Schizoaffective Disorder

I truly didn’t believe that being diagnosed with schizoaffective at 17 years of age and then paranoid schizophrenia at 21 was going to have me anywhere but the state hospital for the rest of my life. That’s what I was told anyway, by county clinics who seemingly didn’t try to put their all into helping me get on my feet in any way. I was definitely put through the wringer of medications, therapy, and groups to a large extent with no real improvement in sight. I was told I would never be able to work, have a family, or do anything for myself. I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals about 20 times before I was able to get ahold of situations on my own feet. I was subsequently taken to a state hospital, and before that an all-girls boarding facility, until I fought and kicked my way out of there, in one instance literally. I told them I didn’t need to be there, that it wasn’t for me. They countered with, “You’re sick. You will always need help.” Thinking to myself that I had too many suicide attempts under my belt in the most grandiose of ways. Buying into what these county clinic workers had told me, that “yea, I’ll never be able to make it anywhere or live a typical life.” I had renounced myself just as much as they had quit on me themselves. They would’ve wiped their hands free of me and chalked me up to another statistic, and then what? In 2018 I met a wonderful man who saw so much in me. I had confided in him about my past. We took a whole day of one of our date days to just talk and explain who we were as people to each other. It was nice to have someone who saw potential in me and had faith that I didn’t have to be a statistic. On the other hand, the medication was working, but it still wasn’t getting me to where I needed or wanted to be in life. The illness itself of schizophrenia wasn’t one to be able to just hope and pray away either. It’s not one to just will or wish away. The medicine was a huge foundational thing for me, but I had to claw my way out of the anxiety and depression that were brought on by secondary and also as side effects of the medicine. The clawing out was some of the hardest I’ve ever spent doing in my entire life. I needed loads of support that was not going to be typical in other kinds of situations. I also couldn’t speak about any of this help without mentioning my father, who was the foundational basis for getting me help in the first place. He was that life-changer of a person that was able to help even get me started. That’s something I will never, ever forget. It was 2021, and I had been with this man I met previously above for four years by then. We had moved in together and settled down. I had no idea, still, what I wanted from my own life. I then did something that many, many people criticized me for doing and talked a lot of crap to me about, even behind my back even more: I became pregnant. I was scared, no doubt, but I surely needed support and not mean comments. Some mean comments became too much and I did have to cut people out of my life, unfortunately. This wasn’t in vain or “willy nilly” as they say. I had talked to my then fiancé about it for up to a year before. We planned this and this is something I truly wanted. I wanted a family. Going through pregnancy with schizophrenia was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life up to now. I worked with a team of an OB/GYN, a psychiatrist, a therapist, and multiple family members spanning not just my own family, but my fiancé’s family, and a few friends. All who knew exactly what my diagnosis was. I couldn’t lie or hide it. This family thing being something that I truly wanted, meant I had to be open and forthcoming with my struggles. Something that I initially was good at, but then for many years had dropped off from and was very introverted with my struggles due to extended family who had mocked me for my diagnoses and called me “crazy” and “psycho.” Everything about who I am and what I go through was being tested with this pregnancy. All in all, I had an eventful birth which was very scary actually in my personal situation. I am also overweight, so the toll on my physical body was not good for me on that note. I had always been a very tiny person until I started on psychotropics at 17 when I became ill with schizoaffective disorder, amongst other diagnoses. I personally ended up staying on antipsychotics with the aid of my psychiatrist and OB/GYN, but my regimen was not typical and I was monitored constantly and always had my doctors on call, just in case, as well as my therapist. My little boy came out very healthy, very alert, crying to the world and telling everyone how he was here. I couldn’t have been happier and like many moms say, yes, this was the happiest and most life-changing moment I’ve ever experienced in my life. I am here to tell you, that after 15 years of being talked down to, being treated unequally due to mental health issues, being verbally manhandled at times by people both professionally and personally who saw nothing in me in their own eyes, amongst many other travesties, that it so beyond possible to be able to live the life you want to live with a diagnosis such as schizophrenia. Do not let people tell you otherwise if you feel truly in your heart that that is something you want to accomplish. Though I can say the toll it took on me to get here is one that is not for the faint of heart. Although, having been through everything we’ve been through, what is anymore?

