Mania

So I know my last post was a bit pessimistic but we all need to vent sometimes. After reading my most previous post, I don't want to judge myself for having a rough time. As a part of DBT therapy it is important to be nonjudgmental. However I am human and I slip up and I think being critical of myself is where the problem lies. As I have said before, I believe this negative internal dialogue comes from my history of trauma and abuse. Now however I have been searching for (and have lost sight of) what I have been searching for. During one of my psychiatrist visits I told him that I felt like the constant changes of #BipolarDisorder were tiring me out. Like there is no middle ground between mood episodes. I've done a lot of reading on Bipolar Disorder that I feel kinda like an expert on the topic. Recently someone had commented about mental and emotional burnout and the fact that my inner child feels overstimulated. I couldn't stop reading this comment because it felt like I was becoming burnt out.

I think it's important to find that middle ground. I was put on Vraylar to try and see if that works. To see if that will give me some rest from the near constant mania and depression. I have a lot of coping strategies but when I feel overwhelmed or attacked even, I shut down. I remember my therapist telling me this is the freeze response. It's like a default. When I was experiencing sexual abuse and sexual assault I froze, only able to speak but not move. I suppose that freezing has become my go to response. Not to mention that having #PTSD doesn't help at all. The emotional instability of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder only makes life harder. I just want to rest and experience emotional stability. Even for a little bit. I know that I can't change what I live with but I can manage my symptoms.

It's just exhausting. Considering that it still irks me that two of the three disorders were caused by the trauma, there's not much I can do besides accept them. Yet I have a long list of things that I have to accept. As far as positives go, I want to get out of this irritated, angry, manic-depressive rut I've been in. So I will try a therapy skill called accumulating positives. Perhaps I should listing them. Sure my mental illnesses make me unique and my history too. Not sure if that's a positive though. Sometimes it seems like all the medications and therapy can't stop my problems but I also know that part of it is on me. So I will try to practice my spirituality, eat healthier, get more sleep and stick to my treatment plan to name a few.

Has anyone been on Vraylar? What has it done for you? How can I accumulate positives without my mental illnesses getting in the way? I also wanted to thank everyone that reads and responds to my posts. I appreciate it and look forwards to reading your comments. So stay strong friends. I believe in you. Stay safe as always.

#abusesurvivor

#BipolarDisorder

I have super-mania tonight, and for the past 5 days. Prayers greatly appreciated. SREW

I have been in a manic episode since November. If I sleep I have nightmares but most nights I don’t get much sleep. My brain and body is pure chaos right now. My
Thoughts are all over the place. My family tries to understand. I tell them if I notice a change in moods and they try to understand but they just don’t get it. I feel the fall fixing to happen. I see the black cloud hovering over me. Waiting to cover me. I had a really bad depressed episode 2 years ago where I withdrew from anything and everyone and stayed in bed for 1 year. I’m petrified that’s what is going to happen this time. I know from experience that I’m going to come down from this manic episode but does anyone know how to keep me from going To a really dark place? Is there something I can do to even my moods out? I’m on medications for mood stability and antipsychotics to help with my visual and auditory hallucinations Any suggestions would help. #Bipolar #BipolarDepression #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #CPTSD #Anxiety

I know I wrote about being depressed a little while ago but now I can see the red flags of mania coming up. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I could be sitting watching tv and then the unbearable boredom sets in. Suddenly I am hit with a burst of energy. I get extremely irritable and want to cry, scream and pace around. Sometimes all at once. The noise inside my head is intolerable. My thoughts race and I never know what to focus on. I start projects then forget about them. I struggle to concentrate on any one thing and the noise in my head is met with the equally unbearable urge to physically move around. Even as I type this I am getting fidgety. Though my hands are moving and my thoughts are slightly distracted by this post I still have the urge to move around. Some say that I pace like a tiger trapped in a cage. This is true, especially if the weather is bad and I am confined to my apartment. I hate being confined when I'm manic. Hate it. Yet I have no car and can only walk so far before I have to return.

I am extremely bored right now. I want to go out but I have no money and what I want to do cost money. I am forced to keep myself occupied doing things that don't cost money. But having to come up with ideas is absolutely frustrating. To the point where I just shut down or want to cry. I know that shutting down doesn't help but sometimes I get overwhelmed and overstimulated. I suppose shutting down is just a response to being overstimulated. Yet I feel that mania and the noise in my head is like an untamed beast. Yes I have a therapist and on a plethora of medications to help manage the condition but sometimes this isn't enough. I've heard it all before. Try meditation, try herbs, try sleeping. On and on it goes. Problem with meditating is that I can't stay still and patient long enough to do it. Herbs are hard to find and sleeping seems impossible most nights.

How do I tame this beast? I try to force myself to calm down but when I'm irritable because of the energy and can't sleep calming down also seems impossible. I've done so much reading on the condition that I consider myself an expert. Though I know a lot I feel out of control most of the time. Now the happiness is settling in and I feel great but this often leads to anxiety and in severe cases, psychosis. I have never been hospitalized for mania, only depression. I don't want that to happen so I want to learn how to tame the beast that is mania. I want to practice better self care and spirituality. Maybe these things can help. Tonight I will probably get little to no sleep and it is too dark and late to go anywhere. Of course I am open to any suggestions on how to calm this episode. But I feel like I can try to describe it to people that don't live with it but I feel like they don't understand. I appreciate your responses. Blessings to you all.

#Mania #Insomnia