Mania

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    I have Bipolar and lived most of my younger years in and out of psyche wards this is what i feel like and experiences in the hospital for me

    Bipolar

    THROUGH THE EYES OF A COMPLEX MIND

    “You're a living performance trying out for a part,

    While inside, you’re broken and falling apart.

    Minds clouded with judgement...reality strikes.

    Life is an emotional roller coaster ride,

    Your views are turning into shades of

    Black and white.”

    Daily struggle of pain, weakness, a curse,

    This is me, myself, and I.

    Scars of pain, torture, neglect,

    Has given me my complex mind.

    As calm as the sky,

    To the darkest of night.

    Seems nothing I do,

    Is ever right?

    Dark as a prison,

    Lost in a storm.

    Thoughts enter like bullets,

    Minds tattered and torn.

    I lost all my breath,

    As I lay my head, I rest.

    All hope lies with myself,

    Lost days ahead.

    On the days I know will fall,

    To ashes for all to see.

    I dread the path to follow,

    As it's a trip of anxiety.

    At times, I am uplifting,

    Feeling alive and well.

    I think, could I be better?

    For only time can tell.

    .

    Time, it never stops,

    and it's never been my friend.

    It's a burden that I carry,

    grim thoughts that will not end.

    Destruction, chaos,

    Will to never surrender.

    Eternal pain, restless slumber,

    Insidious like cancer.

    Roller coaster of endless emotions,

    Too many painful memories.

    Takes the light from my darkness,

    brings a smile of uncertainty.

    Thoughts come scattered,

    triggered by a manic state.

    Struggling daily to get out of bed,

    and living life each day.

    Fighting a war against myself,

    wondering if I can be free.

    I'm a unique work of art

    born with a defective brain;

    and a burden to all I meet.

    My emotions are unbalanced,

    My tears will pour.

    Happiness is my euphoric high,

    I'm the rage in a storm.

    I don't break...I shatter,

    like pieces of broken glass.

    I have flaws beyond repair...

    So I just breathe...

    "This too shall pass".

    A flood of emotions,

    storms inside of me.

    Attacking head on,

    taking my breath away.

    Controlling my thoughts,

    so i'm a prisoner of my mind.

    Stealing my soul,

    sentencing me for life

    These chains grip my neck,

    Heads lost at sea.

    Soul is lost,

    Leaving all this anxiety.

    Wrong turn along the way,

    Minds out to lunch,

    My body is so tired,

    I could sleep for a month.

    .

    No memory, no knowledge,

    Of the people surrounding

    Other days, on top of the clouds,

    all I think of is...party.

    Paranoid feelings,

    I'm always left out.

    Sometimes I hide away ,

    Shutting everyone out.

    Friends gone,

    Relationships...faster.

    Life is a game,

    With my difficulty on master.

    Can't see life,

    As it's easy for others,

    As most of it starts,

    With our fathers and mothers.

    So, ask a question,

    I'll respond to the answer.

    I'm not joking...confused yet?

    Cause, that's nothing.

    So many times,

    I've tried to fit in.

    As I try to relate,

    in a world full of ignorance.

    I have medicine daily,

    They take hold of you.

    Feeling numb, cold, emotions are gone?

    the minds a regular day at the zoo.

    Then pins and needles,

    Are pricking my skin,

    Overloaded thoughts,

    Tell me I can't never win.

    Cars left on overdrive,

    Is how it feels inside my head.

    Drown in worry as to why your friends,

    Would say what they said.

    Deceived by the whispers,

    They think you don't see it.

    Emotional, alone, infected with burden,

    A failure, you surrender and quit.

    If I needed attention,

    Why isolate myself inside?

    Get robbed of sleep and hunger,

    Fighting a battle to fight suicide.

    So take it a day at a time.

    Another day has come,

    Next the hospital

    Here I go.

    Hiding deep sadness

    But they already know.

    Another dose of pills,

    Confused you freaked out.

    You've seen every doctor,

    They don't care what you're about.

    When your time's done,

    You have no one to call.

    You're back at square one

    Feeling nothing at all.

    Will this be my story?

    Will I ever find a home?

    Forever being judged

    All I have is writing poems.

    Yet all I need is a pad of paper,

    And my trusty good pen.

    Then turn on inspiring music,

    By my favorite artist... Eminem.

    I may not believe in God

    But I have my own reasons,

    It's not like that day

    You went on trial for treason.

    I'm not saying, don't believe

    If it helps, then please do.

    Hold on to it, cherish it.

    I'm asking you to.

    Trust me, the older you get,

    The harder it is living with an illness like this.

    You need support, hope, and love

    To help find eternal bliss.

    On the days that grow darker,

    When the light seems it's not there,

    I want you to know,

    Many relate and care.

    If you're alone and need a friend

    Go to the pound, as they need to love just like you.

    I have two and couldn't live without them,

    great listeners, companions, will do anything for you.

    The point I'm trying to make

    You're not alone...have no worries.

    I still struggle each day,

    With my love in my thirties.

