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Wrote This In March Earlier This Year. Thoughts?
Growing up, I was academically gifted and graduated high school at the top of my class. My dad always pushed me to go to school and even offered to pay for it, so naturally I went to college. At age 18, before I could attend University, I had my first psychotic break that lasted nearly 6 months and took a year to fully recover from. It was frightening to say the least and easily one of the worst experiences I had thus far in life.
Still, I got back on my feet and enrolled at a local community college. I excelled there. I joined a sports team and worked two jobs while studying nursing. All was well for two years until I had another major psychotic break at age 22 which lasted 5 months and took another year to recover from. Still, I never gave up. I re-enrolled in school again once I was healthy and able to, and graduated with honors. I had been diagnosed by several different psychiatrists, with diagnoses ranging from Bipolar 1 with Psychotic Features to Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features and even Schizoaffective Disorder. I was put on a strict medication regimen.
For the next two years I worked, and stayed on medication, until I unfortunately had another psychotic break due to stress and trauma. 2023 was one of the hardest years of my life as I spent most of the year in and out of mental hospitals and in active psychosis for months. For whatever reason, I firmly believed that the Mexican Cartel was out to murder me (I live in a safe white suburb and have no connection to the Cartel whatsoever) by burning me alive so I was desperately trying to find various ways to kill myself before they could get to me and take my life in such a horrifying and painful manner. This led to me overdosing on Fentanyl which I nearly did die from on January 7th, 2024. Luckily my friend found me and called an ambulance and I was resuscitated.
After I was administered a life-saving dose of Naloxone, I was rushed to yet another psych ward and I had so many false beliefs and delusions that the nurses and doctors there were gang / cartel affiliated and wanted to torture me. I had paranoid thoughts that cameras were following me everywhere, capturing my every movement and displaying my life to an invisible audience for their sick entertainment. I was so scared, alone, and confused.
Thankfully, as months went by, I healed again and came out of psychosis gradually. Despite everything, I kept moving forward. I began working again and currently am also in school again furthering my degree.
I guess I just feel behind in life, but I also can’t help but feel like I wouldn’t be in this position if it weren’t for those god damn psychotic breaks I am prone to. I pray to any God who is out there, please never let me experience another one. They’re genuinely terrifying. I didn’t ask for this illness. I don’t even know how it developed. #Bipolar1 #Trauma #Psychosis
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