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Lately I’ve really been doing some deep pondering about many different things, my mind stays racing all day and night. With my BP, sometimes I get “excited” about certain things when having a conversation with someone and I keep getting told “shhh” as in be more quiet when talking. To be honest, I’ve been told this my entire life and the people telling me this knows me and my character and how I talk and they do the SAME thing, so I ask myself, do they really need to say that to me. Is it necessary to hurt me by saying I’m doing something wrong when I feel that way constantly on a daily basis and they’re also well aware of that. Yes I know I can be a little loud when “excited” about something, however, no one truly ever knows what one is going through. You never know what words you say to someone in a type of manner could do to them, and it’s really been hurting me. I don’t need to be reminded of my flaws, especially if I can’t control it, sorry I’m always DOWN and when I get a little “excited” over something, well it’s because my brain is always working so hard to be “up” and energized and “content”. I don’t know what happiness is, haven’t for a very long time. My chemical imbalance causes low levels of seratonin and dopamine; which causes my depression to spiral, more anxiety, no motivation, chronic back pain, depressed moods, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, etc. When I hear that “shhh” it infuriates me to a level that is not healthy. It angers me in so many ways, ways I can’t even explain. I can’t control the ups and downs of my disease and it’s just another flaw I have to be slapped in the face for. Does anyone think im being ridiculous or can you relate? It’s been nonstop on my mind, so if so much appreciated! #MajorDepression #emotionalabusesurvivor #Anxiety #MentalHealth #MightyTogether

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Stress at Work #overwhelmed

My boss is away sick again and it's just me in the office. This time of year is extremely busy and I am so stressed. I just want to curl up in a ball under my desk and cry and then take a nap. I'm already getting super anxious about her three week holiday in August.
I'm trying to focus on one task at a time, but the phone keeps ringing and bringing me new urgent situations.
I'm chewing some intensely minty gum and drinking very cold water to try to help me stay present and focus, but I'm not coping super well.

#Work #Stress #Depression #Anxiety #emotionalabusesurvivor #narcissisticabusesurvivor #CopingTips


Confronted my Abuser Today

I confronted my abuser today. He texted out of nowhere. We have been divorced for 19 years. He was emotionally abusive and continued to spread lies about me after our divorce to try and cover up his addictions with his friends. He texted and all the pain came flooding back. I wasn't going to say anything but something inside me made me call and because I needed him to understand why it was never alright to contact me. That I no longer had energy to give to him EVER. I feel better but still teary. He was quiet and said he'd leave me alone. I may be bipolar but I don't deserve to be abused because of it. He thought he could just pretend none of it happened, like I could forget so many things... like because I'm bipolar, I'd believe I'd imagined all of it. My most painful times in my life (during our marriage) that is when he was the worst. My family saw it. My friends that I had left saw it. I may be bipolar but I didnt imagine the abuse and I will not let it happen EVER again. #emotionalabusesurvivor #Bipolar


Tengo que despotricar!!

Aviso: Abuse de niños y violencia sexual

Era abusada por tantos años de mi juventud. Mis familiares me abusaron. Dije algo sobre eso y ahora me odian. No lo puedo entender! Creí que me tenía que cuidar. Me tenía que proteger.
Ahora, no tengo una relación ni comunicación. Ha sido tres años después el anuncio del abuso. Los días de los padres son muy difíciles para mi porque tengo sentimientos malos hacia ellos pero hay parte de mi que los quiero. No entiendo mis sentimientos. Yo debería enojada a ellos? A veces si, otras veces no. Extraño todo lo que quise.
La violencia sexual me ha confundido sexualmente. A veces yo creo que soy lesbiana y otras veces yo creo que yo no soy. Es normal sentirse? Mi novio me ha dicho es porque de la violencia. Gracias por escucharme.

Salud! #Spanish #rant #PTSD #SexualAssualtSurvivors #emotionalabusesurvivor #BipolarDisorder


Social Isolation by Choice

Since @sadburden posted about social isolation by choice a couple days ago, I have been thinking about those choices in my life.
I realized today that, to some extent, this isolation serves the purpose of making sure no one is dependent on me in case this living life thing doesn't work out any longer. I've always been an empathetic helper, so people have naturally turned to me for support all through my life. Ceasing communication with almost everyone over the past year has been a bit of a relief - some pressure released from the burden of living.

#Relationships #Isolation #lonely #Dependence #Depression #Anxiety #emotionalabusesurvivor


Rant/Plea for Help

Once again, this is an understanding platform where I can voice my emotions freely without judgement. Please bear with me. I’ve kept these emotions bottled up for a long time.

Yesterday I spent two hours alone crying tears of anger and pain over my current situation. I felt somewhat better for doing so but that doesn’t erase the pain completely. I know healing is a process but this process has a worn me out physically and mentally.

It’s the people in my situation that don’t seem to care about the pain they’re causing. I cry over the pain and imagine what I would say to them if I could. It angers me that they don’t treat me with respect and dignity. That they abused me in so many ways and yet, they act like the victim.

