About a week and a half ago I changed psychiatrists. On the day I had my first telehealth appointment with her I had run out of my Pristiq and I asked her if she could put in a new script for me which she did. However, for some reason my insurance has decided that it needs a prior authorization even though I have been on the med for months if not a year or slightly longer. That's the fun thing about the trial and error of meds, you go on and off so many you lose track of what you've tried and how long you've been on one particular med at least thats the case for me.
I did get a call the middle of last week from the psych office in response to a call I put in at the end of the week before about the meds issue. I explained what was going on and that I wasn't able to get the prescription. I stopped by my pharmacy last Friday as a follow-up and the script was still waiting for the pre authorization.
This was a script that I was hoping to wean off of as part of the process to determine what meds were actually doing something for me and which were not. I don't want to be taking a handful of meds if there is no reason too.
On Saturday I had someone over that I care a great deal for that spent most of the day and evening with me cuddling and talking. At one point I was talking about the sudden loss of my mother in 2010, that I was the one to find her and the process of cleaning out the house.
My mother passed exactly a month to the day after my step-father passed from advanced prostate cancer. While it was very difficult to discuss for months after her passing I began to accept it and move on with my life.
However, Saturday night while I was preparing dinner for the two of us is when the discussion came up and while talking about it I just broke down and cried a bit. The only thing I can attribute the breakdown to is having to go cold turkey from the med due to both my insurance and psychiatrist failing me.
At this point I feel as though I need to find a new psych which is extremely difficult due to the insurance I have and I really don't want to have to go through the "meet and greet" once again, it gets very tiring having to tell your whole life story over and over again. This is why I have avoided the mental health institutions for most of my life but since my attempt in 2017 I haven't had much of a choice. However, I am considering going back to the way I was before my attempt which means closing myself off to people, relationships and meds.
I grew up dealing with this bullshit on my own so I might as well go back to what I know best.
What was innocent to you is surreal to me.
I just come here to say things I can’t say anywhere else. On New Years Eve, my wife says “thank you for being here, can I get another year?” Beats the shit out of me. Stage IV brain met…I just live in the moment. Had radiation to my brain in November. I now feel different in a way I can’t describe. Friend sends an invite on FB to a men’s retreat titled “One Year to Live”. It’s for middle age guys with a future. If he only knew. I have dreams foreshadowing my death. No time line. Oncologist won’t say “stage IV” even though the brain met is prostate cancer. Psychiatrist suggesting increase in med she previously wanted to get me off of because of “long term side effects”. Not a concern anymore? Radiation oncologist gave me a packet about living wills and medical power of attorney (that’s a first) But “everything is going well”. The only certainty I’ve been provided with by multiple oncologists is that the cancer is incurable. So I am left to my imagination. I could live another six months or five years. Or Omicron could get me in a few weeks. Not looking for helpful input, this is just a little vignette about how surreal the cancer journey can be. I’ll shake this all off (or maybe just carry it) and try to stay in the moment. Statistically, I’ve made it pretty far to the right of the bell curve, so there’s that. I’m rambling. It happens when it happens. Peace to all of you.
Anyone ever had an “inappropriate” emotional response to cancer progression.
I was recently diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer when a tumor was found on the base of my skull. Now the weird part. When I was initially told this, I felt an intense sense of relief. After six years of treatment, surgery, radiation, ADT, I went into an unexpectedly long 18 month remission, but was still told by multiple oncologists the cancer was incurable. So I’ve just been waiting for the other shoe to drop while struggling with permanent and dibilitating side effects of prior treatment. So when this tumor was found I thought” finally, I can get on with this and get this over with”. After the tumor was found, I had immediate Stereotactic Body Radiation Therapy, which only takes three blasts over a weeks time. Three weeks later, my PSA had dropped significantly, a sign the radiation was working. When I first heard that, I was profoundly disappointed. Again the thought was, I don’t want to keep prolonging this, I want it to be over. I have no thoughts of suicide…I’m just so weary after eight years. This is my confessional space. Who else can I tell and not sound absolutely crazy? The good news is I’ve been working really hard on an attitude adjustment. Remembering and re-examining things to be grateful for, for people and things that make my life meaningful and want to keep going. So I’m mostly over the emotional responses I had that were shocking to me when I experienced them. Maybe others have been in the same emotional spaces. If you have been, you are not alone, just know it’s possible to climb out.
Another TV show that I love that I want to shine the light on the illnesses they took their lives #bewitched