Postsurgerydepression

I had my first back surgery Aug. 30, 2019. It was a lumbar laminectomy. Fast forward 4 months into post surgery and I ask my surgeon to get me some imaging cause 2 1/2 months into recovery and I feel a sharp muscle tear or pull in my back. I finished 99% of my physical therapy but I couldn't go on with the very last session due to the increasing pain in my back. I get the imaging done on 12-24 and got my results today. It seems the laminectomy did what it could but I have a bigger underlying problem involving degenerative discs, herniated discs, bulging discs, arthritis and wear and tear. I was told that I need a lumbar fusion of my L5-S1. I am scared beyond belief cause I do not want another surgery. Although I am in pain and I'm running out of resources. I don't know if I should try and get more ESI's in my back or just get the fusion so I can be on the road to recovery. I'd really rather be dead at this point cause either way I go my life is over. #Lumbarfusion #chronicbackpain #Postsurgerydepression #secondbacksurgery #laminectomy #suicidal #I'mtired #aretheranymoreoptions

It's true that you never stop learning or growing. It hit me hard today that I've grown so much from what I have learned this year. It's ok to cry or vent to someone as long as they have your best interests in mind. When I'm happy I light up the room. I can smile and it becomes contagious. Even through the chronic pain, I still become a beacon of hope for someone. I learned that my actions hurt others, cause there are people who really care for me. They hurt cause I'm in pain and my being sad hurts them too. I learned that despite how I think, I am somebody who is loved. I have folks who admire me just because I didn't give up when I've struggled. I'm stronger than I look and feel. I'm blessed to be here. My faith is my guidance. And lastly I've learned to let people go. To let those go of this who I love but they don't love me. The people who I love but they can't stand me. You can't force someone to love you or want to be around you. I learned that the hard way cause I'm wearing myself down trying to be someone that I'm not. I'm worthy to be loved and when the time comes it will happen. If it doesn't I'll be ok. In the end I will be alright. #Suicide #Depression #ChronicPain #Heartache #wanttobeloved #lonely #betteroff #DegenerativeDiscDisease #herniateddiscs #Postsurgerydepression

I'm tires of being in pain. I'm behind on bills, only working part time and debtors are everywhere. I will never catch up. Besides that I'd be fine if I knew that I could work to pay my debts. I'm literally living on a daily basis. The more I catch up, the further I'm behind. I have no social life. All of my friends have disappeared cause they can't enjoy life when I'm around. I'm always the hurt and depressed friend. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION ANYMORE. I'M SCARED. I'M WORRIED. I WANT TO DO THINGS. I'M LONELY. NO ONE HEARS ME!!!!! #SuicidalIdeation #imtired #ChronicPain #BackPain #herniateddiscs #DegenerativeDiscDisease #Postsurgerydepression

What stresses me the most is that I personally deal with chronic depression and anxiety. I find myself falling into the pit not being able to help the person I love. #Postsurgerydepression #Depression #Anxiety