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It’s been 2 years #ADHD #SuicidalThoughts
It’s been approximately 2 years since I’ve last posted, and I will admit a lot has changed.
Two years ago I was in a dark place. I felt hopeless, and I saw myself as a failure. When I was younger, I never really understood what was wrong with me, and as a result, I chose to not seek professional help because I felt nobody would understand me especially since I didn’t know what I was going through myself.
Thinking back now, I now understand that my ADHD + my medication for ADHD (I no longer take this medication) is the reason why my mental health went downhill. ADHD affects my ability to do certain important tasks, and it also affects my ability to take care of my hygiene and physical health.
At the same time, I also lacked social skills because I spent most of my life inside the house doing nothing but playing games and watch YouTube. Because of my inability to get myself to do anything combined with my lack of friends, I felt lonely and like a failure. I saw myself as a failure because I couldn’t get myself motivated enough to do simple things such as getting myself a job or basically anything.
That’s why, I decided to plan my suicide after graduating high school, but at the last minute I hesitated so instead, I waited for my mom to kick me out of the house so that I won’t have any reason to live anymore. But later on, I attempted to get a job which wasn’t easy because I tried to resist my feelings.
Now two years later, I have a job, and I’ve been in college for about two years. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts since the day I got accepted into the job. I can say my mental health has gotten a little better, but I’m not completely healed.
I still do feel lonely sometimes because I still lack social skills, and I still spend a lot of my time in the house (and yes, I’m aware that it’s unhealthy to be inside the house all the time) . Sometimes I have small depression episodes. I’m assuming the reason why I get small depressive episodes is because of the lack of dopamine in my brain. I usually get these episodes after eating a large unhealthy meal or just random. Usually, when I feel this way, I tend to feel drowsy and sad. Listening to music is kind of like a dopamine booster to me because sometimes I’ll suddenly feel, happy, energetic, and motivated to do anything which is why I tend to listen to music when I feel sad sometimes.
To this day, I try to avoid thinking about negativity by distracting myself in playing games and watching YouTube, because my symptoms from two years ago would likely return. My symptoms would also likely return when my physical health starts going downhill because of my obesity or when I start living in a house of my own due to loneliness.
Overall, my mental health is a little better than it was before from 2 years ago, but I know I’m not fully healed as I’m still at risk of old symptoms returning.
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