Mania

I have been manic for a long, long while. It all started with me witnessing a suicide 53 days ago. I was on my was to work and when I was about halfway there, I saw someone falling off a bridge just as their body hit the ground. I let out a gasp and my son asked what was wrong. I played it off and told him it was just a bird. I didn't want to alarm him. He laughed it off and agreed. I was shocked and my first instinct was to text my best friend, husband and my team. I was shaking, second-guessing what I saw and driving erratically. When I got to school (I am a kindergarten teacher), I convinced myself that I could work. I tried to keep my emotions in check. I convinced myself I was fine until my best friend came in to check on me, gave me a hug and brought me an energy drink. That's when I felt the first sign of emotion start to leak out. When she left, I could feel the nerves slowly starting to hit me. I continued to try and tell myself everything was going to be okay and that I could make it through the day. But once the bell rang and the kids started to swarm in, my eyes welled up and I immediately knew I was not going to make it. I told my co-teacher I needed to go to the bathroom. I ran to the bathroom and started to lose it. During this time, I texted some close friends and told them I was losing it. My co-teacher called our principal at this time because she worried about me without my knowledge. When I finally thought I calmed down enough, I made my way outside and my principal was outside waiting. She tried to console me but I could not stand the thought of being hugged and dodged her hugs. We eventually made it to the office where one of the office ladies sat with me until husband came. The next two days were a blur. I stayed in bed, slept and watched a lot of scary movies and ate a ton of junk food.

A little before I started Vrylar, I remember my mania started. It started with the impulsive purchases for the house like the expensive fan (over $100), then the air fryer AND microwave at the same. Curtains (that I didn't need) nightlights that I didn't need), curtain rods (that I didn't need), random subscriptions and so much more. This started around mid February, right after witnessing the suicide and has continued to now. The mania started small which is normal for me and when I got on Vraylar on 4/25, it has gotten more extreme. Some extreme things I have done are deciding one morning that I wanted a tattoo and in a matter of a few hours going to get one. Deciding one day that I wanted to color my hair then booking an appointment for the same day (this was in the same week) It has gotten to to the point that I am so erratic, I sometimes don't even know myself anymore and that other people have taken notice. Some people have said I am more hyper than usual and another said that they have noticed that I am stressed. It makes me embarrassed to think that despite me trying to put out a happy and jolly front, people can see right through me. I am worried that I will get admitted soon. My psychiatrist is seeing me every 3 days and has mentioned bringing my husband into my care...

Sorry for the long post.... It's just been a really long bout of mania and I feel like absolute crap. I want to get better and I hope that I am coming out of the mania now... #Bipolar2

I’ts been three years now since last post .. I don’t know if my feelings and mood is stable or not but the way i feel now I think that iam stable !
It’s weird because i never thought that i will ever be in this place, I always felt that this disorder define me and i will always be sick.
But now this time i feel diffrent like there’s something changed in me. I no longer feel upset or depressed neither happier or mania, i feel like my brain fainally quiet there’s no any chaos anymore.
Is this a good sign or I’m just hallucinating?
#Bipolar1 #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Manic #MentalHealth

I’ts been three years now since last post .. I don’t know if my feelings and mood is stable or not but the way i feel now I think that iam stable !
It’s weird because i never thought that i will ever be in this place, I always felt that this disorder define me and i will always be sick.
But now this time i feel diffrent like there’s something changed in me. I no longer feel upset or depressed neither happier or mania, i feel like my brain fainally quiet there’s no any chaos anymore.
Is this a good sign or I’m just hallucinating?
#Bipolar1 #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Manic #MentalHealth

I was wondering if anyone feels like i do? About once a week i will get into a dysphoric manic episode. I will have intensely disturbing emotions that eventually tornado out of control. They get to a point where i feel like dropping to my knees, scream in pain and anger so loudly the world shakes, then punch my fists into the ground and rip the planet into pieces.
Its intense i know. I will feel better if im not the only one that gets this way.#BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth

Hello, I had my first heavy manic/depressive episode in January that landed me in a mental health facility. Since then, I have been on medication that I take at the same time every morning with breakfast. However, I still get anxious about it. It's not that I fear going back to the hospital, I fear going manic and being in danger and getting hurt before I can get help. Bipolar disorder does run on both sides of my family, so I do have family members like my dad and grandmother to talk to about it. But I find I tend to get anxious in the mornings even when I've slept well because I worry if today is the day I swing back and land myself in danger (I live in an apartment with two roommates who were mostly absent when the episode happened, but knew I was in the hospital). How do you guys cope with the fear of mania or even depression?

Hi,

I've struggled for as far back as I can remember with my mental health. I know where it stems from, I know the traumatic event that set the dominos tumbling. But I've always "raw dogged" life. No doctors help, no medications besides self-medicating of course. Just me & my crumbling thoughts against, well me.

Until recently, my thoughts and the darkness in my mind became so bad this time I couldn't find a way out. I have been so lost. I have seizures, and I had a spell of them really bad for a couple months and my husband strongly suggested I try to seek medical advice. So, I did. Now, I've always had this thing with my hands feet and neck that I do and certain sounds that I make, that I've always chalked it up to anxiety because they do show themselves a million times worse when I am in a manic or anxious state. Once my mental health started declining rapidly, my weird "quirky" habits became unbearable, and loud, and uncontrollable. When I start seeing doctors and specialist for my seizures, all these diagnoses started flowing in, I was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, PTSD, Bipolar Depression & Tourette syndrome. I am literally a walking dumpster fire. I cannot medicate one without setting off the other, my doctors have a hard time even trying to find medicines that'll help me in all aspects I struggle with. They almost act as if they are afraid to treat me. I feel good to know that there are underlying reasons for my mental state, and it does help to know that it is not all in my head. But now i feel almost worse in some respects because I feel like a lost cause. I just feel so lost, just with a diagnosis now. I'm not sure that I am even looking for advice, I just need a safe space to vent. Someone if anyone to hear me while I'm vulnerable.

How am I supposed to learn or realize I’m making mistakes, if I’m never told what the mistake actually was? Being told I’m not trying, I’m not changing, I’m not aware, it’s not fast enough…causes me to panic and the thoughts that what I was doing right, were wrong this whole time. Working past and through bad habits, mindsets, etc…. Is a journey, not an over night miracle. I’m so discouraged that the effort I’ve been putting in was reduced to basically nothing. That the steps forward, we’re just wiped away. I’ve been honest about the anxiety when I realize that’s what’s happening. And although sometimes it’s taken me longer to realize it, I am still trying. I get so frustrated with myself when I realize too late that I’ve been reacting from an anxiety mindset….when I should have caught it sooner. I get so frustrated with myself when I am in the midst of anxiety and can’t calm myself down (even with the coping techniques). Im so frustrated when it takes me days to realize im manic. When I realize I’ve been doing things from a place of mania and didn’t stop it. The effort never stopped, yes, sometimes I will fall back into old habits or old mindsets. In those times all i need is a gentle reminder that those no longer serve me, especially when I don’t realize that is what’s happening. Im doing a lot of self work and no it’s not always outwardly apparent, but it’s still happening, slow and steady. Undoing years of trauma responses and anxiety lies is not the quick process I want it to be. And I haven’t given up.

But right now, I feel defeated. I feel unseen. I feel like a waste of space.

#Anxiety #traumaresponse #Bipolar #PanicDisorder

So, I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’m new with bipolar, and trying to learn as much as I can about it. Anyone else have it? #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #ManicBipolar

So, I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’m new with bipolar, and trying to learn as much as I can about it. Anyone else have it? #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #ManicBipolar