lymphnodes

So I came to the ER thinking I had Covid or pneumonia and they started running all these emergency tests and hooking me up to things and then told me they’d have to keep me a few days. My lungs are full of fluid, there are lymph nodes in my lungs and belly, my heart is thickened and beating way too fast and stressed and they think I either have cancer, lupus, thyroid disease or all 3. One doctor (the ER) is leaning towards cancer while the other (Hospitalist) is leaning towards a lupus flare brought on by recent pneumonia and a thyroid condition complicating the mix. My old primary care suspected lupus for a long time but tests always came back iffy same with my thyroid. Because I have other autoimmune illnesses that usually like to hang out with Lupus and the fact that this is the exact time of year every year for the last few years that I get sick and everything flares in the same way because it’s whan it starts to get warm out.... I’m actually just praying it’s Lipus and that they finally caught it to where they can make the diagnosis so that I have a name for what I’m battling and can have a game plan.

Of course on the other end I have family history of various cancers and my biggest fear is to be told I’m definitely dying. As I also suffer heavily with MDD & CPTSD & OCD, there are more nights than not that I’m wishing to die and yet when someone comes at me with a grim face and says I just might be... all I want to do is live. I want to stop existing and live, give to the world my arts, help others, I wanna adopt through foster care an older child one day, I want to buy my mom a house, I want to see the Florida Keyes again, I want to take the dog for long walks, I want to finally be divorced... I don’t want to die with his name. I don’t want to die. I want to be grateful for the everyday pains and learn to make accommodations so that I’m living and be glad that it’s not the end of my road. #CheckInWithMe #hospitalstay #Lupus #Diabetes #ThyroidDisease #lymphnodes #Cancer #sjogrens #Fibromyaliga #Anxiety #MedicalPtsd #CardiovascularDisease #heart #Support #scared