    4 reactions 1 comment
    Post

    Ending it

    I screwed up.
    I know I did.
    I made mistakes and owned them, apologized, and even had the decency to continue to be told how much of a f**k up I am.
    I worked hard and had nothing to show for it.
    I was still going to be responsible.
    I did not fail at communication, no one wanted to hear and understand what I was saying from the onset.
    I have been thrown from a manic into suicidal depression, it would be better if I was gone.
    I cannot even think of facing tomorrow.
    I don't want to be around anyone, not even my own family and animals.
    I made promises to keep me from doing the one and only thing I can think of, ending my life, and I cannot even promise I will keep that promise.
    I am not a good person, I am a f**k up, a waste of time, a failure, all I do is disappoint people, I am unreliable, and a total piece of garbage who does not deserve to be alive.
    That keeps running through my head.
    I keep looking around hoping to find a bottle of meds full enough to put me to sleep forever, but it is the end of the month.
    #Selfharm #Suicide #Depression #BipolarDisorder #SituationalDepression #SocialAnxiety

    9 reactions 4 comments
    Post

    Embarrassed/anxiety exhaustion/guilt

    I had a really embarrassing #Manic episode at work the other day (which has happened before). I always feel a sense of shame, embarrassment, and guilt. I tend to be out of work a lot because I get sick often or I just can’t handle being around people or having responsibility and expectation to pretend everything is great. I feel so much turmoil that I have been batting #Insomnia and extreme #Anxiety . I worry so much about what people have to say about me always being out and leaving the team hanging. Which makes me feel more guilty and makes me fairly delusional and assuming that people are talking about me and out to get me. Then I feel even more guilty! Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare and can’t do anything to stop it.. I know good times are coming but I feel So lost.

    8 reactions 2 comments
    Post

    Embarrassed/anxiety exhaustion/guilt

    I had a really embarrassing #Manic episode at work the other day (which has happened before). I always feel a sense of shame, embarrassment, and guilt. I tend to be out of work a lot because I get sick often or I just can’t handle being around people or having responsibility and expectation to pretend everything is great. I feel so much turmoil that I have been batting #Insomnia and extreme #Anxiety . I worry so much about what people have to say about me always being out and leaving the team hanging. Which makes me feel more guilty and makes me fairly delusional and assuming that people are talking about me and out to get me. Then I feel even more guilty! Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare and can’t do anything to stop it.. I know good times are coming but I feel So lost.

    8 reactions 2 comments
    Post

    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is Bonke. I'm here because I am being weaned off my bi polar medications after being on them for 20 years! I’m 70 and terrified I will go back to manic episodes which have had me hospitalized in the past. Looking for support please.

    #MightyTogether #BipolarDisorder #Fibromyalgia #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression

    2 reactions 3 comments
    Post
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    Hidden Secret

    New to group so I figured I should share a bit about me so that there’s a better understanding of myself in case anyone wants to comment and such. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16 years of age. I was unaware of this diagnosis and my parents chose NOT to put me on medication for it. I didn’t have many friends and was always the class clown and always getting into trouble in what I learned as an adult was me being manic. I remember the depression that followed my manic episodes and my parents would pretty much tell me to snap out of whatever it is I was going through. In my late 30’s I tried committing suicide and failed. I’ve lost count on how many attempts I’ve made. The last one had me on life support for a week. While being on the psych ward a zillion times a doctor actually took the time to get to know more than other doctors in the past and diagnosed me with bipolar 1 disorder. I started medication and therapy and was doing really great!! My family doesn’t understand me and my brain and this illness no matter how much I have tried to educate them. I even had my therapist explain to them but it didn’t sink me n. I put on a great act at work and I am always the positive upbeat person that jokes and makes it a little more fun at our office. I no longer have insurance and am only taking Paxil 60 mg now. It’s getting more difficult by the day for me to keep this front up. I feel as though I’m having more down days than good. I have an ugly cry meltdown every morning on my drive to work. I’ve missed work here and there because I couldn’t get out of bed or just didn’t care one way or the other about anything. I’m lonely. I have friends who are always inviting me to go out practically every weekend but I always back out at the last minute and then get mad because I’m bored. I don’t sleep much and try to think up ways to leave this earth by making it look like an accident. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. My mom’s advice is to just have a couple drinks or something similar. I have started to isolate myself from my family because the comments can get overwhelming at times even though I know it’s because they don’t know what it’s like at all. I’m tired. Tired of everything. I’m fighting to not do anything to harm myself but it’s becoming more difficult. I’m babbling and I apologize for it. Thanks for reading.

    12 reactions 5 comments
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    What I have Learned from Recovery

    Mental illness recovery looks different for everybody and every mental illness. For instance, bipolar recovery looks different for someone with bipolar 1 with psychotic features and someone without psychotic features. Also someone with depression recovery looks different from someone with PTSD.

    My bipolar recovery is different every day for me. I have psychotic features and ultra-rapid cycling. But most of the time, it seems it lasts just a couple of hours.

    Yesterday, I experienced right-out mania that I could actually notice myself without someone else telling me. Usually I feel hypomanic or manic and don’t really realize it until later. But yesterday, I noticed it while I was doing it for the first time in a while. The rest of the day was pretty normal with a lot of creative energy.

    What I have learned with my bipolar recovery is that I still might have symptoms like paranoia or hypomania, but the symptoms are not as strong or prevalent. I might have a pretty normal day, no extreme highs or lows. However, my paranoia will kick in and I think all the neighbors are watching me and can see into my house.

    What does your mental illness recovery look like? Does it last very long? How do you feel when your mental illness takes a holiday?

    #Bipolar 1 #Mania #Recovery

    11 reactions 6 comments
    Post

    Manic

    After the 4 month episode I wail & cry over how much I ruined my life

    Post

    manic

    I just was manic for a few months and now I regret all my decisions. I need help. I got into a fight, I keep crying, I am feeling jealous in my relationship, and I’m going through mood swings really bad.

    1 reaction 1 comment