Relationships

I’m the one with EUPD amongst other mental and physical heath conditions and I can’t seem to stop self sabotaging my relationship with my wife. I love her unconditionally but she is pre menopausal and I think that how she is feeling after nearly 2 decades of looking after me is catching up with us and I’m worried she’s going to leave me. I have suicidal thoughts and self harm, but I cannot get past these thoughts and I’m feeling so lost.

Everyday feels like a struggle. I woke up late for work today and since my day has felt like shit. I painted my nails this lilac color with this glitter on top and I hate it, I thought I’d love it but I can’t change it now nor do I know if I even want to change it.
I know this is all little things that don’t really matter but it’s not really the little things. Idk what my problem is. Idk why living is so hard and the thought of what my future holds is terrifying.
What if I’m not what I want to be? What if I’m stuck at the dead end job and I repeat history like what my mom did to me?

Can I bring up something a little off topic?
I’ve been through a lot of shit and I know everyone probably says that. But god damn I feel so abnormal. My mom and dad were on drugs growing up. My dad passed away when I was 2 from a drug induced seizure on his bike. When my mom remarried it was awful my stepdad was horribly abusive not to mention our living conditons were DISGUSTING. We didn’t have access to food like my friends did, we couldn’t even do our laundry the pile was so high it touched the ceiling and I thought that was normal. My mother was for the most part absent, on drugs, locked in her bedroom everyday. She decided to lock her door after I walked in on her and my stepdad one day 👀. The reason I emphasize her absence is because my stepdad would beat my brother and she wouldn’t come out. 7 year old me would be stepping in to try and protect my 10 year old brother (ill call C) from a hulking man. So absent she didn’t realize when the neighbor boy took me into his closet. She didn’t realize my 12 year old brother (b) started molesting me, threatening to kill me if I said anything. I guess it was better that dcf stepped in. Foster care still wasn’t much better and every place I ever felt safe at in between ended up falling apart.
Guardians who stepped in when b did what he did. Guardians who’s adult son would actually harm me in the same way and get different punishment, no punishment. A family I called family who dcf thought was doing stuff to me. Though I fought to not be taken. Eventually the mother was shot and killed in a police raid. Due to c’s drug abuse and their kindness to take in young teens from broken families.
Them for me to find more family in a state away. Get adopted by my older sister (j) her husband and her daughter. It was great for a year until she got on drugs. Stopped coming home. And I moved in with my oldest sibling (k) he would later become abusive to me, physically, mentally, and sexually. He wanted to be in a relationship with me. He was 32. I was 15. Then for me to move in with my sisters (j) father. Who got me drunk one night and kissed me. Read my diary where I wrote about it and I knew he would so I wrote over what I wrote so he couldn’t read it. He still pointed it out though. He also knew what k did to me so did j. J called me a liar and said and I quote “her brother, her brother would never do anything like that”.
Backstory j and k are half siblings to each other and me b and c. But k and j grew up together. Not with me b and c. Me b and c are whole siblings same parents all round. It was like she was saying k wouldn’t do anything because he’s her brother but b would. Even though they’re both my brothers.
Idek why I’m talking about all of this. Idk what I’m trying to say or if I’ll even get a response. Idk if I’m looking for one or just to be understood and heard, nobody ever did before.
I question everyday was it me? What did I do to attract all this weirdness and craziness and that’s just a top layer of things. There’s so much more I don’t even have the time or energy to explain. Not like anybody would care though it’s just some random persons trauma dump. Idk. The world is fucked up. And I don’t know what my place is or why I’m here or if I’ll even be anything worth a life. I want to be. I desperately want to be the opposite of everything I was shown. But can I? I don’t know. The thought is the scariest part not even what I went through. The questions the never ending wait for the other shoe to drop.

You say I have a distorted reality from my childhood? No sweety,you have it mistaken with your perception of https://me.Your projected baggage that you cannot analyze without https://me.Go take your business and put it on your own sons and https://husband.Go take care of your mother and https://sister.I did not ask for your https://help.I wanted to be away from you for this exact reason.You, have seriously over stepped and have control https://issues.Go put that in your https://notes.We are no https://longer.I would rather be homeless than have you be my caretaker, you have showed me who you are, all of https://you.This has nothing to do with my https://childhood.This has, to do with You, As https://adults.I chose to not have a relationship with you.my choice.so go back to where you are wanted, it is not https://here.I was nice, now I will not be as nice and I will keep telling the https://truth.That you have no control https://over.You can keep me offline, lie about me all you want.it won't change the truth or who you are.You, need help and it is quite an Endeavor you put us in.

I went through a breakup 2 days ago.. it was an LDR..

I haven't seen my QPP for about 7 months. He messaged me today and said he missed me. I honestly thought I was out of sight out of mind.
I invited him to the pickle festival. He said he'd try.
I don't know any of his friends. He never includes me when he gets together in groups for leather bars. I feel like I'm his dirty little secret.
Before I became Ace he and I had a sexual relationship. I saw him weekly. Then it happened and I told him I can't handle it. He apologized and said he'd be more mindful. An that's when things shifted to I see him once every few months. I feel worthless.