Mania

Join the Conversation on
Mania
21.3K people
0 stories
6.2K posts
About Mania
Explore Our Newsletters
What's New in Mania
All
Stories
Posts
Videos
Latest
Trending
Post
See full photo

Change of Season

On a bus going into town the other day, I saw sunlight burst through the trees like a searchlight, revealing buildings I didn’t even know existed there on the hillside because winter's darkness usually hides it. Also because it was warm, I felt like looking instead of huddling up from the cold as per normal under these hostile conditions. Summer and winter by their very natures change behaviour and are complete opposites. Summer’s warmth and light leads us out into the external world, through longer days and making our surroundings more hospitable through heat as winter’s cold causes us to withdraw contact and huddle in the eternal night of the season (seasonal affective disorder or S.A.D. crushes some people through the winter as a depression that only warm sunny days can relieve and carry us into a state of elation: bipolarity is therefore seen in these alternatives as manic-depression.

Winter makes us want to hibernate and sleep the cold away as Spring’s warmth and lengthening daylight, draws us into rebirth in the world we’ve been avoiding because of its icy grip on our souls. Accumulation and discharge is how I would term it or the build up of energy reserves over the winter and their release through summer’s warmth and longer days. Think of it like this, a seed contains the concentrated form of the adult plant, lying dormant during the winter that empties itself out into the world during the spring / summer season, when the introverted thinker becomes the actor open to the stage of life again, participating in all the motion and emotion interaction brings; the dreamer awakes and the body reveals itself.

One particular symptom I have noticed is that I am waking in the early hours of the morning, having sort of cramping in my legs and a return of joint cracking, which had disappeared over the winter period. It's making me wonder, after twenty five years of migraine attacks, is this some kind of fitting like epilepsy but milder and also seasonal (see The Electric Universe theory by Wally Thornhill et al)? Perhaps it is the dynamo effect of motion building up something like static charge? I am feeling more breathless but I am doing more than I did and would do during the winter because of the conservation of energy as a necessity. I am also suffering from trapped wind, which is not a gas (bad pun warning). Maybe this all just the body needing to be kick started again after being shut down over the winter (‘My Body The Car’ song by Godley And Creme)?

Speaking personally I have noticed that the older I get, the more I pick up on. For instance it was not until this year that I started to notice these symptoms and that they might be connected to seasonal change.

5 reactions 2 comments
Post
See full photo

Bipolarism - the roller coaster ride that is your life

I think attitude is all in understanding manic-depression. When you are on a high, everything seems important, meaningful, significant (CS Forester ‘Only Connect…’). I think you unknowingly trample all over everyone and everything else because you become oblivious to their existence, blinded by the light of your godhood. You run on the fuel of enthusiasm, inspired by possibilities, then crash on empty (life as worthless, pointless, not worth pursuing – an endless repetition (the daily grind. Is this all there is?), throughout eternity. An existence with no hope of getting anywhere with anything and giving up all hope because of this: the empty, motionless vessel – the rusting hulk going nowhere).

Travel too fast and like a jet plane, your mind shatters into a thousand pieces (Virginia Woolf and her utterances turning from sentences, to phrases, then single words – devolved language, the joy of sound / vibration). It’s like pop songs, where you might not remember the words but you remember the feeling it invokes and its general rhythm or like a joke where you take the story (mystery) seriously but laugh at the outcome (punchline), which reveals the stupidity and meaningless of existence.

Could frustration at not being able to get your body to do what your mind wants it to do, be behind the violent temper and suicidal impulsiveness of the manic-depressive? Is paranoia from insomnia, down to the mind knowing something is killing it but not realise it is itself?

By the way this also applies to society as a whole. Like Ramsay MacDonald, the UK prime minister, I think war is suicide, not murder (destructive in a way peace is constructive).

As Soren Kirkegaard said ‘Life can only be understood backwards but lived (experienced) forwards.’ In other words we are always remembering the known past but imagining the (unknown) future.

Does a negative personality display itself in how it reacts to a situation and is this true of a positive personality also? For instance does a negative personality see what you say as a complaint because they are paranoid? Would a positive personality see it just as an explanation? In other words are we seeing the cusp of reality, where someone like Meghan Markle or Donald Trump (or even Stalin), would see this as an attack upon them personally because they suffer from a persecution complex but a more positive person would just see it as a comment, based upon how the person making the point is feeling at the time and what they are noticing? Does it leave you unaffected or send you into defence mode? Are you as the recipient of an innocent remark, astounded by the violent attack aimed at you by such a paranoid personality?

1 reaction 2 comments
Post

What irritates me the most about mania

What annoying me the most is every time I have a manic episode, I think that my symptoms are very mild even though it's severe, almost like lack of self-awareness.

