I feel horrible. I haven’t visited my gram who’s dying of cancer. Reason is I’m too depressed to get out of bed before noon. But I just want to be with her. I lie awake at night thinking about her sleeping at the nursing home. How lonely she feels, angry and depressed. When I leave her I feel so guilty. I feel even more guilty that I don’t see her more than once a week. When I think about these things about myself, I spiral into dark thoughts. How I’m a worthless asshole, piece of shit, who doesn’t even visit his gram. How I disappointed her. How I’ve let her down. I think that I should be punished for not visiting her. She’s suffering so much so I have to suffer too. I’ve thought about really bad thoughts when I think of her and I’m not there. I just am a burden and a disappointment. I won’t hurt myself, I just have these thoughts and feelings. I have nightmares where she dies. My heart just aches. I’m scared of her dying. But I also want her to not be in pain anymore. Her cancer is spreading. When she dies I don’t know what I’ll do.. mental breakdown. #Grief #Depression #lonely #ihatemyself #MentalHealth #Cancer #Anxiety #Badthoughts #Selfhate #lonely #alone
I have bad BPD symptoms and maybe some trauma in the past(I don't remember) and I want to be able to have a normal conversation with my husband. I am way too emotional and react whenever he says anything. I feel like I've ruined our marriage because I can't get a handle on my emotions. I don't want to ruin his life because mine is shit. What do I do?? #ihatemyself #BPD #EmotionalDysregulation
Please contact the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255.
If you are not located in the US, try referencing these numbers to see if your country is listed: bit.ly/3xw6VW2.
Call your local emergency phone number. Call your local religious leader(s) after that. Physically become more public.
You matter, you are strong. You are validated in your thoughts. Help is out there. Don’t give up.
#Depression #worstmomever #thestruggleisreal #ihatemyself #whyme #ijustwanttofeelbetter #iwanttogiveup
I just blew up on my little one for no reason last night. I threw everything in the room and started crying and told the kiddo that the room was a mess and why? I also said that my kiddo was ungreatful for everything and spoiled rotten. I didn't realize how much my kiddo is going through too not being in school. I feel horrible for everything I did last night. I feel 90% of the time that I'm not doing things right. That I'm lazy and I need to do more. I need to be a better person. But, if I show my kiddo stupid things like that how is the kiddo going to be a better person to? I'm struggling so bad right now. I just don't feel like life is worth it right now. 😟 Thanks for listening
it was pretty obvious back then at school when someone wasn’t normal, and it showed. i felt like I was one and no one ever told me that I was weird or different, but I felt it deep down. I was quiet and my grades were always bad, I even failed a few classes. I had adhd but my parents didn’t know. Now that Im diagnosed with BPD and ADHD i knew that my feelings were right I was never normal and I’m never going to be normal and it hurts. I hate myself for being weird for having mood swings when Im with my friends, like we’re laughing and out of nowhere I start crying. like someone removed my wiring to the Brain happiness. I hate the fact when im in class everyone can concentrate and I black out after 10 mins. i have maladaptive daydreaming so I just lose it. Im hating who I am. I am 23 and I never been in a relationship. I never hanged out with a guy. I feel like its all because people see me weird, and they of course won’t ever like someone who’s weird. I feel that im such a burden for my friends and family. i hate the fact that when I isolate myself everyone starts checking up on me to see if im like having the regular suicidal thoughts or harming myself. i feel like God, i dont know. I just want all of this to come to an end. I wish I was normal, I wish this wasn’t me. I don’t know if someone is ever going to love me as I am, obviously no one will. i cant even love who I am, I am a hard time. I want people to leave me alone, they dont have to put up with my endless shit and mood swings. I wish I was normal. Just like everybody else. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Suicide #ihatemyself
I swear on all that is holy... If my husband asks me why I’m suicidal or why I’m like this... Or try to tell me that if I was happy with him, our life, our kids, our marriage, that I wouldn’t be suicidal and wouldn’t want to hurt myself... Or try to fix me like I’m a blown up motor... I’m going to lose the last of my very limited cool beans in me I have left, and walk right into oncoming traffic. Good thing I know he has good intentions behind it all, but holy bajeebers, not everything is about you. I’m just this way!
Quit asking me why! I don’t know! I’ve never known! And yes, “I don’t know” is too a real answer. And don’t ask me stupid questions like, “Is that why you had some of my knives in your safe?” You’ll get a stupid answer back like “Let’s be real. We both know your knives are too dull. I’d buy a new razor knife.”
And really... “You’re willing to give up an eternity in Heaven over being selfish and killing yourself? You’re willing to f*** up me and the girls that bad?” Yeah, just throw some salt on there. Rub it in while you’re at it.
He’s lucky he’s good looking and a better person than I deserve. I don’t deserve him. Or our kids. Or our life. Definitely not my own life.