posted about social isolation by choice a couple days ago, I have been thinking about those choices in my life.
    I realized today that, to some extent, this isolation serves the purpose of making sure no one is dependent on me in case this living life thing doesn't work out any longer. I've always been an empathetic helper, so people have naturally turned to me for support all through my life. Ceasing communication with almost everyone over the past year has been a bit of a relief - some pressure released from the burden of living.

    #Relationships #Isolation #lonely #Dependence #Depression #Anxiety #emotionalabusesurvivor


    Rant/Plea for Help

    Once again, this is an understanding platform where I can voice my emotions freely without judgement. Please bear with me. I’ve kept these emotions bottled up for a long time.

    Yesterday I spent two hours alone crying tears of anger and pain over my current situation. I felt somewhat better for doing so but that doesn’t erase the pain completely. I know healing is a process but this process has a worn me out physically and mentally.

    It’s the people in my situation that don’t seem to care about the pain they’re causing. I cry over the pain and imagine what I would say to them if I could. It angers me that they don’t treat me with respect and dignity. That they abused me in so many ways and yet, they act like the victim.

    I feel disregarded and unloved. People tell me that I should be angry at them and that I don’t need them, but it’s more complicated than that. These abusers are family and the bonds are hard to break. I struggle with so much internal conflict.

    I’ve called upon my faith to help me but sometimes even the Lord seems distant. I feel such anger for what they did and are doing. I feel such sadness at the same time, for not seeing a family member I really love, it drives me crazy not seeing him and knowing if he’s okay.

    These negative thoughts cloud my ability to see things clearly. I ask you to pray for me. I feel bad for being angry with them, but I also know that they most likely deserve it. Now, some of my family will be incarcerated and I don’t know how to deal with that.

    Please please offer any support you can. Sometimes I feel so alone and unsupported that it drives me to the brink of self harm or suicidal thoughts. I want to live and see justice for myself . If you made it this far, thank you. God bless you.

    #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Selfharm #SexualAbuseSurvivors #Incest #emotionalabusesurvivor #Incarceration #Faith #Religion


    Starting to ween off of Cymbalta

    It’s only been a few short days and already it’s starting to eat my lunch. I’ve gone from bad to horrible in record time. What’s strange is, I feel okay-ish when I don’t take any of the Cymbalta but when I take any of it at all, I feel like crap. I’m so weak I can’t hardly lift anything, my muscles are so tensed up that I’m incredibly fatigued which causes me to stay in bed most of the time. I can’t afford to live like this! I’m “trying” to start a small business and if I can’t move, I can’t work. Meanwhile I’ve been turned down for disability for the serving time in a row. My elderly parents are paying for my bills because I can’t hold a job for any real length of time. I feel like a druggy who hasn’t had their fix. The only problem with the “fix” is it makes me feel even worse. In a few short minutes I will be giving my dr a piece of my mind about this medicine and her lack of support with the disability stuff. She basically screwed my out getting it. Why would she do that?! Anyway, I guess you can tell, I’m pretty angry right now. All I want is to not feel like garbage all the time and be able to work to support my family so my poor parents don’t have to. They’ve been very generous to us but they are getting to the point where they are unable to continue paying for me and my family’s life. Where’s all the help you’re “supposed” to get when you’re down and out here in this country? The great old US of A that is. It’s almost like the system has been turned predatory against the very people who actually need the help. Any thoughts you guys? I’m feeling a STOL at this point. Frustrated with the broken system, all the red tape, all the stalling, no answers, no progress, and meanwhile I’m just supposed to be a miracle worker and make the, much needed, money manifest itself out of thin air. I’ve got small kids!! Mouths to feed and I’m not so heartless as to let them starve for any length of time. I love my family! I just can’t support them and that depresses me more than any other circumstance could. Every “normal” person I try to reach out to and tell them about my situation cannot relate or understand at any level. I feel like an alien on a foreign planet. Please God help me. I’m losing hope and faith in humanity. #Disability #MajorDepression #Fibromyalgia #emotionalabusesurvivor #ADD #ChronicFatigue #ChronicPain #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe


    Community and Daily Routines

    I grew up in an evangelical Christian home and my faith was absolutely central to everything in my life - family, friends, volunteering, weekly and daily routines, identity, artistic expression, etc. etc.

