Mania

I have schizoaffective disorder, adjustment disorder and borderline personality disorder. Without my meds I'm depressed, paranoid, manic, and I hear screaming in my head. Between the ages of 5 to 35 I attempted suicide 24 times and I was hospitalized inpatient 8 times and I lost count of how many times I went to a non hospital treatment facility. I've got scars on both ankles where I scraped and gouged my fingernails until I hit bone when I was manic.

My reality is not pretty. But since January of 2020 I've been the most stable and happy I've ever been. I've got a clear mind. I don't have constant suicidality. I don't self harm. But the last week before the next dose of my meds is rough. My depression creeps back in, the paranoia, the manic episodes.

And when I get a new diagnosis, I spend weeks researching. I'll spend hours, and when I'm hungry or need to go potty I tell myself "10 more minutes.." and the next thing you know an hour has gone by.

It's not just depression. My mom doesn't believe that I have these disorders. And she's so judgemental. My friends want me to cut ties but then I'd have no family. I try my best to establish healthy boundaries. I do my best. But my day to day is a nightmare. I just wish people understood.

#SchizoaffectiveDisorder

Is this the way I’m meant to feel? Dosed up on happy pills and mind altering drugs. Am I an addict now because I have to take them everyday? It’s explained as being a dependence rather than a addiction. But I have to take these pills every single day, morning and night. Addiction is marked by a change in behaviour caused by the biochemical changes in the brain. Isn’t this what my medication is doing to me? Dependence is characterised by the symptoms of tolerance (the capacity to endure continued subjection to something such as a drug without adverse reaction) and withdrawal (by firstly developing a form of drug dependence. This may occur as physical dependence, psychological dependence, or both). While it is possible to have a physical dependence without being addicted, addiction is usually right around the corner.

If I miss taking my medication for a day I can feel the change in my mood. If I decided to stop taking them completely then I shudder to think of the actions I would get up to. I fear that I wouldn’t be able to function without them, be a confused and anxious person who would be at 6’s and 7’s with life. My Bipolar Disorder would become unbearable for me and I would have trouble with coping with the mania and depression. Further to this, I would put unnecessary stress onto my parents and friends. I wouldn’t be great to be around for anyone. This is only me surmising however based on the information I have been given from my Health Professionals. The only thing is that these treatments don’t put you back together as you originally were. You are remodelled, your brain chemistry altered by drug after drug after drug to become someone that looks like you, but really isn’t you.

#Medication #MightyTogether

some people, it is a relief when they find out that there is a name for something they have been enduring sometimes for years. Unfortunately, due to the stigma attached to mental illness, some people feel ashamed or don’t want to face the fact that they are “crazy”.

The diagnosis for bipolar disorder 1 is usually done after someone is in a manic episode. ............For rest of blog article

What Happens after you have been Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder

What sticks mostly in my head over the last few years is the day I received my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. I had to wait until it was safe during the COVID-19 pandemic to get to see the psychiatrist. I was referred by my GP to see the crisis team just before the outbreak and lockdown the pandemic brought with it. I was told to keep a Mood Diary, it was a very tedious and frustrating time for me as I had to wait 9 months to be seen. My health is in no way any more important than that of the general public and I understand why it took so long but I’m one of the lucky ones who didn’t do anything detrimental in this time frame and cause significant damage to myself or others around me. At the time I was on an antidepressant (Mirtazapine) and I had been prescribed a mood stabiliser (Depakote) by my doctor in the May of 2020. If you are Bipolar Manic, taking an antidepressant solely increases your susceptibility to experience massive spikes in mood swings and an extreme shift to Mania from being slightly depressive or stable. This rapid shift is accompanied by a rapid decline from the mania too.

The problem I faced was that I hadn’t been diagnosed by a psychiatrist that I was Bipolar at the time (as I was still waiting to see the psychiatrist), so as I had experienced 3 tonic-clonic type seizures that still haven’t been explained (personally I think it was a combination of the Sertraline and Tramadol I was on causing Serotonin Syndrome) and I won’t get an explanation now. At the time I suggested that it was Serotonin Syndrome which was met with deaf ears and ignored. I’m not a doctor or a pharmacist but I studied Medicinal Chemistry at university so I know a little about it and I have subsequently researched my text books and I have found compelling evidence that my suggestion was a valid one.

I’m currently researching the topic of what my medication (Olanzapine, Fluoxetine and Lithium) work on, their modes of action, and extrapolating backwards to see if there is any concurrent relationship between these. At present I’m looking into levels of the Serotonin (5HT), Norepinephrine (NE) and Dopamine (D2) levels in the brain that have been hypothesised to be linked to depression in people.
Being diagnosed with Bipolar has been a truly amazing experience that has opened my eyes to the World and to my existence. I don’t look at it as a negative in any way but as a blessing in fact. I have strengthened my connections with the people who matter and disassociated myself from the people who have made their own conclusions about me by knowing less than half of the facts.
There’s no such thing as a negative, it’s just an opportunity that you have to look at in a different way 👌

#MentalIllness #MightyTogether #MentalHealth