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Exhaustive and Exhausting Resources

Everyone wants to give me resources, not knowing how exhausting it is to sort through them all and reach out to them all, only to be refused or told to call or contact somewhere else. I feel burned out on even trying to help myself.

I know that I have to "do the work," I just wish I had someone helping me more than giving me endless resources to research and navigate.

#imtired #burnedout #Tiredofbeingtired #Health #MentalHealth #exhaustion #FeelingAlone

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rough day. hitting a lot of dead ends. #Anxiety #Recovery

I’m in the process of trying to find a seasonal camping spot for my camper trailer. This will be a refuge, my home, and where I can continue the next chapters of my healing. I live in an area that has very few winter camping options, and have just secured a job with one of the best employers in the region. I’m usually pretty good about encouraging others, but today I just need a little of that boost in return.

I just want to settle into my home. #imtired #housinginsecurity #realworldproblems #houselessnothomeless

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Encouragement Rocks

I keep rocks with me places I go, and leave them for whomever may need them.

This one though, I keep for myself in my car. ..

Right now I am posting because I cannot sleep . Again. .. :( #imtired
#Insomniac #anxeity #Borderline Bipolar depression


Long week

It's been a long week. I'm struggling. I need some time to myself. Still. My wife's mental illness is not under control. We thought she was getting there but it just seems like we keep going back to square one. I'm tired of being yelled at by my ADHD, ODD, ASD stepdaughter about literally everything. I got my second COVID vaccine Tuesday and was under the weather Wednesday. I've not slept well in weeks and not feeling well didn't help. I was supposed to be off work last week, but had to cancel my time off cuz a coworker also had asked for that week off and she had seniority. Which is fine. But I really need a vacation. I've not had any time off other than regular days off since I went back to work last June after we shut down for a couple months, in the midst of the pandemic. I feel distant and disconnected from everyone, including myself.
#ADHD #OppositionalDefiantDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #imtired #CheckInWithMe


Dreams, Unspoken Feelings, and Feeling Nothing At All

The the last couple of months, most of my dreams have portrayed my innermost thoughts and fears. Everything from being abandoned by others, being unable to speak up when in trouble, even shouting terrible things just before waking up. I’ve spoken to my therapist about all of these things, and yesterday I cried during the whole session. I finally opened up about how felt small when it came to my mom and that in my last dream the last thing that she said to me was that I was a disappointment. The thing about this is that she never said this outside. I remember having a dream years ago and the last thing that I said to her before waking up was that I hated her. I think the worst thing is that I never felt that I was enough. I never felt that I did enough even if I did get praise. I feel like I have a gaping hole that just can’t be filled no matter what I do. Love can’t even fill this space. At the moment I feel empty inside... I honestly don’t feel a thing. Maybe I cried everything out, but this kind of emptiness is different from the past times I’ve felt this way. I brought up to my therapist that with all of my experiences has caused me to feel that I am a waste of space and that I don’t deserve to be here. I’ve just about given up at this point, I’m very tired. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #imtired #givingup #EmptyInside


My head

I get into this mode a lot. I've come to realize that I need mental health help just as much as I do pain relief. I'm sure the two bounce off one another but I need help. I have issues from childhood that were never resolved. There is nobody adequate enough to speak to in this town. I don't like it here and my condition makes it worse. I depend on others for help and I know I can't survive on my own. Where do I go from here? I have to work cause I can't get approved for disability but I'm tired. I don't have much longer to go and nobody seems to understand cause they aren't in pain. #BackPain #laminectomy #imtired #imscared


Heat pads

Can anyone give me good suggestions for heating pads? I'm looking into the larger pads. My facet joints are killing me. I couldn't get my meds changed or refilled cause my insurance is gone. I need help sitting during my shift. It hurts to lay on my back. Any tips would help me. #BackPain #laminectomy #imscared #imtired


My world

I don't know where to start. I'm caught up between my mental world crashing, chronic pain and the reality of life. How do you deal with a world in which some days you wished you were dreaming and that you'd wake up. My whole life has been hurt, me causing hurt, pain and me being hurt again and having regrets. I've asked for mental health several times this year. I'm dealing with so much that at times I get dizzy and I feel like I'm about to pass out. I'm back to my cry spells. I don't know who to turn to for help without being made to feel stupid. I just need a break from my brain, everything and everybody. I just need help. I'm stressed to the limit. I want to feel like I'm somebody without it causing a reaction. I want to be me. #BackPain #laminectomy #imtired #imscared


My pain

I'm not sure what to do with my back at this point. Does anyone have a spinal cord stimulator? Has anyone used a TENS machine? Which works best? Does anyone have a herniated disc at their L2 L3? Has anyone had their discs collapse cause there was nothing left but bone? I'm just tired of being in pain. I can't go through another surgery. I have failed surgery syndrome. I just need the time to make an informed decision without being rushed. The injections don't seem to work anymore. I'm running out of options and there are many treatments left for me. #laminectomy #spinalcordstimulator #HerniatedDisc #ChronicPain #imtired #imscared


My voice

I've come to learn a lot about my back and how it feels to have flareups in certain areas. I recently decided to get a procedure done in which the staff made decisions the dr. should have made or at least it seems. I now have to go back again for what I originally asked for. I have to miss work and my employer isn't too happy about this. I don't know what to do cause I really would rather not be dealing with any of this but if they had listened from the start I wouldn't be stressing over having to miss work for something I already missed for. I don't want to be the odd ball out. #BackPain #laminectomy #imtired #imscared