Lossofcontrol

This morning, I’ve seemed to be full of ‘why’ questions. Many of which I feel don’t have answers. I feel totally frustrated, angry, hopeless, among other things. Why should I hold on to anything if nothing really stays? Why should my life be looked at as valuable if all I feel is invisible in a world full of people? Why do I hold such hope and compassion for people who only care about what they can get out of life for themselves? Why do I create space for people whom I feel don’t care for me as much as I care for them? Why should I keep showing up for people who only care when I’ve stopped coming around? Just... Why? And I keep putting myself through hell every time. Maybe it would be better to close myself off from the world... I’ve become soured by life. I’ve given up looking for signs of good because my heart has been broken enough times while looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and always finding fool’s gold. My life, among other things, don’t seem to have the importance it once had, and all I want is to vanish into thin air. #Depression #MentalHealth #whybother #why #hurtandangry #frustrated #alienated #questions #angry #Lostmyjoy #hopelessness #isolated #aloneinlife #givingup #Lossofcontrol #ivehadenough

You know when you’re not holding on anymore but you haven’t finished falling yet so you’re just in the middle free falling..
yeah that’s been me for the last year.

Scratching and clawing at the air around me desperate for something to hang on to.
Desperate for something to give me that bit of breathe you take when you come up for air when you swim.
Desperate for that warm feeling, that there’s life inside my soul.
Desperate for that spark, that feeling of love again.

I don’t know when it will come. I can’t even remember the tiny glimpses I have had because it’s got so lost in the constant never ending drama that is my life.
I thought they said things come in three’s?
For me it never stops. Every incident or travesty just rolls into the next one.

I keep pushing forward through my day to day life like someone’s hit a button and pushed me into automatic. I’m on complete auto-pilot.
People keep telling me how strong I must be for keep getting up and keep on keeping on, but I don’t feel strong, I feel weaker then ever because Im the only one who knows I’m not in control anymore.

#Lossofcontrol #Autopilot #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Weak #ObsessiveCompulsiveandRelatedDisorders #ADHD

Being perfectly imperfect is quite the prize. Don’t they see I’m only acting uncivilized. Behaving in ways to attract others in. I’m crying, dying, feening for the fix, that I can’t seem to provide for no reasons why. Will the house continue to be shattered every time one brick is removed? Will you continue being the tornado to your heart? It isn’t destroyed or torn apart. Love it and cherish it, as one piece added on doesn’t make it fall apart. Stand tall and strong as it’s beauty will set you apart.