“...I had become a version of myself I no longer recognized.”
My story is one not uncommon or not yet told. It’s like many other relationships that came to an end. Not for the salacious details spread by those who don’t know or who only have tiny imaginary pieces of a very big picture. It’s far more simple. I had become a miserably toxic person, starved for love, desperate to be seen, longing to be heard - and, never being enough.
I write this to apologize for all the angry and jaded actions and reactions I’ve demonstrated in the past. For all the times I acted poorly and without care for another person. I was unkind, and inconsiderate. I was angry and depressed. I had become the worst version of myself and, while I’m now far removed from that miserable past, I am so very sorry to all the people who didn’t deserve my negative and hurtful behaviors. #freedom #shine #self -love #PTSD
I was angry I had feel it all again.
I was sad for all that I went through it.
I saw my path was what my path was and I couldn’t change it and to move forward just excepting that.
I see that I did everything as having a survival super power.
I survived because I trusted my instincts .
There was no luck involved.
It was me, doing what I needed to do, to survive, to persevere. It was me making decisions the whole way that lead to surviving. And thriving.
I decided to hide to keep safe from the fights in my home.
I decided to secretly call my family to drop off groceries when we were starving.
I decided to secretly call for a ride to school.
I decided to let people take advantage of my body to prevent worse happening to me or my siblings.
I decided to be a good student, to be grateful for this life without my parents.
I decided to smile and keep walking instead of freezing and breaking.
I decided to love harder even when my heart felt hard.
I decided to create a life for myself to feel a real life that I chose.
I decided to ask for help when I felt like I lost all control.
I decide to continue carrying the load up the mountain even when it breaks me because the view is all worth it.
I look back and I realized I made really good decisions, the best, the ones that kept us the safest.
The proof of my good decisions is in the present. I am here, standing, living, smiling, crying, feeling, and thriving.
I can trust that I know what to do to survive, to thrive, to heal and I can and will shine.
I can trust me. I can love me. I will trust me. I will love me.