ptds

Hi I have not celebrated in a few decades, not that I don’t eat something or know it’s a holiday, although I have forgotten a few times that it’s a holiday. But I don’t decorate, I have not put a Christmas tree up in many years . No presents 🎁 nothing I can blame my issues and my lack of currency 💴 and now I can say it’s that I’m alone and think why if there’s no one to chat with and I can go to restaurant to eat an go home . I’d like to get back into the love of holidays but don’t . I’m curious if others are like this ? An how do you feel about it ? I feel dumb not being apart of the life I saw growing up .

I was called and told my brother in law died.A curtisy call,literally.
We loved him.My husband and I were voted off the island,out of the family,for having boundaries.We were never called when he became sick,a year ago.My husband thought of my brother in laws as friends at a point.The three men stuck with the three women,who came from a narcissist parent.Three strong men who protect.But between the men,someone should have called him.How do you show support for people who are not there for your own?We did nothing wrong.We are shocked hurt and are already dealing with too much ourselves.I know the stages of grief, anger is one,, that is easy,too easy. I feel empathy and compassion for them,but they deliberately hurt my family,for nothing other than them teaching me a lesson.it is sad.They truly do not have any self awareness,accountability or excuse now.Patterns of behavior,true ones shine under stress and death.They came out for all to see here.I am not the same person they thought they could manipulate again.im very angry,someone should have told us.And I will no longer hold or hide their shame or baggage.I am my own,they are not me,I will never understand them,but Im learning that is not mine,to understand anyway.They are not in my life,they never were,they never wanted to be and this idea,or dream,that one day, I truly believed it,the fantasy of having a true genuine relationship with these people,only to be more disappointed,pushed aside,lied to and well forgotten and dismissed.It has been my whole life, I'd keep going back, thinking it would be different, never has been.id show up,extend the olive branch,never mattered.I wish I could be the one they call, theyve never tried.I have zero core memories that bring joy when reflecting on my past relationships with my family.They had no interest in being a part of our lives.To call me when one dies, knowing they had been sick,to not give us opportunity to say goodbye.Its wrong, selfish and typical of all of them.Takes away all the good memories of him.

Help! Long post.... rant. In need of support.

I’ve been no contact with my emotional and mental abusive ex since March 2020. Yay me right. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So I was just at the local grocery store. And he was there. No altercation. No contact. I scanned for a alternate exit. But due to covid, only one way in and one way out. He was at the check out and so I zoomed by as fast as I could.

By the time I got to my truck I was shaking, could hardly hold my groceries. I threw them in the truck and jumped in. Hoping to zoom out, however pedestrians prevented that. So I see him walk out of the store staring my way walking the opposite way to his vehicle. I leave the parking lot and pull over a shot way away. Hands shaking, legs shaking so bad pressing the brake pedal was a mental challenge. My heart racing, face flush, I feel like I can’t breath. I take a couple minutes and decide being home is better than out in the open. So I drive home in the same condition. Thinking to myself. God I just wish I had someone to call and blurt out all the stupidness I’m feeling over something so normal as seeing a ex.
However I have nobody. So I’m home now. Still shaky and flushed and heart racing. Now my mind is my largest enemy. I feel small and broken and out of control. I want to cry for allowing him to make me feel like this. But I’m too angry.

So clarification... is this my cptsd response? Or co-dependency response? Or what?
How do I fix this. How do I work on this to make it better, easier. Without having to see him.
#c -ptds #ptds #Codependency

I have been researching for a couple of years now and I think having a service dog may help me to manage my conditions and help me gain more independence as I currently can't leave the house without someone in case I have an episode or a meltdown, in which I can become unconscious and unaware of what's happening. But the only places which I'm aware of which help training for a service animals don't train for mental health disabilities. I wouldn't need mobility aid but other tasks such as getting help or guiding me put of crowds when I have a meltdown. If anybody has any experience or advice which could possibly help It would be appreciated ❤️
#POTS #ptds #Autism #Anxiety #ChronicPain #ServiceDogs

I have stopped being so hard on my myself about #newyearresolutions , I've learned throughout the years of struggles with #ptds #Depression , #panic and #Anxiety attacks.
Still pushing myself to do better than last year.
My greatest challenge is isolation, I don't have any friends so it's hard for me to motivate myself to even go out.

I am glad I found you. I have a page on Instagram I would love to start posting my story.
Unpolished _diamond @Instagram