Learningtolovemyself

Has anyone else that experienced #SexualTrauma have to learn what they enjoy sexually? I’m getting better at not shutting down sexual feelings but I still experience more pain than pleasure. Has anyone else experienced this? #SexualAbuseSurvivors #Learningtolovemyself

So I have days I don't do anything... I want to change that especially with my health with how it is. There are days I forget or don't care to take my meds (exemption of my birth control) also to shower, brush teeth and E.T.C. I think quarantine and everything else has gotten to me so any tips? Even how your taking care of yourself during quarantine? I just need something to help. #Healthcheck

Last night, I got hardly any sleep. I went to bed with a headache and a mindful of racing thoughts. When I woke up on what little sleep I had (still a headache) and finally gave up on being to go back to sleep, I felt fatigued, exhausted, and no motivation to do anything or leave my bed. Depression.

But no. Laying in my bed in the dark would do nothing for me. As I wrestled with myself of the idea of even getting up, I finally made the decision to get up and take a shower. I definitely needed it. I got out feeling clean in comfortable clean clothes. Then I decided I was going to eat something. I’m known for going all day without eating because my stomach is full of knots and I’m often not hungry. But the body needs food for energy so I made myself eat anyhow. String cheese, bite of an apple, 1 of the 2-pack mini breakfast sandwiches.

Just these basic acts of self care had me feeling better than I was in my dark bed-space. I spent quality time with my kids and my husband. I laughed with them, and cried with my husband over the things my mental illness has caused over my husband and family. But our bond strengthened. I allowed my feelings to happen, and reminded myself that they are ok and they are valid (in which I was raised to stuff my feelings; no one wanted to hear it as a child).

Now as I write this, I’m sitting on the couch next to my sweet son watching Uncle Grandpa and feeling grateful for this moment. I love being a mom. My children need a happy and healthy mom.

Today ended up being overall positive so far. I’ve even eaten another snack. And it all started with the small decision to show myself some basic self care, even when I felt I couldn’t, or didn’t want to.

Self care is a small step towards healing. ❤️

#52SmallThings #Depression #Anxiety #Childhoodemotionalneglect #AddictionRecovery #RepressedTrauma #Learningtolovemyself #Selfcare

....my nightmare started. May 9, 2018, I felt a strange "shift" inside.  May 11, I began experiencing double vision.  A few weeks later, I could no longer hold my head up.  My health quickly degenerated and my breathing was affected.  I couldn't walk from one room to another in my house without having to stop, sit down, catch my breath, and rest.  My speech slurred, I choked easily and had difficulty swallowing.
At the end of June, I made my very first ride in the business end of an ambulance because I couldn't breathe, and I stayed a couple of nights in the hospital.
By the end of July, I made two more ambulance trips to the hospital.  I spent a week in the hospital, enduring multiple tests, trying to breathe, trying to understand what was happening to me.  
I came home with a diagnosis of  #MyastheniaGravis, MuSK positive.  I was home two nights when I made the third trip to the hospital -- I nearly choked to death on a sip of water.  My husband literally saved my life that night.
I felt so depressed, so hopeless, so stunned by the whole thing.  
A few weeks earlier, I was walking 5 miles a day.  Life was going great.  
I came home from the hospital, tethered to an oxygen tank, using a wheelchair or a cane, taking a ton of medications that had strange side effects.  It's a long, tough year.  I've cried buckets of tears, I've screamed at God, I've endured needle pokes, tests, more frustrations than I ever have.
And yet -- I'm still here.  I am much better.  I am thankful for being able to drive some, to smile, to thread a needle, to eat a normal meal without choking, to take a short walk.  I'm thankful for my husband who is a wonderful caregiver, and my PCP, Neurologist, Pulmonologist, the nurses, and the therapists -- all of whom play an important part in my health care.  My support system of good friends and family members is a special blessing.
It still isn't an easy adjustment, but I am beginning to settle into my "new normal."  I know there will be tough days ahead, but there will also be good days as well.
I just take things one day at a time -- sometimes one hour, or even one minute at a time.  
I know this has run long; if you've stuck it out with me this far, I really appreciate your time.  :)  
Tomorrow is another day....
#learningtoliveagain #Learningtolovemyself #ChronicIllness #muskmg #MyastheniaGravis