1 reaction
Post

The system #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OppositionalDefiantDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #CheckInWithMe

So my psychiatrist forgot to prescribe me one of my psych meds and now I’m out of them and I tried on different occasions today during business hours to contact her and inform her that I needed a script sent over and to inquire if she could prescribe me a sedative to help with my chronic insomnia and I got absolutely diddly from her because I have been up for almost two days I desperately need some sleep #Insomnia and now I’m at the emergency room praying that someone here will help with just enough medication 💊 for a few days to continue to try to get in touch with her. I do try to understand that she has more patients/clients than just me but my needs and concerns should be valid and I need help I’m trying to prevent a manic episode and avoid getting arrested or institutionalized because I’m out of meds

2 reactions 4 comments
Post
See full photo

Struggling today sorry guys #Takingcontrol #MentalHealth #help

This post may not be liked by some people because of triggers so i’m going to try to explain to you guys why iv reached out to my local provider to section 5 me.

Why on earth, i think many people would say to me on other networks, so why?

My husband of 20 years deserves to have his wife back,
My eldest child can come off annual leave and get stronger again so he can get back into work as my mania is chronic at the moment.
My middle child 27, is desperately trying to sleep for work and he can’t focus in work because im really bad late at night and just snap. He never interrupts but im ashamed and it’s affecting our relationship and his own mental health.

My third child is struggling because she absorbs all this pressure. She does intervene and it ends up even worse, that’s not fair to her.

When your child tells you they don’t remember who mum was and they want her back is soul destroying to hear, but painfully true.

Today may not be a good day, the past 9 months have blended into a complete crisis and cycle of panic, mania, anger, sometimes delusional thoughts i’m shouting them all over the house!

I’m tired, they tired and as a family we have decided that having a 28 day release from the house, will really help me, get me seen by the professionals i clearly need and my family will no longer have to take on this horrendous pressure.

I am waiting on a telephone call, it’s not going to happen overnight and it’s bank holiday weekend, as soon as i can get some help, we will all benefit.

I’m 53 my blood pressure is dangerously high and i am constantly worried about having a stroke, or something bad is going to happen.

#MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #SchizoaffectiveDisorder
#samaritansuk

I’m lucky i have my family to support me, sometimes that’s not possible for people, Samaritans are there night or day and all volunteer lead, would be my first port of call other than my family 🗣️💪✨

4 reactions
Post

Blood Pressure and Mania/Hypomania

Hello everyone,

I would like to know if anyone else experiences uneasiness, heart beating fast when in high mood. I have been worried about this lately and I went to check my blood pressure from a pharmacy and it was 141/87, pulse - 92. There was no strenuous exercise before the readings.

I am currently in treatment for bipolar disorder. I have an appointment with my doctor first week in April, but I just want to know if anyone else experiences this, and if it could be a sign of high mood. #Bipolar1 #BipolarDisorder #Mania

3 reactions 1 comment
Post

I cannot believe I'm in this situation again. *Trigger warning*

Backstory. In 2019 I moved from Texas to Pennsylvania after getting out an an emotionally abusive relationship that lasted 10 years.

I waited a couple years before thinking about dating again. It took me about 3 years to heal.

A couple years ago I reconnected with an old friend from elementary school. We started talking every day and eventually that let him to fly in to see me. We kept this going for a few months and then decided that he should move up here with me. (this was before he told me about his bipolar disorder and bipolar mania)

Everything about him was perfect. We meshed together really well. The first year was one of the best I ever had with anyone.

Then the random manic episodes kicked in that first winter together. At this time he wasn't on meds. Eventually, he agreed to see a doctor and try medication due to the mania getting worse and affecting our relationship.

3 weeks ago he had the worst mania I had ever seen. At the end of it I found him choking himself to death with his belt. The sight of this made me go into the worst anxiety attack I had ever been in and I vomited 4 times. I've had an on and off headache/migraines every day since then as well.

I haven't been the same since this incident and feel like I should go back home at my aunts down the road to start over again. The outbursts aren't towards me but it makes me feel the same way I felt in my last relationship. Depression, anxiety, walking on egg shells. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this either. This was the breaking point I think, as there has been some other troubles caused from his bipolar disorder. He can barely hold a job, and doesn't handle stress like normal people would, lashes out quickly. . It also affects my fibromyalgia. The outbursts and anger cause me to flare up. I haven't felt good all month. I don't blame him. I know he is ill.

He's done everything he could to try and make this work and make our lives better. I think this makes me feel guilty for wanting to end things because unlike my ex, at least he put an effort into by seeing a doctor, getting on meds, trying therapy.

