Searching for Stability and Positivity #learning
So I know my last post was a bit pessimistic but we all need to vent sometimes. After reading my most previous post, I don't want to judge myself for having a rough time. As a part of DBT therapy it is important to be nonjudgmental. However I am human and I slip up and I think being critical of myself is where the problem lies. As I have said before, I believe this negative internal dialogue comes from my history of trauma and abuse. Now however I have been searching for (and have lost sight of) what I have been searching for. During one of my psychiatrist visits I told him that I felt like the constant changes of #BipolarDisorder were tiring me out. Like there is no middle ground between mood episodes. I've done a lot of reading on Bipolar Disorder that I feel kinda like an expert on the topic. Recently someone had commented about mental and emotional burnout and the fact that my inner child feels overstimulated. I couldn't stop reading this comment because it felt like I was becoming burnt out.
I think it's important to find that middle ground. I was put on Vraylar to try and see if that works. To see if that will give me some rest from the near constant mania and depression. I have a lot of coping strategies but when I feel overwhelmed or attacked even, I shut down. I remember my therapist telling me this is the freeze response. It's like a default. When I was experiencing sexual abuse and sexual assault I froze, only able to speak but not move. I suppose that freezing has become my go to response. Not to mention that having #PTSD doesn't help at all. The emotional instability of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder only makes life harder. I just want to rest and experience emotional stability. Even for a little bit. I know that I can't change what I live with but I can manage my symptoms.
It's just exhausting. Considering that it still irks me that two of the three disorders were caused by the trauma, there's not much I can do besides accept them. Yet I have a long list of things that I have to accept. As far as positives go, I want to get out of this irritated, angry, manic-depressive rut I've been in. So I will try a therapy skill called accumulating positives. Perhaps I should listing them. Sure my mental illnesses make me unique and my history too. Not sure if that's a positive though. Sometimes it seems like all the medications and therapy can't stop my problems but I also know that part of it is on me. So I will try to practice my spirituality, eat healthier, get more sleep and stick to my treatment plan to name a few.
Has anyone been on Vraylar? What has it done for you? How can I accumulate positives without my mental illnesses getting in the way? I also wanted to thank everyone that reads and responds to my posts. I appreciate it and look forwards to reading your comments. So stay strong friends. I believe in you. Stay safe as always.