Mania

Bipolar

THROUGH THE EYES OF A COMPLEX MIND

“You're a living performance trying out for a part,

While inside, you’re broken and falling apart.

Minds clouded with judgement...reality strikes.

Life is an emotional roller coaster ride,

Your views are turning into shades of

Black and white.”

Daily struggle of pain, weakness, a curse,

This is me, myself, and I.

Scars of pain, torture, neglect,

Has given me my complex mind.

As calm as the sky,

To the darkest of night.

Seems nothing I do,

Is ever right?

Dark as a prison,

Lost in a storm.

Thoughts enter like bullets,

Minds tattered and torn.

I lost all my breath,

As I lay my head, I rest.

All hope lies with myself,

Lost days ahead.

On the days I know will fall,

To ashes for all to see.

I dread the path to follow,

As it's a trip of anxiety.

At times, I am uplifting,

Feeling alive and well.

I think, could I be better?

For only time can tell.

.

Time, it never stops,

and it's never been my friend.

It's a burden that I carry,

grim thoughts that will not end.

Destruction, chaos,

Will to never surrender.

Eternal pain, restless slumber,

Insidious like cancer.

Roller coaster of endless emotions,

Too many painful memories.

Takes the light from my darkness,

brings a smile of uncertainty.

Thoughts come scattered,

triggered by a manic state.

Struggling daily to get out of bed,

and living life each day.

Fighting a war against myself,

wondering if I can be free.

I'm a unique work of art

born with a defective brain;

and a burden to all I meet.

My emotions are unbalanced,

My tears will pour.

Happiness is my euphoric high,

I'm the rage in a storm.

I don't break...I shatter,

like pieces of broken glass.

I have flaws beyond repair...

So I just breathe...

"This too shall pass".

A flood of emotions,

storms inside of me.

Attacking head on,

taking my breath away.

Controlling my thoughts,

so i'm a prisoner of my mind.

Stealing my soul,

sentencing me for life

These chains grip my neck,

Heads lost at sea.

Soul is lost,

Leaving all this anxiety.

Wrong turn along the way,

Minds out to lunch,

My body is so tired,

I could sleep for a month.

.

No memory, no knowledge,

Of the people surrounding

Other days, on top of the clouds,

all I think of is...party.

Paranoid feelings,

I'm always left out.

Sometimes I hide away ,

Shutting everyone out.

Friends gone,

Relationships...faster.

Life is a game,

With my difficulty on master.

Can't see life,

As it's easy for others,

As most of it starts,

With our fathers and mothers.

So, ask a question,

I'll respond to the answer.

I'm not joking...confused yet?

Cause, that's nothing.

So many times,

I've tried to fit in.

As I try to relate,

in a world full of ignorance.

I have medicine daily,

They take hold of you.

Feeling numb, cold, emotions are gone?

the minds a regular day at the zoo.

Then pins and needles,

Are pricking my skin,

Overloaded thoughts,

Tell me I can't never win.

Cars left on overdrive,

Is how it feels inside my head.

Drown in worry as to why your friends,

Would say what they said.

Deceived by the whispers,

They think you don't see it.

Emotional, alone, infected with burden,

A failure, you surrender and quit.

If I needed attention,

Why isolate myself inside?

Get robbed of sleep and hunger,

Fighting a battle to fight suicide.

So take it a day at a time.

Another day has come,

Next the hospital

Here I go.

Hiding deep sadness

But they already know.

Another dose of pills,

Confused you freaked out.

You've seen every doctor,

They don't care what you're about.

When your time's done,

You have no one to call.

You're back at square one

Feeling nothing at all.

Will this be my story?

Will I ever find a home?

Forever being judged

All I have is writing poems.

Yet all I need is a pad of paper,

And my trusty good pen.

Then turn on inspiring music,

By my favorite artist... Eminem.

I may not believe in God

But I have my own reasons,

It's not like that day

You went on trial for treason.

I'm not saying, don't believe

If it helps, then please do.

Hold on to it, cherish it.

I'm asking you to.

Trust me, the older you get,

The harder it is living with an illness like this.

You need support, hope, and love

To help find eternal bliss.

On the days that grow darker,

When the light seems it's not there,

I want you to know,

Many relate and care.

If you're alone and need a friend

Go to the pound, as they need to love just like you.

I have two and couldn't live without them,

great listeners, companions, will do anything for you.

The point I'm trying to make

You're not alone...have no worries.

I still struggle each day,

With my love in my thirties.

I screwed up.
I know I did.
I made mistakes and owned them, apologized, and even had the decency to continue to be told how much of a f**k up I am.
I worked hard and had nothing to show for it.
I was still going to be responsible.
I did not fail at communication, no one wanted to hear and understand what I was saying from the onset.
I have been thrown from a manic into suicidal depression, it would be better if I was gone.
I cannot even think of facing tomorrow.
I don't want to be around anyone, not even my own family and animals.
I made promises to keep me from doing the one and only thing I can think of, ending my life, and I cannot even promise I will keep that promise.
I am not a good person, I am a f**k up, a waste of time, a failure, all I do is disappoint people, I am unreliable, and a total piece of garbage who does not deserve to be alive.
That keeps running through my head.
I keep looking around hoping to find a bottle of meds full enough to put me to sleep forever, but it is the end of the month.
#Selfharm #Suicide #Depression #BipolarDisorder #SituationalDepression #SocialAnxiety

I call it efficiency 😜 #BipolarType1

I had a really embarrassing #Manic episode at work the other day (which has happened before). I always feel a sense of shame, embarrassment, and guilt. I tend to be out of work a lot because I get sick often or I just can’t handle being around people or having responsibility and expectation to pretend everything is great. I feel so much turmoil that I have been batting #Insomnia and extreme #Anxiety . I worry so much about what people have to say about me always being out and leaving the team hanging. Which makes me feel more guilty and makes me fairly delusional and assuming that people are talking about me and out to get me. Then I feel even more guilty! Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare and can’t do anything to stop it.. I know good times are coming but I feel So lost.

I had a really embarrassing #Manic episode at work the other day (which has happened before). I always feel a sense of shame, embarrassment, and guilt. I tend to be out of work a lot because I get sick often or I just can’t handle being around people or having responsibility and expectation to pretend everything is great. I feel so much turmoil that I have been batting #Insomnia and extreme #Anxiety . I worry so much about what people have to say about me always being out and leaving the team hanging. Which makes me feel more guilty and makes me fairly delusional and assuming that people are talking about me and out to get me. Then I feel even more guilty! Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare and can’t do anything to stop it.. I know good times are coming but I feel So lost.

Hi, my name is Bonke. I'm here because I am being weaned off my bi polar medications after being on them for 20 years! I’m 70 and terrified I will go back to manic episodes which have had me hospitalized in the past. Looking for support please.

#MightyTogether #BipolarDisorder #Fibromyalgia #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression

After the 4 month episode I wail & cry over how much I ruined my life

I just was manic for a few months and now I regret all my decisions. I need help. I got into a fight, I keep crying, I am feeling jealous in my relationship, and I’m going through mood swings really bad.