My fiancé has a flight April 13th to visit family for a week and I plan to tell him I think he should just go home permanently, a few days before he flies out. And I don't mean it bluntly. I plan to discuss my the feelings I've had these past 3 weeks and tell him I just can't do it anymore and that I've been contemplating things for a while.

*Side note*

He was planning to move back home to Texas within two years anyway and said he would do it with or without me as he wants to be closer to his kids. I personally do not want to go back so ultimately, I think it's better to break up now cause we would break up over this in the future. When we first discussed it I said maybe but with everything going on, I think It's best to stay here with my family and figure things out again on my own. Hopefully I will learn not to make the same mistakes again. I'm tired of my heart hurting.

#Depression #BipolarDisorder #ChronicFatigue #Fibromyalgia #Relationships #Breakups

13 reactions 6 comments
Post

Bipolar, OCD or both?

It has been a week since I'm back to lithium. I am on a very small dosage, 300mg, so you can have a notion, I was taking 900mg three months ago. I am supposed to double this dosage (300mg) after 10 days. I know right now the lithium in my blood must be below therapeutic, but I am feeling good, I am tented to test out a few more days/weeks on this low dosage to see how it goes.

My thing is, 4 years ago I was diagnosed bipolar type 2, it was not a lifetime sentence, it was an initial diagnose after a sudden depressive episode where I felt extremely suicidal, but I think my real problem is OCD. During pandemic I didn't went to the doctor and after I also didn't because it was to expensive. So I was 3 years taking my original prescription, that included an "strong" anti-depressive. My current doctor said that If I am really bipolar this sustained use should have got me into mania. Fact is, it didn't, I was the "most normal" during that time, in fact I also felt I needed more from the anti depressive medication, cause I thought I needed "a little kick" to feel more energy.

During that time my OCD really showed up. This was my original diagnosis before bipolar. It was anxiety with OCD. I really live life through mental lists that a lot of times I know are too much and they don't really make sense when I try to explain, but I just feel like I can't go forward if I don't do my lists. I feel this is what is holding me back in life.

So, it is important that I know what I really have because OCD treatment is usually a higher dosage of anti depressants. If I am really bipolar it has the danger of making me manic. Sure I can have both at the same time. I need to figure out how to treat them if this is the case.

#Bipolar2 #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Depression

6 reactions 2 comments
Post
See full photo

Question for my fellow bipolar friends and medical experts…should my Mom talk to my therapist?

Question for my friends and medical experts….. so I had severe bipolar episode, and my family thinks that I am not getting the help that I need, because I am not telling my therapist and Psychiatrist the whole truth so my mom called the office of my therapist and psychiatrist and requested to speak to them and asking her more about this she mentioned that she was not expecting them to discuss my care however, she wanted the opportunity to share her opinion on where I was in my mental health journey and did not understand why they would not call her back to simply listen. This is very much a trigger for me and I became very upset with her her and set very firm boundaries. I have bipolar, one disorder with psychosis and paranoia all of my hospital stays have resulted after an intervention by my family, so I associate that with another admission to the hospital, I truly believed at one point that my family was working together to intervene and forced me into a hospital while I know now that that was irrational thinking and my family only loves me and wants to support me. My mom truly does not trust me when I say yes I share everything with my therapist and Psychiatrist, no one believes me because I have a history of lying about my bipolar episodes, particularly in mania the way that I feel about my medical care and therapy is that it takes me a long time to break down walls and be brutally honest without feeling like I will be judged or punished in someway by being forced into a hospital so I am very hesitant if not completely resistant to anyone being involved in my therapy sessions because I look at that as a safe space for me and anyone in my family I feel most comfortable with my husband being involved because I do not have the same paranoia about being involuntarily checked into a hospital my Family does not understand why I am setting this firm boundary and while my therapist agrees that that boundary is appropriate, my family thinks that I’m hiding something that I have not shared all of the brutal details of things that I have done said or decisions that I’ve made, when having a bipolar manic episode and most recently a horrible psychosis episode that has resolved and resulted in increased medication. I shared with my mom today that my psychiatrist has made adjustments to my antipsychotic and added a new antidepressant and why would he do that if I had not been brutally honest to share with him my psychosis and unhealthy state of bipolar that still failed on deaf years and I learned today that beyond my mother extended family members like sister-in-law are upset with me for not involving the family in my care. How does everyone else handle this? Is your family involved in your therapy is it helpful? Do you have to set firm boundaries like I have but yet your family does not hear you, please share your experiences and I would love to hear from the doctors and psychologist out there that would share their opinion about whether family should be involved in therapy when there is an instance of paranoia and psychosis that family is working against them. No I do not feel this way at all about my husband as I am Locke step with him and he has always protected me so it’s very much a safe space but even with that said, I want to keep my therapy my therapy and not let others in, but I understand that if I were not doing well, my husband would receive a call and for that I am absolutely OK with that. Please let me know your thoughts I am really struggling with this.