I feel disregarded and unloved. People tell me that I should be angry at them and that I don’t need them, but it’s more complicated than that. These abusers are family and the bonds are hard to break. I struggle with so much internal conflict.

I’ve called upon my faith to help me but sometimes even the Lord seems distant. I feel such anger for what they did and are doing. I feel such sadness at the same time, for not seeing a family member I really love, it drives me crazy not seeing him and knowing if he’s okay.

These negative thoughts cloud my ability to see things clearly. I ask you to pray for me. I feel bad for being angry with them, but I also know that they most likely deserve it. Now, some of my family will be incarcerated and I don’t know how to deal with that.

Please please offer any support you can. Sometimes I feel so alone and unsupported that it drives me to the brink of self harm or suicidal thoughts. I want to live and see justice for myself . If you made it this far, thank you. God bless you.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Selfharm #SexualAbuseSurvivors #Incest #emotionalabusesurvivor #Incarceration #Faith #Religion


Starting to ween off of Cymbalta

It’s only been a few short days and already it’s starting to eat my lunch. I’ve gone from bad to horrible in record time. What’s strange is, I feel okay-ish when I don’t take any of the Cymbalta but when I take any of it at all, I feel like crap. I’m so weak I can’t hardly lift anything, my muscles are so tensed up that I’m incredibly fatigued which causes me to stay in bed most of the time. I can’t afford to live like this! I’m “trying” to start a small business and if I can’t move, I can’t work. Meanwhile I’ve been turned down for disability for the serving time in a row. My elderly parents are paying for my bills because I can’t hold a job for any real length of time. I feel like a druggy who hasn’t had their fix. The only problem with the “fix” is it makes me feel even worse. In a few short minutes I will be giving my dr a piece of my mind about this medicine and her lack of support with the disability stuff. She basically screwed my out getting it. Why would she do that?! Anyway, I guess you can tell, I’m pretty angry right now. All I want is to not feel like garbage all the time and be able to work to support my family so my poor parents don’t have to. They’ve been very generous to us but they are getting to the point where they are unable to continue paying for me and my family’s life. Where’s all the help you’re “supposed” to get when you’re down and out here in this country? The great old US of A that is. It’s almost like the system has been turned predatory against the very people who actually need the help. Any thoughts you guys? I’m feeling a STOL at this point. Frustrated with the broken system, all the red tape, all the stalling, no answers, no progress, and meanwhile I’m just supposed to be a miracle worker and make the, much needed, money manifest itself out of thin air. I’ve got small kids!! Mouths to feed and I’m not so heartless as to let them starve for any length of time. I love my family! I just can’t support them and that depresses me more than any other circumstance could. Every “normal” person I try to reach out to and tell them about my situation cannot relate or understand at any level. I feel like an alien on a foreign planet. Please God help me. I’m losing hope and faith in humanity. #Disability #MajorDepression #Fibromyalgia #emotionalabusesurvivor #ADD #ChronicFatigue #ChronicPain #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe


Community and Daily Routines

I grew up in an evangelical Christian home and my faith was absolutely central to everything in my life - family, friends, volunteering, weekly and daily routines, identity, artistic expression, etc. etc.

Ten years ago, I began dating a Christian man...who also happened to be a narcissist. All the messages I'd received as a teenager and young adult made me discount any concerns about the relationship and to continue on until just a few weeks before our wedding before I broke it off. I believed that a Christian couple could get over any issues just because they were both Christian. Not only was this myth shattered by the relationship, but my ex was also spiritually abusive. He used prayer, Scripture, and spiritual leaders as weapons against me.

I've been fighting to hold on to my faith for so long and I've just reached a point of exhaustion at being triggered over and over and over. I'm not maintaining any spiritual practices at this point, beyond occasionally watching a Sunday church service online. I think I've been waiting for something to change - like holding space in my life for that community and those routines until I am able to participate wholeheartedly in them again.

I think I have reached a point where that is no longer a healthy way for me to live. I feel that I don't know who I am without Christianity, which is seriously impacting my sense of self and identity. I have very poor morning and evening routines because these were always tied in to faith practices for me. And I don't really have any meaningful community/ies that I am part of anymore as church and Bible study groups were always at the centre of my social life.

I think that I need to start figuring out some new routines and finding some new community connections. I am anxious about this because my family and the majority of my friends are all people of faith and if I start exploring things outside of that, they will not understand at all. I also don't really even know where to start as this has been my whole life.

And there is a lot of sadness in the thought of moving on from something that has been both so wonderful and so terrible for me. It feels like yet another defeat and is really the ultimate thing that my ex has taken from me.

I'm not really looking for advice, especially not for spiritual messages or promises to pray as those can be very triggering for me, but it is just helpful to be able to kind of publicly share where I am at. It relieves a bit of pressure and anxiety for me. Thanks for listening, Mighties. ❤️

#Christianity #Church #routines #habits #Community #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #narcissisticabusesurvivor #emotionalabusesurvivor #spiritualabuse