    Ten years ago, I began dating a Christian man...who also happened to be a narcissist. All the messages I'd received as a teenager and young adult made me discount any concerns about the relationship and to continue on until just a few weeks before our wedding before I broke it off. I believed that a Christian couple could get over any issues just because they were both Christian. Not only was this myth shattered by the relationship, but my ex was also spiritually abusive. He used prayer, Scripture, and spiritual leaders as weapons against me.

    I've been fighting to hold on to my faith for so long and I've just reached a point of exhaustion at being triggered over and over and over. I'm not maintaining any spiritual practices at this point, beyond occasionally watching a Sunday church service online. I think I've been waiting for something to change - like holding space in my life for that community and those routines until I am able to participate wholeheartedly in them again.

    I think I have reached a point where that is no longer a healthy way for me to live. I feel that I don't know who I am without Christianity, which is seriously impacting my sense of self and identity. I have very poor morning and evening routines because these were always tied in to faith practices for me. And I don't really have any meaningful community/ies that I am part of anymore as church and Bible study groups were always at the centre of my social life.

    I think that I need to start figuring out some new routines and finding some new community connections. I am anxious about this because my family and the majority of my friends are all people of faith and if I start exploring things outside of that, they will not understand at all. I also don't really even know where to start as this has been my whole life.

    And there is a lot of sadness in the thought of moving on from something that has been both so wonderful and so terrible for me. It feels like yet another defeat and is really the ultimate thing that my ex has taken from me.

    I'm not really looking for advice, especially not for spiritual messages or promises to pray as those can be very triggering for me, but it is just helpful to be able to kind of publicly share where I am at. It relieves a bit of pressure and anxiety for me. Thanks for listening, Mighties. ❤️

    #Christianity #Church #routines #habits #Community #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #narcissisticabusesurvivor #emotionalabusesurvivor #spiritualabuse


    Dreamt about my narcissistic ex

    It's been a long time since he's been in my dreams. I've been under a cloud all day because of this.
    Because of the situation in which I encountered him in my dream, it makes me want to withdraw from life and relationships even further.
    The only positive thing is that my emotional numbness protected me from collapsing when I saw him in the dream (that has been a big fear for me if I were to see him in real life).
    I don't have any real purpose for posting this except that I just want to share with someone because it feels so suffocating to be followed by my ex even in my dreams.

    #CheckInWithMe #dreams #narcissisticabusesurvivor #emotionalabusesurvivor #Withdrawing


    Positives in this therapy mess

    For the past week, I've been dealing with needing to quit seeing my therapist who was very triggering and who I'm realizing more and more was just not very safe or responsible in his role.

    I am so thankful today that I got to talk one on one (virtually) with one of the therapists from my new depression/anxiety therapy group. She spent over an hour with me helping me calm down and learn some new strategies for managing the situation. She has also promised to meet with me again next week, recommended a new therapist for me, and is going to get me in to see a psychiatrist in January (well, over the phone). Just this one hour with her felt so much better than three months with that other therapist. I am so sad that I accepted his methods for that long and suffered this damage, but I'm really grateful that the wait list for this therapy group was so long so that I would have her support when I really needed it.

    The other thing that happened in that conversation is that she just casually mentioned several times that I had past trauma and that I was displaying symptoms of PTSD. I have never had a clinician acknowledge that with me before and it means so much. I have known that that was my reality for several years now, but felt like a bit of a fraud to bring it up. I barely shared any details at all about my past or about what happened with this counselor, and she was able to see it. Of course, it wasn't a diagnosis or anything, but I feel *seen* in a way that I haven't for a long time.

    This acknowledgement of the trauma triggers and PTSD symptoms has also helped me to feel strong enough to refuse a final meeting with that counselor. I have emailed him and closed that door. His response shows me that he doesn't really get the damage that he has done, but he will not be in my life anymore, so I need to move on.

    Tomorrow, I am going to look into this new counselor and see what I can expect. The best part is that she offers a *free* 30-minute intake session, so I don't have to feel the financial stress of starting over. She also specializes in trauma therapy and maybe I can actually find some relief and get some hope that I can move forward in my treatment.

    #Therapy #thankful #Trauma #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #emotionalabusesurvivor #MentalHealth