10 reactions 2 comments
Post

The light at the end of the turbulence

It has been about four and a half months since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the middle of a horrible manic episode. And I feel like writing today.

I was familiar with the depression that kept coming from time to time. It has been haunting me since I was 16. Months and months of dark gloom and disparaging thought spirals that I just couldn't get rid of. The most severe of them was August of 2022. I attempted suicide. I have always wanted to die - simply because there was no point to existence. Living is a pain - a pain I did not consent to endure. Even now, after all these years I can't find a single reason as to why you would ever give birth to a human and bring them into existence. At most, it has to be a purely selfish reason just to pass on your pain. Or at the very least, to relive childhood as an old adult. Childhood is very special - and very strange. Even though I believe in the nihilism - somehow as a child you don't care about it. Is childhood a free trial for life? A cruel trick to make you think that life is fun? There's novelty in life everyday when you are a child. And when I was severely depressed and existential when I was 16, I felt novelty is the one thing that would make life worth it. Perhaps all this suffering and pain would make sense if you advanced civilization into the unknown. Go to Mars? Yeah. I chose to study science because I felt it was novel. Cool. Fascinating. Things that would give a pointless existence some meaning.

High school is one of my most traumatic memories. And even though afterwards I have had more clinically intense bouts of depression - I still believe the loneliness, alienation and simple existential dread I felt when I was 17 is definitely the worst period of my life. Never again. But college came with its own shit. For the first two years I was genuinely happy - I had found friends who thought like me. A free and liberal atmosphere after growing up in an extremely strict, conservative and simply terrifying school. I found a boyfriend - someone who truly understood. We were a great pair - and we worked on the same frequecy. It was a good resonance. Until 2022.

I recall now that those two years weren't as happy as I think they were. I had periods of a month or two that I could now surely classify as depressive episodes - but they never lasted. At this point I had been on a high dose of Sertraline for 3.0.0.5 years. Third year of college is when my mental health started dipping.Was it because I chose an extremely challenging major and was again a part of a toxic environment? Yes. It was. That one year I went on and off of a couple of meds. I stuck with Bupropion and Clonazepam.

After a couple of horrible accidents and life events that followed, I started drowning in more and more anxiety - all the while slipping deeper and deeper into depression. It all came to a rock bottom when in August of 2022 I tried to kill myself. More accurately - tried to convince my boyfriend for months to kill me. It took me months to recover - all the while studying and working to maintain a decent GPA in an extremely challenging major of Astrophysics. I was burnt out. I was drained. I wanted it to end.

I can think of three major crisis that I have had in life. All three of them slightly changed my outlook and philosophy of life (not to mention actually got me deep into philosophy - I plan to do a bachelors in philosophy if ever possible). The first was when I was 17. My philosphy was naive. There is no point to life. Except if I did something great. Novel. Achieved extraordinary things. This thinking is probably why I pushed myself and set impossible standards, that I broke down when trying to achieve in the future. The second major crisis was my depressive and suicidal episode in 2022.

In the back of my mind, I felt like I had already died. I spent so much time and effort into planning my suicide, preparing and learning the best way to do it, and stand over balconies and roofs for hours just trying to take the plunge - I would say I killed myself. Not physically ofcourse, but mentally I was dead. The mind has a lot of power - and for me my mind is more real than my body. In my mind - this was the end.

What followed were several antidepressant changes until I stuck with a very high dose of Fluvoxin and Escitalopram. My depression started clearing away. And while it did - I felt like I was living in a dream. The next year when I started my upward journey again I felt lost. Empty. Most of all, I felt free. If I was already dead, then this is free time. I can do whatever I want. It doesn't matter. I am already dead.

Slowly, this turned into my next philosophy in life - do whatever the fuck you want because you can ALWAYS kill yourself at any time. It's like adventure mode in Minecraft - any time you fuck up too bad or it gets too hard you can just restart. Or quit. I wanted to quit. If it's a restart I'd rather just live this one life until I complete the game, until it ends and then float away into the abyss. I don't want to play this game.

Throughout the months of 2023 I kept feeling better. Free. It is a very liberating feeling - coming out of the most painful depressive period in your life. There is so much you can suddenly do - showering doesn't tire you down and bring you to tears. Now you can shower, eat, walk, talk and still have time to do other things! I got into reading. I got into art - but not what you might think. I got into art that pushes the boundaries. Of life, of society, of nature and of humans themselves. I would realise that pushing boundaries was a common thing that I ended up doing all of last year - and nothing good came out of it.

(Part 1)

2 reactions