In 2015, I received a scholarship to play football in college. I was majoring in kinesiology with a dream of becoming an exercise physiologist. For my first few weeks, I was doing really well in my classes — and even better on the football field. Things were going great! Until they weren’t. I remember sitting at the table during lunch break, when I heard a group of students joking and laughing. No biggie, right? Well, to me, it was. I was sure they were laughing at me. I had no reason to believe this, but I was sure of it regardless. I returned my tray to the cafeteria bar and left to head to my dorm. I had some more classes that day and then football practice. Everywhere I went, I had this unshakable feeling of being watched. By the end of the day, it was unbearable. I was laying in my bed, feeling exhausted, and trying to sleep when I heard a deep, booming laugh. I sat up in bed and looked around. No one was there. This happened a few times before I called my mom in distress. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but apparently it was “delusional” and made no sense. She came and picked me up the next day. I dropped my classes and withdrew from the school. Shortly after, I got a job — which I was only able to hold for a short time. Things quickly began to spiral out of control. I turned to drugs and alcohol in the hope that it would make me feel better. This only compounded the problem — to the point that I was ready to die. I knew I had to do something. I called my psychiatrist — who decided to put me in an intensive outpatient program. It was during this time that I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Over the next few years, I tried to work several jobs — none of which worked out. I began to lose my sense of self-worth. I again turned to alcohol, and I drank heavily every day for a year. On May 13, 2020, though, I took my last drink. I began taking all of my medications as directed and going to therapy too. It was during this time that I became acquainted with the study of philosophy. I began to immerse myself in the philosophies of Siddhartha Gautama, Aristotle, Epicurus, and even Albert Camus. It became quickly apparent to me that I had been measuring my self-worth all wrong. My value is not in my ability to work but is instead intrinsic — at least according to some. I began to ask questions. “What is a good life?” “What makes life worth living?” “What creates and sustains true happiness?” While there are no cut-and-dry answers to these questions, I believe the search for those answers is inherently valuable. For instance, for me, a “good life” involves having money, a nice house, and a good job. Enter the philosophies of Siddhartha Gautama and Epicurus. They both assert that the separation from unnecessary desires is paramount in living a good life and that contentment is the key to attaining and maintaining true happiness. Wise words indeed — but much easier said than done. However, if we can work towards contentment with our situation, rather than struggling incessantly to obtain things that frankly don’t matter, we just may find ourselves in a lighter state of mind. That isn’t to say that we will no longer find ourselves in the vice grips of depression from time to time. If it were that simple, some of us may not need therapy or antidepressants. All I’m saying is that working towards contentment can be a worthwhile endeavor. For some people, this might be keeping a gratitude journal because it can help you appreciate the small things even on bad days. Let me ask another question — what really matters? This is a general question, I know, but bear with me. Let’s say, hypothetically, that nothing matters and that searching for meaning in a meaningless universe is futile. You might find this situation depressing, but if you dig deeper, you might find it liberating in a sense. If everything society deems important, like money, status, and popularity is in fact meaningless, then we may have no obligation to adhere to such standards. We can create our own meaning. Now, when I ask myself what really matters, my answer is relationships, self-love, self-care, treating everyone with dignity, and helping where I can. That is why I wrote this article — to share ideas that I hope will help someone. I don’t claim to be a brilliant philosopher, and I’m sure there are some logical flaws in this writing. After all, I am still a student of philosophy — and I always will be. My hope is that if you feel like philosophy could help you, you may take the plunge yourself. When you read philosophy, it is important to keep in mind that these writers are only people, and their philosophies are not law. You may agree or disagree or even form your own opinions on their thoughts. If you find a certain area of philosophy triggering, please stop studying. After all, some concepts and topics can be pretty uncomfortable. I have benefited greatly from studying philosophy, and if you want to read philosophy, I hope it helps you too.